september first - already?

There is this really nice girl at work. She is very talented artistically and can make science murals (oh yes they can be done) on a whiteboard with dry erase markers. she made this elaborate card for another coworker recently. You know, one of those people that just easily becomes your friends.

She made a card for someone's birthday tomorrow and was pushing me to sign it in case I was out tomorrow from working all night (which I won't be - boo!). September first. Suddenly I was crushed. My face tensed up in that odd expression you make when you realize "Ohmygodmybabydied". All at once. Sudden. Ugly. September 1st was my due date with Vincent. I got caught off guard. Last year writing 9/1 was horrible. I thought of the way life was supposed to be. We would have had our little boy and I would still be out on leave. An order was circled on our dry erase board talking about some supplies we weren't going to get until October. In early April I made the comment, " I will be a fucking mm before we get all those tubes in kim". Suddenly it is July and I am sitting there at work - looking at this circled message still. Only I wasn't pregnant anymore. My baby was gone.

So tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of his due date. It caught me off guard. I am sure it didn't help that I didn't get to see Lou all day because when I get home from my on-call, he was already fast asleep :(

Back to the story is - I don't want to sign the card (as thoughtful and sweet as it is). I am suppose to be throwing a first birthday.

But I'll play nice. I'll sign it tomorrow... and smile through the cake. Maybe it may be an extra klonopin time of day.

Lou

It's been a long day mummy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all started when I really didn't want to wake up this morning.

No mummy - sleeping - don't want to get up.



I like car rides mummy

Lion!! We are going to the train to bring mummy to work!!

What do you mean mummy is LEAVING! hurry home mummy!

daddy distracts me good - yeah play time!

Daddy makes me smile :)

More playtime!

daddy and me watch cartoons - I am SUPERBABY!!!

time to go save mummy from work! I'm coming mummy!

Ah , mummy home

Let's play mummy!

bathtime!

I love being all clean and cozy!

More play time mummy...

Ah, can't fight sleep anymore

night mummy - we'll do this again tomorrow :)

Vincent

My sweet baby boy Vincent,

It has been too long since mommy has wrote to you. There are too many excuses. My computer is sitting next to me dead - I am using daddy's. Why don't I just fix my computer? Well... that computer was with me when I was researching what you were developing into when you were on the inside. I spent hours on the September expecting clubs talking with other mommies so happy to be pregnant with out September Acorns. There is even other acorn named Vincent - you September babies were going to rock. Then I started to become suspicious of my blood pressure - you know your mommy is a scientist- and I researched preeclampsia. Then I was scared you would be born premature and I wouldn;t have enough vacation time. How awful that thought seems now. Then I found the pre-eclampsia forums. Then I lost you. Those nights in the hospital I stayed up all night reading on the Preeclampsia Foundation. I spent hours reading other mommy's blogs of loss. That computer was with me when I had you safe inside of me, when we knew you were slipping away I reached out for support on that computer, when you left us I watched your picture slideshow for hours everyday. I know it is silly- but I need that computer again. The one I have happy memories about being pregnant with my son, Then after you were gone, that computer helped me through the weeks and weeks I spent on bedrest with your brother. So since I don't have that computer right now... I'll use none.

I miss you baby. I was singing your brother lullibies last night and I started to sing Let it Be. Then it suddenly hit me how I sang that in my head every single time I was getting my blood pressure taken or worried about you for the 6 weeks before we lost you. I found comfort in the words but you know, I never really thought we wouldn't all be o.k. I thought it would be tough and hard but we would get through it and survive. This? Let this be? yeah fuck you beatles.

I love you brother so very much - but guess what - he didn't fix everything. That was never his job. I never expected him to but I don't think I expected him to make it hurt worse. Now I know more than ever what I lost. My insides twist a bit when people tell me Lou looks like me. Vincent you looked like your daddy. What would you look like now? Would you have hair? would you be as lean and lanky as your brother? Would you squeeze me like your brother does during hugs - he is the best hugger - would you be the best little laugher?

I miss you baby. I miss the person I was before I lost you. I was broken. You showed me what utter desperation felt like. When all you want is the one thing that is gone. I remember being released from the hospital and crying right my eye opened every morning because I couldn't face another day of life with you gone. You also showed me true love. You showed me just how capable I was to love a child. How strong I was. How your daddy and I could handle anything.

I just miss you baby. I mean - a doctor asked to see one of Lou's pictures the other day - but the only pictures in my wallet were yours. I don't need one of Lou - he has pictures all over my desk and his smiling face is there whenever I need a cuddle. All I have of you are those pictures.

Mommy is doing o.k.. though. My favorite part of everyday is sneaking into Lou;s room while he is playing in the morning before he knows we are up. I just watch him play and then when he sees me and gives me his smile I melt. I love him so much. He has given me back a lot of what lsoing you took away. Although I was so hurt to lose you - I am so happy I had my time with you.

I love him more than anything... but I love you just as much. I miss you baby. daddy misses you. I wish you could get to know your brother - he really is quite amazing. I wish you were here. I wish we were a family of four. I wish you daddy and I could ever feel 100% whole again. I wish people understood it is still o.k. to miss you and love your brother - I mean you are two different people - I can love you both. I wish people never notice when I need to take a breath and not break when I hear something that reminds me of you. I wish I could ban the green day song "wake me uo when september ends" from the lab - you'd think the random crying during it would be enough - yet it is not. I wish life just didn't suck ass some times.

I miss you little boy and I love you.