Blech -Pre-eclampsia Again ... Officially

So Sunday I went to L& D at 2 am for a headache that just wouldn't quit - even with Tylenol. BPs were 150s/90s. My meds got increased and I was allowed to go home. The next day I had a dr.'s appt and he hospitalized me. My BPs were 150s/100s (that is heavily medicated) and my urine is now positive for "enough" protein for PE to be diagnosed.

We need to rue out these headaches as being sinus related because god would I hate to deliver early due to a sinus infection :/ I have no signs of infection though - so they will not give me antibiotics. If I can't shake the headaches we will deliver. Ahhhh!!! I hate feeling like it is something that is up to me - ie whether my headache is getting better or worse holds so much weight for Sprout. The real problem with them is that they are not that painful - so it seems like such overkill for people to be in a tizzy about the fact they won't go away. I know why they are worried - but honestly - just give me some antibiotics in case. Thankfully my MFM is questioning sinus involvement as well - so he will not rush to deliver. The problem is I can't get them to go away. In preeclampsia this can indicate cerebral swelling. However, most describe the headache as excruciating- me - nope more of an annoyance. I don't want to seize or have a stroke - but I don't want anyone to panic and deliver Sprout early without just cause.

So basically I am stable, in the hospital, but stable. I think it is looking like I will be here until delivery - which we would probably do now at 36 weeks the latest. That is only 4.5 weeks away ! Where did time go. So I am stable, Sprout hopefully will be too. I am worried his growth is slowing down. I had a fun ultrasound today. One of the doctors who induced me with Vincent is learning how to do in depth u/s and he asked if I would want to volunteer for him to scan me with a teacher. It was really really cool. First off, I love this doctor has visited me every time I have been admitted for social reasons - or like today to offer me a u/s! It means so much to me that my experience last time touched him so much. He is always smiling about how far I have come - and he is not even my doctor at all now! The u/s itself was cool because they were going really in depth with his face and racing to scan from point A to point B in the quickest time frames :)

It was scary as well though because the rough measurements they took of Sprout's legs and skull make it look like he hasn't grown much in the past two weeks. I will have an official growth scan later this week though - so I will not worry until I have an official report. I keep reminding myself this was training and not diagnostic - but we know how much everything can worry us now.

So, how am I feeling - guilty. I feel guilty that my body is making it so Sprout isn't in optimal conditions now, I feel guilty he may come early. I feel guilty I have focused so much on losing Vincent - I haven't really bonded with this guy yet. I know that will all change and the bonding will be instant - but I feel bad I don't have that silly bliss about me.

Everytime it takes more than a few seconds to hear him on the doppler - I worry he is gone. When he is being evaluated for how he is doing on the inside - I worry my placenta is failing him and this will be the time he shows distress. I worry I won't feel him for a while and won't notice and when I do - that it will be too late. I worry my headaches will not go away and he will be in the NICU over me having stupid sinus pressures and freaking everyone out about it. I now even worry that the fact my blood sugars are AMAZING means my placenta is quitting out on me.

I guess mentally I am not really O.K. I thought I was doing alright - but I am kind of in denial. I am hoping to hold off delivery until we can avoid the NICU. Honestly though, I can't see myself with a baby - I just can't. My mind doesn't go that far. Now people are talking about delivery soon and weighing pros vs cons - it all feels so unreal. I think we didn't deal with our emotions and try to work through our loss before this pregnancy. The way I looked at it was it was always going to hurt so why wait? But we were never able to really focus on Sprout. We are so happy he is coming and sooooo excited we have gotten this far - but how do you start preparing for a baby you didn't even consider was a possibility until 3 weeks ago? It sounds so morbid - but loss parents out there will understand - you try to walk a fine line between cherishing every day with the pregnancy and also protecting yourself from loss again. Your world gets so shattered at that first loss - when suddenly the whole world is differently than you expected it. It is hard to imagine having a different ending. I mean last time you were prepared. last time you were ready. last time you were crushed by loss. This time kind of lives in the shadow of last time. Maybe more so for me than others since I have been on bedrest and at risk for PE the whole time again. What I wouldn't give for that ignorant bliss back.

Then do you want to hear the really awful part? Part of me is actually upset I don't get the "normals". I mean -I should be so much more grateful than that since I know how fragile a pregnancy can be. Yet I find myself upset I won't be able to go to my baby shower and mingle and smile with ease. If by some miracle I am out of the hospital that day (unlikely) I will be laying on my left side the whole shower. Taking my BP the time. Oh - and not eating cake because of the GD! I am upset I missed out on the normal living of your every day life when pregnant. Going to work pregnant, shopping for baby stuff. Seems silly, but when you can't leave your couch they start to be more important. The biggest thing I feel like I am missing out on is having a normal birth experience. I have always envisioned being home and having my water break and the mad dash to the hospital. Highly unlikely now. Most likely I will be induced. I also feel like I do not have the freedom to have as many children as I want. Sprout will be our only one. Pregnancy is too hard on my body and if I have a child at home to support - I can't go through another high risk pregnancy like this. It is so hard on you mentally, financially and physically. I could do this because it was just me and the hubby and we WOULD NOT give up on trying to bring a baby home. Once we have one home- I don't think we will do this again. Thank god for IUDs!

But either way - we are lucky we have made it this far. I am very grateful and whatever journey we face next will be with Sprout. We never made it this far with Vincent - so whatever is in the cards now for us will be a new journey. Vincent will be with us in spirit and memory - but I am leaning to talk to Sprout and prepare for the road ahead with him. I am sorry it took so long for me to talk to him and rub his little legs while he kicks - but I was not ready before. I am sure he hears enough of my mindless drabble anyway! So hospital time is me + sprout bonding time. What do I miss about home?

WELL .. the dachshies of course!!!! My bedrest buddies! So here are some pics of them to end on!

Me and Belle- complete with my swollen PE face!

She goes to whoever will cuddle her

But her favorite really is the hubby!

and sweet Grant - he was laying under the covers with his head on my belly- he likes to listen to Sprout's heartbeart - what a sweet little man!