Once upon a time....

I had a baby and he died,

I went from being just shy of 6 months pregnant to being empty.

I had a baby and he died,

The first thing I did every morning, before getting out of bed but right after opening my eyes, was cry because this really happened. Then the tears just wouldn't stop.

I had a baby and he died,

Yet, I still felt his phantom kicks and felt pure joy before I remembered he was gone and my world was crushed again.

I had a baby and he died,

Mommy never even bought him anything special just for him and then it was too late. There's a free formula can in your memory box because dammit - it's the only thing that I ever got for you. I am sorry.

I had a baby and he died,

The months went by so fast, time was moving on but I was stuck right back on that day, april 29th, 2009, frozen in my grief. How is it August... I was sure it was only May at the latest.

I had a baby and he died,

and slowly people started to fade out of my life and I found myself alone right when I needed people the most.

I had a baby and he died,

his due date came and shattered me - forcing me to think about how different my life should be.

I had a baby and he died,

and suddenly people avoided me like you could catch "dead baby".

I had a baby and he died,

and my husband and I have never been able to get back to as close as we once were - how can we - we are not who we once were.

I had a baby and he died,

then I found out I was pregnant again. So scared. So happy. So cautious.

I had a baby and he died,

then I had many scares with my other son, but thankfully he lives, and not just in my heart but right here next to me.

I had a baby and he died and then I had a baby and he lives,

some of those people who left me, are creeping back in but I can't truly forget the day I looked around and saw I was all alone with my pain. where were all the well wishers when I needed wellness.

I had a baby and he died and then I had a baby and he lives,

and he lights up my world like I never knew possible. I love him with all my being.

I had a baby and he died and then I had a baby and he lives,

and suddenly no one cares if I might still hurt sometimes, what am I not grateful for the amazing son I have?

I had a baby and he died and then I had a baby and he lives,

and people just don't seem to understand the separateness of these statements. I cherish my little boy and love to watch him grow and live, but still........

I had a baby and he died.