A sampling of things Pre-E took from me

Truly, after pre-eclampsia you will never be the same. 

People were always telling me that I would have a healthy second pregnancy after Vincent's loss. Well honestly know one knows a damn thing about whether PE will strike again or not do they?  Not to mention that going through a loss is horrible - I wouldn't wish it upon anyone - when you are not sure whether it will happen again - you mourn not only your precious little angel - but also the fact that you may never have children of your own.  Was the only time you will ever be called mom and dad when filling out the hospital papers pertaining to your son's death certificate? My little boy is gone - and  my due date is still 2 weeks away. The pain can be crushing.

Then, when considering a second pregnancy - I swore I would enjoy it. Take it as it's own pregnancy and not worry because worrying does not help anything. Now that I have that second pregnancy, I am not excited. I am worried. I feel like this just won't work out. I went to write the day of my u/s on my calendar yesterday - and realized I don't want to write it there - what is I miscarry before that day? What if we don't see a heartbeat? I walked away from the calendar instead.

You see, when I was pregnant with Vincent - I had a calendar I loved!!!! All daschund puppies. I wrote happy moments on the calendar - smiley faces - hearts on days we had u/s. It was happy. When I was worried about pre-eclampsia coming on , much early than my doctors were worried truthfully, I went through my calendar and marked each week. Marked when I would have enough leave time accrued - marked when my mini-goals were. When I got out of the hospital after Vincent's death, I needed to go into work and pick up that calendar - there were weeks and weeks left on it that I would never be able to look at. 

With Vincent, I was starting to think about what would make a nice baby book.  We never got that far. Then pre-pregnancy I was thinking about how I would do a weekly bump book with pics and updates.  Now I am not sure I can do that without being terrified about eventual loss :(  

With Vincent I had very sore breasts and horrid heartburn for the first 7 weeks. This time, I actually check constantly - nope no sore breasts. Some mild heartburn here and there and nausea. I am actually worried about lack of symptoms when last time I was ecstatic about getting away with minimal. I have no appetite either - I have lost 5 pounds since finding out I was pregnant a week ago (I def. have the weight to spare- so I am not too worried about that ;p). These things make me wonder constantly if I have a viable pregnancy in there. 

I hope after I see a heartbeat, if one is there - please please please, that I will relax a little and begin to be cautiously optimistic. It's not like I am worried all the time - I just don't feel it's real. I don't want to feel that way for an entire pregnancy! I am sure I will feel better after seeing a heartbeat - 10 more days until u/s....... 10 more days.

If this pregnancy doesn't work - I will definitely be shattered. Mostly because everyone knows about it. I had to tell work so I could go off-call. Everyone already knows :( I would not like to hear all their advice.  Also, if the heart beat isn't seen - that will be awful since I will find out 3 days before Vincent's due date. That would mean 2 pregnancies with no living children ending within 10 months - ouch. But if that does happen- I will try try try again. I have no idea why I am so terrified of a first trimester loss - I have never had one - maybe I feel like I am due for one :(  

I woke up today with a headache and slept in. Took the day off work. I just needed to sleep and try not to feel for a day. Then I feel guilty for taking time off of work. ugh - there is no winning.

Here is to hoping I see a heartbeat and then things get easier from there..............

Here is a picture of my precious little boy. I will miss and love you forever.