The Boy's Easter - 2011

This Easter was such a different experience than last year! Here's Lou in 2010 - the NICU bunny. I was 5 days PP and still in the hospital with him - so we spent the day hanging out at his place in the NICU.

This year I made him blueberry pancakes for breakfast - he is just starting to play with a fork now so his hands are always a mess....

I was doing dishes and had my back turned to him while he was eating- I turned around and just started laughing - he was having a ball. Boy was that purple tint hard to wash off though!

Here he is finding his eggs

he was so engrossed in the task he wouldn't even look at me for a picture

and he squealed with joy when candy came out off the eggs (yes I let him have a few bites :p)

I though this was funny - it took a team of my family trying to appease him when he was mad I took away something he was playing with (that he got from the trash). No wonder the boy is starting to be spoiled - ugh.

He likes to run now...

Look how many toys he has over his grandparents - in their defense he does spend ~ 10 hours a day during the week there while I am at work.

He was very excited about this bunny.

He adores my dad.

What a difference a year makes. Happy Easter Little Lou!

Forgetting

Vincent. His second birthday is Friday. 2 years since that horrible day. What is worse is that I feel like I am forgetting him. Obviously I think of him a lot - but nowhere near as much as I used to. Weeks race past now without him popping in my mind. I like to blame it on being busy - I only see Lou Jr for 2 hours a day until the weekends -unless I am on-call then I don't see him at all :( - and there is always so much to do. I collapse into sleep every night exhausted - and way too stressed from everything else going on in life. But still, I am his mommy, he deserves better.

Whenever someone asks about children I always include Vincent, but when someone specifically asks about my son - Lou Jr. is the only one who comes to mind. April 29th hurts like hell whenever I see the date - but it feels like a lifetime ago I was actually in that room delivering my son. I didn't start crying hysterically until it was time to push... I can't, I'm sorry, I just want him to live, I cant handle this. But I did, it broke my heart and part of me will always be in that room - feeling that pain. You leave part of yourself at an event that traumatic.

I so clearly remember holding him...

looking at his little toes and fingers and mouth....

crying about how sorry I was I failed him....

his blanket with a much treasured ink stain from where his foot touched the blanket after they did his footprints....

mostly feeling like I would never breathe again without crushing pain.

But I do. I cherish my time with Lou Jr. and I fear I am losing my memories of Vincent.

I actually feel like I fail in being a loss mom - because sometimes I forget I suffered a loss. I guess it is not like I forgot - it just isn't at the front of my mind. Almost like it happened a life time ago.

I always hoped the pain would lessen, but now I feel as though I failed him. I failed in keeping him alive as a pregnant mommy. I am failing in keeping his memory alive. People give me strange looks when I mention him - like "really? you still think about him?" - so I stopped mentioning him as much. If Lou Jr. does something that makes me think of him and I start to cry - he is fascinated by tears and will wipe them away smiling- so I try not to cry in front of him.

Obviously I have not forgotten him, but there was an odd comfort in the hurts so much I can't even breath phase. It was proof I was suffering, it was proof I hurt because my baby was gone, it was proof he existed. Now the world keeps on turning - as it always did - but Vincent's mommy doesn't even think about him everyday anymore. I suck.

I miss you little boy, I love you and I am so sorry you are not here with us.

Happy Saturdays!

Today was such a good day - there has been so much stress lately about the whole "Condiment Clinic" offer - add in the fact today is my hubby's mom's death date anniversary - and we needed a break. Enter the aquarium. At Christmas Santa left some passes for the aquarium and we decided to make a day of it.

Here is Lou on the way to the aquarium. We were talking about all the cool fish we were going to see and somehow transitioned into telling Lou he needs to start eating fish so time to pick out something that is yummy looking!

I love how right when you get through the doors you are greeted by the penguins. Something about penguins seems so peaceful. You can stand there watching them for hours. Babes loved seeing them jump into the water and swim.

We walked around the big spiral tank and found a nice little cubby that we hung out in for over an hour just watching the turtles, sharks and fish. Lou was so excited when big fish swam by.

Unfortunately, we didn't get many great pics and the pics we do have are marred - Little Lou grabbed the lens at some unknown point and left finger prints on it! He definitely leaves his mark! I do like this little dark picture of him staring at the turtle :)

Oddly enough, the baby really loved the pond fishes. He laughed the most at the pond turtle. Giant sea turtles around and he loves the little pond turtle... too cute!

Around this point we started to quickly gather our things to leave - someone had major sleepy eyes.

So the aquarium was a great time. Two hours of fun without fussing - amazing. However, there were some downfalls. Thankfully Santa had already left us the tickets we needed (at a discount price too I hear!) - if we needed to buy tickets it would have been over an hour long wait in line - completely ridiculous! I will need to get a yearly membership if we find ourselves going often. If we do go often though, we will most definitely be taking the T. Parking raped my wallet charging us $35 for the two hours we were there.

I am also being to understand the souvenir photos now that I have a baby. I used to always hate how the minute you are inside a place - you need to pose for some awful picture they will try to sell you on your way out. Actually, who am I kidding, I still hate posing for the damn pictures. Only difference is, now I find myself actually purchasing these photos. That's right the pic were the hubby is the only one that looks good - the baby looks overwhelmed and shell shocked and I am turning sideways and glancing over my shoulder giving me a double chin. Yet still - buying the $20 pic wasn't enough and the hubby upgraded to the $30 package - too cute!

And because I never posted these pictures last weekend - here was last Saturday's bike ride. Lou got the 3 in 1 trike and totally LOVED being pushed around in it. I am really enjoying our family outings on Saturdays. They have been a great day to reset and recharge as a family after our collectively hectic weeks. I am going to miss it next week when the hubby starts back up working Saturdays at B & N. At least I get the amazing discount in return.....

