I AM happy to be pregnant

So I am absolutely thrilled to be pregnant again. 

I understand how lucky I am to be able to get pregnant - I am still not sure if I can carry a baby to term (or close) - but it is comforting to not have to deal with infertility as well. The people I know who have had to deal with infertility are truly amazing people.  The cost , mental, physical and financial, are HUGE. I admire their strength and wish them all the best.

The reason I am not EXCITED yet about this pregnancy - is well - it's been fucking scary.  I always knew a pregnancy after a loss would be hard- but in this case - this subchorionic hematoma is really not helping things. I know things will probably turn out O.K. - but it's not hard for my mind to go straight to worst case scenario. 

Like my hubby said today, we have known about this pregnancy for 3 weeks tomorrow (gotta love early detection - really it just means more time to worry!). These past 3 weeks have involved changes in blood pressure medicine, stressing over beta results and then the horrid bleeding scares. It has been a tough road.

BUT... I do hope sprout is doing O.K. I hope this pregnancy ends with a take home baby. Just forgive me if I am not day dreaming about nurseries and names - that won't happen until I enter the unknown for me territory of the 3rd trimester. 

So I AM VERY happy to be pregnant - but I am sorry I am not that happy pregnant girl. Bear with me. Hopefully, I'll get there.

We have a Heart Beat!

What a week this been. There was a bleeding scare on Monday followed by a 5.5 week u/s. One thing I didn't know is that 5.5 week u/s are SCARY! There is pretty much no answer as to whether baby is there or not. Gestational sac:  check. Yolk sac: check. Number of fetuses: 0. Huh? The doctor made sure to tell me I was measuring on target so that the lack of seeing a fetal pole wasn't anything to really worry about. Me - not worry- HA!

The OB covering for my doc encourage me to wait until a week later for a u/s. I has one scheduled for Friday - so I told him I was keeping it! He agreed - only with the stipulation that I don't freak out if it is still too early for a heart beat to be detected. Yeah- I'm sure I wouldn't have freaked out :) But I agreed.

Friday, the doctor comes in the room and asks what happened with my past pregnancy. I tell her and she says how sorry she is - then zoomed right in on the little sprout. There was such a strong heart beat! She then showed me the evil subchorionic hematoma. Boo!!! At least it deemed moderate in size and not large - of course I would have preferred no hematoma or a small hematoma - but moderate is better than large! Then she zoomed back to the heart beat to have us watch that again before ending the u/s. 120 bpm. Due: 4/23/10.  Please stick around sprout - or April will be unbearable with Vincent's birthday being 4/29/09.

So now, I am just sitting around doing nothing! Hoping this bleed will reabsorb. Funny how after a loss - pregnancy feel less real. Not to say sprout isn't already loved - but it's almost like that voice in the back of your head tells you this means nothing more than you have a living baby right NOW. It means nothing as to whether you will have a living baby come home. It sounds pessimistic - but it's true. Yes, I have hopes and dreams for this pregnancy. Yes, I hope it turns out differently. But at the same time we should have Vincent home with us now - and it hurts. Positive pregnancy test doesn't equal healthy baby. Seeing a heart beat doesn't mean a happy ending. Entering the second trimester doesn't make you home free. You only get a healthy baby - when that baby is born HEALTHY.  i will enjoy this pregnancy though. I will hope - but it is oh so different from the first time around. 

I came across these poems - and I think they describe how I feel more than words I say will.

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
as I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!
I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.
for no matter what she says ...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
~Author~
Kaye Des'Ormeaux

My Dad is a Survivor

My dad is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.

But, I walk with my dad each day
to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.

I watch him sit up late at night
with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.

My dad is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.

Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.

Now, as I watch over my precious dad
from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love.

"Nobody Knows"
Nobody knows it's empty
This smile that I wear
The real one is left in the past
Because you have left me there.

Nobody knows I'm crying
They won't even see my tears
When they think that I am laughing
I'm still wishing you were here.

Nobody knows I'm lying
When I say I'm moving on
They think that I've accepted it
But I can't believe you're gone.

