Secret Garden Meeting

Welcome everyone. If this is your first time here at The Secret Garden Meeting we hope that you find this place comforting. We apologize for the late meeting this month, time ran away with us all.
So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

I think I am at a standstill in my grief. It has been just over 6 months now since we lost Vincent.

I have definitely worked through a lot of the feelings Vincent's death brought about. I am no longer crying constantly - more like when something reminds me I should have an infant son. Thinking about him makes me happy. So I am moving forward - but still looking back a lot at what should have been.

I feel like grieving Vincent's loss fully - also means working through everything pre-eclampsia did to me and took from me. I don't feel as though I can do this yet being pregnant with all the same worries about PE. This is why I feel a bit at a standstill. PE will be deciding whether I can carry my child far along enough to live. PE will be deciding if I have another loss. So many factors that aren't up to me. I take my blood pressure daily - I know the signs to watch for- but I need to stay pregnant for at least 8 more weeks for Sprout to have a chance - and it's all up to PE.

I don't know where I will be in six months time. Will I be grieving another loss? Will I be moving forward and dealing with PE and it's effects on my life (I hope so- but I don't know)? I hope to be able to be moving away from these scary pregnancy days with a living child with me after all the struggle.

I have found peace Vincent is not with us. But it is disjointed because it brings about worries about Sprout. This is why I am at such a standstill. I will have to make a point to come back to this topic 6 months to a year and see how things have changed.

I have to add after thinking about it for a bit - this grief weighs very heavily on Sprout's pregnancy. Like - we kind of ignore it. I hate doing that because when I got pregnant with Sprout I was going to do everything I could to make sure I treasured this pregnancy. Weekly photos. Baby book starting immediately. In case the pregnancy was the only time we had together. In reality, I have done nothing of the sort. Instead I go day by day and pray I will stay pregnant long enough. I sleep a lot. My hubby doesn't really talk about Sprout. I know if we lose Sprout, it will hurt like hell all over again. This ignoring isn't really protecting us. It is hindering us from even a small enjoyment of the pregnancy thus far. So in the area of Vincent's loss - we are working through that. But the grief has also caused a loss of joy over Sprout's pregnancy. It is so multi-layered.