One!?!

It happened, my baby turned 1. He had his first birthday check up on Tuesday. The day before he turned one. Which actually really sucked since it meant he had to miss two vaccines due to not being one yet, seriously a day too early.

He is 21.4 lbs and 29.5 inches long (25th % / 25 %). He is doing great. He is off the B-O-T-T-L-E (we have to spell it out around here!) and 100% on sippy cups. He switched over to milk this weekend- no more formula mixing ( a bane since I stopped pumping at 4 months). He LOVE it. I have been buying him organic milk since I am nervous about the growth hormones- please someone tell me it is not worth it because I hate spending the extra $ - even though from what his doctor said he thinks he'll be short so maybe the hormones would help! Totally not a baby anymore :sigh:

Wednesday was his birthday and we hung out all day :) We played and laughed and just cuddled and cooked. It was so special to hold him remembering a year ago when he was first born. Then the hubby and I went and got him a bike! He loves it! One of those 3 - in- 1 trikes.

Here the birthday boy is on it!!!

Then on Thursday I flew out to "Condiment Clinic" for my interview. It went amazing. What a beautiful facility. Top notch technology. Personnel treated with respect. It was wonderful. I got a small tour by the department head when he picked me up to start the interview. Sculptures. Paintings. Blown Glass artwork. I met with the lab head for 30 minutes for a quick lab tour. Well... we talked so much we couldn't tour the whole lab. I needed to get the abbreviated tour! Then I was grilled for an hour by the department head, lab supervisor and medical director. It went as well as those interviews can go. Then we went to lunch and I came home. The "Condiment Clinic" saga will be a post on its own.

I got home Friday night around 11:15 pm. Party was Saturday at 3! I felt like I didn't really get to mingle - but that's because there were 50! people there. Crazy. Here was our fishy cake:

A friend from work who bakes wonderfully, made these supplemental cupcakes. The orange octopus - well that is a smash cake she made him :) He is so lucky for so many people to care about him. The bakery gave me a small smash cake with his name and whatnot on it - but gosh was this better ! So thankfully Rebec made it for him.

He totally smashed the whole cake before tasting it. Just squishing it around while people started to lose their patience and were yelling "bite it!"

and finally he did.... then he continuously shoveled in the remainder (except for the portion that somehow made it into his diaper...)

Mommy and the messy birthday boy!

Then we had to open presents. OH MY! He got so much cool stuff. I guess that's what happens when you have 50 amazing people come by. I am not looking forward at all to all the thank you's this weekend!

A year. I love you baby boy!

Missing Vincent

I am getting slightly overwhelmed. O.K. at least I have work done for the week, one less thing to think about. I never take time off - so I am really excited! I have also been avoiding thinking of money since that just stresses me out and I know I really have no need to worry right now. Money is as tight as ever - but I budgeted for this birthday party and I deserve to shop and enjoy it- so there!

So why am I overwhelmed? SOOOOO much cleaning to do. So much everything to do. Plus....

In this planning though... I miss Vincent more than ever. His angel day is coming up on two years. 2 years without him. 1 year with Lou. It all feels so surreal. As vividly as I remember the joy of being told Lou would be joining us that night - I can also recall the single tear from the doctor who pronounced Vincent dead. It all sank in in that final moment.... once it was time to push... I didn't want to... I wanted to keep him. I lost my cool and started to cry and said "I can't - I don't want to - I'm so sorry I killed him"

Of course I wanted Vincent more than I wanted myself to live right then but still I failed him.

The truth is, I will enjoy Lou's Birthday. I will celebrate all the joy he has brought me. I will document every moment to show him how many people love him. I will make it through that day focuses solely on Lou.... but Vincent's loss will be a cloud in my sky. Everything I do is colored by his loss. Regardless of how much time has gone by - I had a son and he died. How can you not think about it? How can you not want your sons to grow up together? How can the happy moments not make your heart ache for one single second for the pain of the boy you never got to celebrate? Being a loss mom is forever.

One woman who experienced something very similar told me only time helps. Time helps you cope with the pain, but it certainly doesn't erase it.

I miss you little boy. Thank you for watching over your brother. Mommy loves you both oh so much.

What a Week!

This is going to be a busy week. I have off the whole week - except Monday. Blech. I worked Saturday a 15 hour shift and my internal clock is all off. I have to be up in 5 hours....thankfully for only one day this week.

We are in the final stages of renovating the attic. I am so excited. But it will be cutting it close. It makes a lot of organizing and cleaning before his party. His party is Saturday!!! His birthday is Wednesday - I can't believe what a year it has been. Very hard . Very amazing. Not to sound cheesy, but it is a perfect rainbow year to follow the awful year before.

So.... since I have a room still being painted - my house is a disaster. Toss in the random baby items I am trying to sell now and it's just a mess. I need to clean. I work tomorrow. I need to buy EVERYTHING for the boy's party. I need to fly out for an interview Thursday. I need everything for this trip still. Back just in time for the party!

It's going to be a nice release after a busy week to curl up by the keg Saturday night. Pictures to follow...

Ridiculously cute yet over priced birthday invitations with 12 months of pictures :) :)

Horribly over budget Nemo shaped cake.

A keg of miller light

A ridiculously cute t-shirt for Lou Jr.

A ridiculously inappropriate T-shirt for Lou Jr. .to wear to bed

50-60 people coming to my house

a whole room to finish before the party

a job interview a few states away - but I think I am all set with moving - that I am flying back from 17 HOURS before the party starts.

but I have never been so happy. I can;t believe he is almost one :)

I Love him so much. I love how excited he gets about the dogs :) He makes everything o.k.