Nobody knows it's different
They think I'm just the same
But still I weaken at the knees
When someone says your name.

Nobody knows it's painful
They think that I am strong
They say that this won't kill me
But I wonder if they're wrong.

Nobody knows I'm praying
That you will change your mind
They think that I had let you go
When you left me behind.

Nobody knows I miss you
They think I feel set free
But I feel like I'm bound with chains
Trapped in this misery.

Nobody knows I want you
They think that I'm alright
But I'm still dancing with you
When I'm dreaming in the night.

Nobody knows I need you
They say I can do it on my own
But they don't know I'm crying
When I am all alone.
`
-- Author Unknown

parties, preggos, and more...

FIRST UP - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MICHAEL !!! I can't believe he is 18. I was the first person to ever feed him - I got to give him a bottle of water in the Nursery after he was born (my cousin was the nurse- so she bent some rules for me). I was 10. The next brother came along 2 years later. My dad works nights so my mom was busy with the new baby - and it was just Mike and I. I love you - and you will always be my little brother - no matter how big you are!

So, some people know I was nervous to go to his party. My cousin is pregnant as well. I have never been close with her- more by circumstance than any real reason. She was 8 or 9 when my uncle married her mom. It was split between times when her and her brother would be at family gatherings - or if they were with their dad. At this point I was 18 and going off to college. I never really had a chance to have a relationship with her- of course I loved her in the family sense - would never wish anything bad on her - but didn't really know her - you know? So she found out she was pregnant a few weeks after I did.  I was scared if I would have a break down seeing her. My due date was 1.5 weeks away. How do you look at someone with a big obvious bump. Her dreams are coming true - and it is a constant reminder of how shattered my life is. Purely by the fact that the timelines were so close. She has a big pregnant belly - mine is just fat. Christmas she will have a newborn - I was supposed to as well. IT IS NOT A JEALOUSY THING AT ALL. I do wish her the best - I just wasn't sure if seeing her would remind me of all I lost.

I went to the party. IT WAS GREAT! I couldn't really talk to her much - because every time I really looked at her tears would well up in my eyes. ALL FOR ME - NOTHING AGAINST HER. I was scared, will I ever get that pregnant? Will this pregnancy now be a repeat of the past? The pain is shattering - for me.  I just want to have some hope things will be O.K. for me someday.  No one ever really says anything to me about my son. I know they just don;t want to upset me, but god I would feel better talking to people rather than feeling like he is forgotten. 

I HAD A SON. I DELIVERED HIM. I HELD HIM FOR 6 HOURS BEFORE HE WAS TAKEN TO THE MORGUE. I LEFT THE HOSPITAL WITH A MEMORY BOX WITH HIS CLOTHES AND BLANKETS. HIS ASHES ARE FEET AWAY FROM ME NOW. yet to so many people he never existed - almost like it doesn't count because he died. 

All-in-all, the party was great. I was occasionally eyeing the bump hoping this pregnancy gets to that point :)  So I was a bit withdrawn, but that was so I didn't break down sobbing over what was lost. I was really proud of myself - and happy - then the husband showed up.........

The night before the party my mom and I had a few fights, caused by misunderstandings. She didn't really understand why I was nervous to see her - she did, but not really.  After much talking later, my mom got where I was coming from. WORRIED ABOUT HOW IF I COULD HANDLE A CONSTANT REMINDER OF HOW THINGS SHOULD BE.  Let's just say my husband showed up - in a pissy mood- and made a rude comment to my mom about some of the comments said the night before and stormed away. Seriously? I had told him repeatedly things were fine - we talked it out - I was texting him with what a great day I was having. So he showed up and acted the part of asshole quite well. I had to hear about from another aunt and uncle who said "WTF? What's his problem? Why is being so weird?" . I confronted him on it. Whatever. He talked it out with my mom. Whatever. I am so upset by it. I was embarrassed. I didn't go back downstairs to say bye to everyone because I was uncomfortable.

