So, some people know I was nervous to go to his party. My cousin is pregnant as well. I have never been close with her- more by circumstance than any real reason. She was 8 or 9 when my uncle married her mom. It was split between times when her and her brother would be at family gatherings - or if they were with their dad. At this point I was 18 and going off to college. I never really had a chance to have a relationship with her- of course I loved her in the family sense - would never wish anything bad on her - but didn't really know her - you know? So she found out she was pregnant a few weeks after I did. I was scared if I would have a break down seeing her. My due date was 1.5 weeks away. How do you look at someone with a big obvious bump. Her dreams are coming true - and it is a constant reminder of how shattered my life is. Purely by the fact that the timelines were so close. She has a big pregnant belly - mine is just fat. Christmas she will have a newborn - I was supposed to as well. IT IS NOT A JEALOUSY THING AT ALL. I do wish her the best - I just wasn't sure if seeing her would remind me of all I lost.
I went to the party. IT WAS GREAT! I couldn't really talk to her much - because every time I really looked at her tears would well up in my eyes. ALL FOR ME - NOTHING AGAINST HER. I was scared, will I ever get that pregnant? Will this pregnancy now be a repeat of the past? The pain is shattering - for me. I just want to have some hope things will be O.K. for me someday. No one ever really says anything to me about my son. I know they just don;t want to upset me, but god I would feel better talking to people rather than feeling like he is forgotten.
I HAD A SON. I DELIVERED HIM. I HELD HIM FOR 6 HOURS BEFORE HE WAS TAKEN TO THE MORGUE. I LEFT THE HOSPITAL WITH A MEMORY BOX WITH HIS CLOTHES AND BLANKETS. HIS ASHES ARE FEET AWAY FROM ME NOW. yet to so many people he never existed - almost like it doesn't count because he died.
All-in-all, the party was great. I was occasionally eyeing the bump hoping this pregnancy gets to that point :) So I was a bit withdrawn, but that was so I didn't break down sobbing over what was lost. I was really proud of myself - and happy - then the husband showed up.........
The night before the party my mom and I had a few fights, caused by misunderstandings. She didn't really understand why I was nervous to see her - she did, but not really. After much talking later, my mom got where I was coming from. WORRIED ABOUT HOW IF I COULD HANDLE A CONSTANT REMINDER OF HOW THINGS SHOULD BE. Let's just say my husband showed up - in a pissy mood- and made a rude comment to my mom about some of the comments said the night before and stormed away. Seriously? I had told him repeatedly things were fine - we talked it out - I was texting him with what a great day I was having. So he showed up and acted the part of asshole quite well. I had to hear about from another aunt and uncle who said "WTF? What's his problem? Why is being so weird?" . I confronted him on it. Whatever. He talked it out with my mom. Whatever. I am so upset by it. I was embarrassed. I didn't go back downstairs to say bye to everyone because I was uncomfortable.
I had a really great day, then he showed up and made it so I was uncomfortable around everyone I had overcome my fears about seeing. Now I feel like I am back at square one. I don't want to talk to anyone. I am horrified by his behavior. He took all my self-work being able to go to the party - and crumpled it up. Made it look like I was as pissy as him - just hiding it better. I know this wasn't the case - I was really having fun! I even caught myself day dreaming about what it would be like to be that pregnant. :)
So now the hubby is on my bad list. He took all the work I did - and threw it out the window. Today I should be proud at how I was able to face my fears and come out on top - instead I am embarrassed and upset about how his behavior reflected on me.
Sigh.
5 more days until ultrasound!!!
I think I have morning sickness. Well all day sickness. I throw up consistently a few hours after every meal. I'll tak eit as a good sign :)
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