Who are the forgotten ones then? Well, they are the men who walk this road with us. Our husbands we have started to dream T-balls games, even though we warned them that T-ball is aways off right now! The boyfriends who joked with us about awful baby names and who you watched slowly become giddy about the pregnancy - sneaking glances at our bellies with smiles on their faces. The men who whispered loving things to us through our tears, stroked our hands during labor that we knew was not going to be all o.k.. Ultimately, they are the ones who tried to hold our worlds together and soothe out hearts when their worlds were crumbling around their broken hearts as well.
But they were the man, they had to be strong for us. What a load of shit.
Granted, I would never have done nearly as well when I was released from the hospital as I did if my hubby was there for me to cry on every morning. We were lucky , he stayed home the full month I did with me. But he was grieving too, his purpose was not just to console me - he had his own loss to work through himself.
The morning after I delivered Vincent my doctor came in to check up on me. I had delivered 20 hours before and said good-bye 14 hours after that. The doctor seemed surprised to find me curled up on the bed with Vincent's blanket , dazed red eyes from hour of crying and a healthy dose of percoset, all alone. He asked where my husband was. I decided to look up for a minute to answer his question and just said "home". I think the doctor thought I was upset about this because he mentioned everyone grieves in their own way... blah blah blah. I responded, "no shit- that's why I told him to stay in the god forsaken place anymore and to go home to the dogs. I have my own grieving to do right now and need to just focus on me". The doctor smiled and told me I would be O.K. - I laughed and asked for more percoset then cried some more. Surprisingly, the percoset showed up 15 minutes later.
I understand that the amount of time we spend grieving with each other is a personal thing. For me, I needed most of my time in the hospital after delivery alone. I needed to work through the despair. I was happy he wasn't there to see my ' why don't you go play in traffic now' face to the nurse who tried to make me shower as she was opening the curtains to let in sunlight. What was she thinking?!? Sunlight and showers - fuck that - I'll take more percoset and sleep now thank you very much. She eventually won , only be threatening to cath me again if I didn't get up and try to go pee and move around, what an evil evil threat. I understand why she did it- but that doesn't mean I didn't fight it every step of the way. I was happy he had that time to focus on himself and his loss - rather than do the suicide watch the nurses made me feel like I was on. When I eventually went home, he was there for me 100%. Actually , he was always there 100% - I just told him to stay home during the remainder of my hospital stay. We needed that little bit of time to grieve individually before grieving our collective loss - or maybe it was all me who needed the time, he just never complained.
When you start interacting with the world again you notice how your hubby has become the forgotten one. Everyone asks you how you are doing, while patting your husband on the back and telling him to 'take good care of her'. People will inquire to your husband about how you are doing, without ever thinking about the fact that they are hurting too. It really surprises me. My husband has heard people say about him "oh his wife had a baby really early and it died". Excuse me - it?!? He was a boy. Plus it wasn't MY baby I had - it was OUR baby that died.
Over 7 months later people will still ask if I am o.k. and how I am taking things - nobody asks him that. It is said his loss is not really recognized. Of course, some do recognize it, but not the majority.
So thank you to the men who stand by us and support us during these times. Who walk the road with us, but silently, their road is a much quieter and lonely road. Thank you, thank you , thank you. We would not have made it without your support. WE recognize your loss. WE know how your heart breaks. WE see your pain, and we walk that lonely road with you.
Jamie, what a beautiful post. So often our husbands are forgotten about. You are right....they suffer loss too. Thank you for sharing this post.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely post. Their hearts break as well and they need to grieve also.
ReplyDeleteGorgeous. You are so right. I'm sure your husband loves and adores you so much. I will always remember my husband coming into the bedroom about 3 months after we lost Ella in hysterical tears. He was missing her so much and asked if he could sleep with her blanket that night. I hate seeing him hurting, but know it's inevitable. I love having him to grieve with. We can talk about Ella for hours, and days on end. No one else will do that with me.
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