I had a really great day, then he showed up and made it so I was uncomfortable around everyone I had overcome my fears about seeing. Now I feel like I am back at square one. I don't want to talk to anyone. I am horrified by his behavior.  He took all my self-work being able to go to the party - and crumpled it up. Made it look like I was as pissy as him - just hiding it better. I know this wasn't the case - I was really having fun! I even caught myself day dreaming about what it would be like to be that pregnant. :) 

So now the hubby is on my bad list. He took all the work I did - and threw it out the window. Today I should be proud at how I was able to face my fears and come out on top - instead I am embarrassed and upset about how his behavior reflected on me.

Sigh.

5 more days until ultrasound!!!

I think I have morning sickness. Well all day sickness. I throw up consistently a few hours after every meal. I'll tak eit as a good sign :)

A sampling of things Pre-E took from me

Truly, after pre-eclampsia you will never be the same. 

People were always telling me that I would have a healthy second pregnancy after Vincent's loss. Well honestly know one knows a damn thing about whether PE will strike again or not do they?  Not to mention that going through a loss is horrible - I wouldn't wish it upon anyone - when you are not sure whether it will happen again - you mourn not only your precious little angel - but also the fact that you may never have children of your own.  Was the only time you will ever be called mom and dad when filling out the hospital papers pertaining to your son's death certificate? My little boy is gone - and  my due date is still 2 weeks away. The pain can be crushing.

Then, when considering a second pregnancy - I swore I would enjoy it. Take it as it's own pregnancy and not worry because worrying does not help anything. Now that I have that second pregnancy, I am not excited. I am worried. I feel like this just won't work out. I went to write the day of my u/s on my calendar yesterday - and realized I don't want to write it there - what is I miscarry before that day? What if we don't see a heartbeat? I walked away from the calendar instead.

You see, when I was pregnant with Vincent - I had a calendar I loved!!!! All daschund puppies. I wrote happy moments on the calendar - smiley faces - hearts on days we had u/s. It was happy. When I was worried about pre-eclampsia coming on , much early than my doctors were worried truthfully, I went through my calendar and marked each week. Marked when I would have enough leave time accrued - marked when my mini-goals were. When I got out of the hospital after Vincent's death, I needed to go into work and pick up that calendar - there were weeks and weeks left on it that I would never be able to look at. 

With Vincent, I was starting to think about what would make a nice baby book.  We never got that far. Then pre-pregnancy I was thinking about how I would do a weekly bump book with pics and updates.  Now I am not sure I can do that without being terrified about eventual loss :(  

With Vincent I had very sore breasts and horrid heartburn for the first 7 weeks. This time, I actually check constantly - nope no sore breasts. Some mild heartburn here and there and nausea. I am actually worried about lack of symptoms when last time I was ecstatic about getting away with minimal. I have no appetite either - I have lost 5 pounds since finding out I was pregnant a week ago (I def. have the weight to spare- so I am not too worried about that ;p). These things make me wonder constantly if I have a viable pregnancy in there. 

I hope after I see a heartbeat, if one is there - please please please, that I will relax a little and begin to be cautiously optimistic. It's not like I am worried all the time - I just don't feel it's real. I don't want to feel that way for an entire pregnancy! I am sure I will feel better after seeing a heartbeat - 10 more days until u/s....... 10 more days.

If this pregnancy doesn't work - I will definitely be shattered. Mostly because everyone knows about it. I had to tell work so I could go off-call. Everyone already knows :( I would not like to hear all their advice.  Also, if the heart beat isn't seen - that will be awful since I will find out 3 days before Vincent's due date. That would mean 2 pregnancies with no living children ending within 10 months - ouch. But if that does happen- I will try try try again. I have no idea why I am so terrified of a first trimester loss - I have never had one - maybe I feel like I am due for one :(  

I woke up today with a headache and slept in. Took the day off work. I just needed to sleep and try not to feel for a day. Then I feel guilty for taking time off of work. ugh - there is no winning.

Here is to hoping I see a heartbeat and then things get easier from there..............

