It doesn't help I have been catching up on baby loss blogs recently. I am so emotional - I cry even easier than I would have non-pregnant, but if you have been there you know, reading is like therapy. You remember their baby, you remember your baby and you remember this is not the life you are supposed to have.
I have been sleeping with a teddy bear (a panda) I got at my ultrasound over 3 weeks ago. I have never been able to sleep with a stuffed animal, but for some reason I hold unto this little panda for dear life. It has a little box inside that has a recording of Sprout's heartbeat in it. So when we play it - I hear his heart beating away. I have wanted to add Vincent's hospital blanket to the things I cuddle - but I haven't done that since the hospital. There is a spot of ink on it from after his footprints were taken. I am terrified I will rub the spot off- now it is like tangible proof he was here.
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So at 11 something when I started this I was 21 + 4 weeks pregnant. I am now technically 21 +5 weeks. I decided to combine the two days together since not much happens over the weekend in the hospital.
Back to 4/25/09. It was a Saturday. It was also the first day I met Dr. M - who has taken care of me this pregnancy. I thought he was a douche. Sometimes he still is - but not to me so I don;t care!. He came in the room Saturday and told me my 24 hour urine came back and I had PE. It was around 650 mg. I was not leaving the hospital anytime soon. He was in and out of the room. After, I justified that he was just seeing a patient he had never met on a Saturday. I was probably too quick to judge him as a douche for not reassuring me. Now I now, there was nothing to reassure. ... and I do love him now so it's all good.
4/26/09 - Sunday. Nothing happens on Sundays in the hospital. Something happened inside of me though. I awoke crying from a dream I had. I have only shared bits of pieces of this dream with most people who are even aware of it. The hubby and my best friend are the only ones who know the whole dream.
Basically, I had a dream I had my little boy and was walking with him through different stages of his life. Holding him when he was a baby, watching him go to school, walking on a beach with him when he was older. I stopped and looked at him - he looked just like my husband at 19. Just gorgeous. Then I asked him "you aren't coming now are you?" and he just smiled and shook his head. Then I started breaking down in the dream and telling him all the fun things daddy and I had planned for him, how badly we wanted him. He just smiled at me. I said good-bye and I love you, then I called him a name that wasn't Vincent. My dream ended with me waking up as I was thinking why did I call him xxxx - his name is Vincent. When I woke up - I knew it was over. I knew Vincent wouldn't be coming home and was stuck just waiting for the doctors to confirm what I already knew.
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It been a long day in a long journey :sigh:
I worry about the SAME things, and those are things I never would have thought of until I met all the baby loss mamas. We are all here for one reason that got us to the end result and its scary thinking that any of those other things can take our baby away too.
ReplyDeleteI hate this.
Jamie, I feel your pain on this. We are trying again and this would be our third pregnancy. When I lost Jonathan they thought IC, but later blood tests revealed a blood clotting disorder, but when we get pregnant again I worry about everything else....what else will they find. *hugs* Know I am praying for you and sprout to stay healthy and happy.
ReplyDeleteOne: How did you get Sprouts heartbeat recorded? I would love something like that next time around.
ReplyDeleteTwo: If you want your doc to check your cervix, ask, it will ease your ming and it won't hurt anything to have it checked!
Three: I know I will worry next time too. I had no idea of all of the different things that can happen while you are pregnant, I was nieve and blind I guess.
HUGS to you, I hope you get some peace of mind!!
Brandy
I got the recording by doing a private scan at Gol,denveiw U.ltrasound. I think many private places will offer something similar. It is one of those extra things that I think most people won't spend $30 on a heartbeat bear - but I was all over it! It even has replaceable batteries.
ReplyDeleteIt is nice to know I am not alone in all my worries - but still wish you girls didn't have the same concerns. I am now on that pregnancy is scary page!
Everything you are describing is what I am expected to feel and worry about next time. I have a real life friend who lost her 2nd child on her due date almost 3 years ago - she had her rainbow baby in the spring. She has told me the same thing. Hugs...
ReplyDelete