september first - already?

There is this really nice girl at work. She is very talented artistically and can make science murals (oh yes they can be done) on a whiteboard with dry erase markers. she made this elaborate card for another coworker recently. You know, one of those people that just easily becomes your friends.

She made a card for someone's birthday tomorrow and was pushing me to sign it in case I was out tomorrow from working all night (which I won't be - boo!). September first. Suddenly I was crushed. My face tensed up in that odd expression you make when you realize "Ohmygodmybabydied". All at once. Sudden. Ugly. September 1st was my due date with Vincent. I got caught off guard. Last year writing 9/1 was horrible. I thought of the way life was supposed to be. We would have had our little boy and I would still be out on leave. An order was circled on our dry erase board talking about some supplies we weren't going to get until October. In early April I made the comment, " I will be a fucking mm before we get all those tubes in kim". Suddenly it is July and I am sitting there at work - looking at this circled message still. Only I wasn't pregnant anymore. My baby was gone.

So tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of his due date. It caught me off guard. I am sure it didn't help that I didn't get to see Lou all day because when I get home from my on-call, he was already fast asleep :(

Back to the story is - I don't want to sign the card (as thoughtful and sweet as it is). I am suppose to be throwing a first birthday.

But I'll play nice. I'll sign it tomorrow... and smile through the cake. Maybe it may be an extra klonopin time of day.