Here is a picture of my precious little boy. I will miss and love you forever.

Hmmm. hCG 4

So we are still within the normal range. Levels went from 312 - 648. ... but that was 71 hours :( 

I know that normal doubling times are 48-72 hours- but boy would I have felt better if it was higher. Now I have an u/s scheduled for 8/28 to hopefully see a little sprout. My OB  doesn't think we need to do anymore hCG levels - hopefully I will NOT call her and get another one done at the end of the week.  I'm trying not to!!!

The whole day really sucked actually. I went to the doctor for a BP check and to get my results. The med tech/ nurse assistant / complete idiot really fucked up. I sat in the chair for my BP reading and she mentioned todays hCG results were back. 

me: Oh, really? Awesome! What are they?

clueless girl: 312

me: oh fuck - so I am having a miscar..... wait, it is the same exact value as last Friday?

cg: well these are today's results

me: but that is the SAME EXACT number as Friday's

cg: well that is not good then

me: the SAME number - are you sure?

cg: (all exasperated now) - it says right here - 8/14 - that's today!!!

me: OMG YOU IDIOT -TODAY IS 8/17 - WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

cg: oh, here let me take your BP

me: well you just insisted I was having a miscarriage so I don't think now is the time for BP readings but knock yourself the fuck out - by the way - the regular cuff is slightly small for me - use the large

cg: we never use the large. I mean this is the adult cuff. Your arms aren't huge. This is what we use

me: well - then just make sure my arm is within the measurement range.

cg: there isn;t a range - this is just the right cuff

At this point I called over another tech who confirmed YES I AM toward the upper limit of the regular cuff and SHOULD use the large

So when I FINALLY got today's results I was a bit jaded.

I am going to try and stay really busy for the next 11 days. Reading, TV to catch up on, my little brother turning 18!!! I will try not to stress too much.

It doesn't help that we are coming up on Vincent's due date. God, that hurts. I feel like I can't even get excited. I have an irrational fear of a first trimester miscarriage. THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG 11 DAYS!!! Grrr.

Today is the day it all begins

At least I hope! Today is the day I go get another hCG draw.  The last ones were Monday. Wednesday and Friday (48, 157, 312). IF it is over 500 - Dr. C. considers this a viable pregnancy. Then I can check my BP again - I hate how high my systolic pressure is :(  I am running about 140/70. Hopefully Dr. C. will be able to hand me along to Dr. E. - the specialist man today. Hopefully today is the day it all begins.

Level 2 ...and do you have any kids?

So we have a rise! In 43 hours my levels went from 48 (woo hoo - 

I was one point higher than I thought on Monday :p )  to 157! 

The doc wants me to keep taking draws until I hit 500 - 

I am hoping Friday's draw will be the one... or I'll take another on Monday :)

Lot's of people are asking how the hubby and I are doing.  

We are taking it one day at a time. There are no guarantees - 

but worrying doesn't help anything. So I am going to take a page out of 

Belle's book and stop and smell the flowers along the way

Unfortunately, my little baby Belle is being watched by this guy.

On a side note, we have a new girl at work. Today she asked me if I had kids.

Surprisingly, this is the first time I have been asked this since Vincent's stillbirth. 

I was silent for a second - not because I didnot know how to answer - but I did not 

know how to answer without making her uncomfortable. I tooka deep breath and told 

her I delivered my only child, a son named Vincent Patrick, at 22.5 weeks at

the end of April. He was stillborn. Then I said but boy was he cute! 

I needed to lighten the mood.

I guess I should get used to that question though.

I am eagerly awaiting a u/s on the current sprout to see a heartbeat!

First hCG level

It's official - I am pregnant. The nurse made a point to tell me the number was a little low - I think 47. But once she heard I JUST got a positive FRER and have been having 35-39 day cycles lately and am only on Day 30 - she said things look good. Tomorrows level will tell if the cub is sticking.

Here is the progression of HPTs. I swear the one on the top has a really really faint line. I have no idea why the top test is looking icky. 

Todays is darkest woo hoo! Let's hope for a good number tomorrow!!!

The HPT says....

BFP!!!!

Yep - today there was no denying that second line.  I expected to feel fear - I mean what if the baby doesn't stick, what if I have a first trimester miscarriage, what if I make it through all that just to face PE again early on.  What will I do without my on-call money - we struggle as is. It's enough to make me insane with worry!

Instead I felt - immense joy!!! Everyone is telling me how much better I am talking it than they expected - after all I do tend to worry about everything. I am just going to take this one day at a time -  and today is good. Actually today is great! 

One thing I learned from Vincent's pregnancy is that worrying doesn't help a damn thing. I also learned that there really never is a safe time to tell others you are pregnant. I waiting until 13 weeks last pregnancy, and I still lost him.  The happiest memories I have are from when I was preggo with that little boy. I WILL NOT cheat this baby out of those happy memories.

It did kinda suck to have to tell everyone at work today - before my first set of betas even! But I was having trouble finding coverage for my on-call shifts - so I had to open up. Said when work knows before mom (I remedy that later :p )

Current plan: we are doing hcg levels today and Wednesday for sure. I am trying not to stress out too much over the numbers since I think I am fairly early on. If numbers are looking good - woo hoo! If they are a little low (which is a real possibility using these FRER tests - the downside to early detection!), we will draw another hcg on Friday.

IF, all that looks good we will do a u/s around 7 weeks. After heartbeat is seen (please god) , we will do a baseline 24 hour urine to see if I spill a bit of protein from the get go.

My OB - who I really must say is sooo wonderful - is setting me up with a High Risk OB after the u/s. I am really appreciative that she wants me to be watched so closely. I was worried I would blame her for what went wrong because she read the signs and tried to set me up for high risk before things got bad.... but we weren't pushy enough. On the contrary she has made me feel as though she will fight with me. She has made me feel great when she O.K'd me to TTC. Basically, she has been nothing but supportive. Alas, I accept - quite willingly I may add - that I need to be followed closely. Oddly enough this OB is actually my last GYN's wife! I saw that GYN for 10 years then switched to one closer to the Brig.  The one I picked - without knowing it- was his wife! Too funny!

Meds:

I am taking:

1 mg Folic Acid

prenatals w/ DHA

Calcium supplement

LDA- I am really hoping the low dose aspirin really helps!

60 mg Procardia ER (to keep BP better than before)

clonazapem - to keep me sane!

I still take zyrtec, pulmicort and albuterol as needed for my asthma.

A women at work told me next year is the Chinese Year of the Tiger. She patted my belly and told me to grow my little cub. They are all so sweet and supportive. I know what I went through was hard on them too. They are all really really REALLY amazing, supportive and wonderful. 

Stick little cub... please stick :) Mommy needs to hold her baby more than once this time!

The Daschunds <3

Update first on yesterday's faint line - another faint line this morning. It appeared at within 10 minutes - but it was oh so light. Within 20 minutes it was light pink. It is still what I am considering negative. I will test again Monday then every 2 days. I will update!

Here are the awesome daschies! Grant is a 2 year 3 month old red piebald smooth standard. Belle is supposed to be a black/tan mini - but she weighs 17 pounds! The vet said yesterday that she needs to lose 1.5 pounds. Even if she goes down to 15 pounds which we think is her happy weight - she is well above the mini cut-off of 11 pounds. Grant is a fatty. I have been calling him sausage dog. He was 24.5 pounds. His happy weight is 20-21 pounds. It's diet time for both of them! 

Grant added another story to his awesomeness resume last week.  So most people who read this will know Grant made his horrid story debut the day he decided to swallow a chicken bone. Big deal right? Every dog does that at some point. Well he swallowed a 3 inch long 1.5 inch thick bone. The horrible part was that he was acting fine and the hubby was disagreeing  he swallowed the bone! Grant was walking around all fine. Finally, I won out and we brought him to the hospital. The doctors just thought I was overreacting. Then the ran out explaining how they had no idea how he swallowed something that big without choking. Apparently, my dog has no gag reflux. Awesome. The only way to get the bone out was knocking him out and retrieving it endoscopically. It was a success - the couldn't believe how large the bone was - and he then um... expelled an ass load of rubber bands - literally - an ass load. 

Next Pet ER visit was when he started crying and running around weird on New Year's Eve. When I looked at him, I noticed it. He had a massive erection that was hitting the ground whenever he walked. It was awful! The vets office probably thought I was insane when I called. I had to bring him in to get it put back in! The hubby and I made it home in time to kiss at midnight though. we won't go into how that turned out to be the worst year of my life anyway.

Last week we let Grant and Belle out when we got home from work. Grant flushed a rabbit out of the bushes! He was so excited we let him chase the rabbit - he was so far behind he never would have caught it. He is running and getting all worked up. Panting and crazy looking eyes. He crests the hill in the backyard and is on the rocks - then we hear him barking INSANELY! We got up to the top of the hill to see a teenage girl grab a towel, cover her breasts, then fall face first into the rocks. The poor girl then got up, grabbed the towel across her chest, and ran off barefoot into the woods. A teenage boy was pulling his pants on, and a lab was sitting next to him. Where was Grant? Grant was running around them in circles, barking his head off, tongue lolling out of his mouth and insanity from being on the path a prey in his eyes! He was wagging his tail and would NEVER bite anyone - but it was hilarious. We had to drag him home. Now first thing he does in the morning is run up the rocks to check for underage fornicators :)  When none are found he struts back down the rocks like he did the best thing ever. He IS king ! Oh, the joys of having conservation woods in your backyard. 

Belle is a sweetie. I actually bought her from a pet store because she was going to a high-kill shelter the next week if she wasn't bought. She wasn't a puppy anymore - she was 5 months old. The clerk told me how lucky she would be to find a family and was 50% off. He then told me 15 more times it would be really great if I could get her within the week. I brought her home that day.  She took a long time to come around to us. We have had her for a year now, and she has only really been interested in us for a few months. At least she always had Grant and they were inseparable since she came home. She really is a little sweetie now :)

Is that a double line I see?

The past few weeks have been really hard on me - as in really really hard. 

July 29th was Vincent's 3-month angel day. It was tough to think it had been that long. 3 months ago to the day I was in the same hospital - holding my little baby boy. 3 months later I was working away - with no living baby at home. I should have had a 3 month old baby. Actually, I should still have been pregnant. Instead I was walking around all day in a daze mourning what had become.

I found myself in the chapel at work. I went and got the memory book I had wrote in the day we left the hospital with our memory box instead of our baby.  I had a good cry and went about the day. 

Actually that wasn't even the start of things. First, 7/27 I told a friend I couldn't talk to him about his upcoming baby because it hurt me too much. Instead it came off as me saying I didn't care. I know that is not how it was meant - and really he should understand that as well- but a friendship kinda died that night and I cried over my behavior ... which I still think is perfectly understandable. 7/28 I cried the whole way home from work wondering what happened to me. 7/29 I had the above mentioned breakdown and ended up in the chapel at work.

Since then I have been so upset by the pregnant women coming into the hospital to have their babies - that is what I should be doing. I can't complain too much though at work - some people think I am not handling my loss very well - like I should be over it - really? i will never be over my son not being here. I am forever changed.

Anyway, I have been feeling really sick and emotional - so just for the hell of it I took a pregnancy test. It was negative and I tossed it after 2 minutes. Then I went through all of Vincent's pictures and blanket from the memory box.  3 hours later that pregnancy test was looked at again - definitely a faint line there. It was after the test limit - so I am considering it negative - but I have never had an evaporation line on a FRER. They are really quality tests. So now I am not sure. I may actually be pregnant again. That terrifies me. It excites me as well though. I am going to retest tomorrow with FMU. We'll see. However I know now that a positive pregnancy test does not mean bringing home a baby nine months later. One day at a time - let's see what tomorrow's test brings.