The boys Christmas

Wow were the holidays a whirlwind this year! This Christmas was special in that it was the first with Lou, and also somber in the fact that this was the second Christmas without Vincent. It was a happy time, but not everything it should have been. I am assuming this is how life will be from now on. A sense of something missing will be the norm.

On to Vincent's ornaments this year!

He received this lovely ornament from Holly's giveaway at her blog Momentum. It is beautiful and will be hanging from my bedroom window :)

This picture doesn't do the piece justice- it is so beautiful (plus she sent it in a wonderful little nag for safe keeping!).

I also participated in a gift exchange from Faces of Lost.

Vincent received this lovely ornament

and a framed copy of Tiny Footprints with his name and birthday on it - it is such an honor to think someone made something so special for Vincent!

Next Christmas I am going to buy Vincent a new urn. I hate the white angel one we received from the funeral home - it was the only baby urn and I didn't feel like struggling to find one I liked at that time when I was sure I would like nothing. Next year though - he will get a new urn.

For Lou's first Christmas he received a bunch of Baby's first Christmas ornaments:

and we know he definitely loves presents:

This is him opening up his Christmas presents on Christmas Eve - a Baby's 1st Christmas sleeper that was way too short for him at 9 months - one individual shirts & pants & onsies are fine in 9 months - but sleepers and one pieces need to be 12 months.

Christmas was videotaped until we gave up and started playing too much - however my video camera doesn't want to cooperate with the macbook so I need to harass the hubby for it.

All in all, it was a fantastic day. Exhausting. Mentally and physically. We slept for days after. I am on-call tonight and really hoping not to work .qw2

Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas.

Goals Revisited

In this post I wrote 9 days before Lou was born, I mentioned some goals that I really really really wanted to try my best at. I figured now is the time to own up to how I have been doing with them! Now, let's keep in mind, when I wrote these goals - it as pre-baby time. I naively imagined tons of free time and a life of sunshine and lollipops while skipping along cloud nine. Being a "take home" mom has been amazing - I have loved and treasured every second of it.... every exhausting, sore, can I just please have a few more hours of sleep minute :)

So I smile at the sunshine - and love the lollipops- but I am too tired for the skipping!

Here goes!

1) Cook a delicious dinner one night a week.

Alright this one has been a fail. I have made honest efforts here and there- but I haven't succeeded in the whole one night a week thing.

What I did do: perfected stuffed mushrooms. These will be a staple in the household for years to come. I had never made them before but after tweaking the recipe a few times - I have a hit!!! Serve with some spaghetti and salad and delish!

I also had a failed attempt at chicken curry (came out AWFUL), fine tuned my stuffed chicken and nailed a vegetarian black beans & rice dish. So this goal is still a work in progress. Christmas morning I am going to attempt a French Toast Casserole. An amazing girl I work with made one for our Christmas party and I will admit, I was horribly sceptical - but it was awesome! Perhaps it will become a Christmas tradition here??? Well see....

However, I did start making the baby's food myself - and now he is almost 9 months old and I am still straining all his peas and chopping his squash. His favorites are: bananas, squashy bananas, squapples (acorn squash baked with apples) and peas. His dislikes: CARROTS and grean beans.

Grade so far: C (but the baby food is bumping it up to an A-)

( I Love My Squash Mommy- I am a Big Boy and can do it all by myself... and if you try to help me I will scream bloody murder)

2) Read little boy classic books

Eh, another fail. Well, I did decide we would still read him classics, but when he is a bit older. Right now I Love You Stinkyface is his favorite - and I love reading it to him. Grade so far: Incomplete

3) Work on Grant's back.

This we have actually done well on! He still has most of the weight to lose - but he is so much more active and uses stairs instead of abusing his back. He is not getting any table food - except what Lou drops of course - and he is on par to have a healthy back. Grade so far: B

4) My health.

This has been a giant success!!! Woo hoo!!! I am off all blood pressure meds, do not have diabetes (that was one scary test to take), have amazing cholesterol. My weight loss goal of 75 pounds, how am I doing with that? I have lost 40 - 50 pounds :) I say 40, even though it has been 50 because the last 10 have not been lost in a healthy manner so I expect them to come raging back on. I have working a lot of on call shifts and honestly don't eat much some days. I would rather crawl in bed. I did promise my doctor I would make a point to eat more while on call and the days around it. If I want to lose the last 35 pounds, it needs to be in a healthy manner or else it will never work. Grade so far: A

Lastly,

The one goal that is the most important and will need to be worked on every day is finding a new balance in life as a family.

This has been the hardest. I am no where near having this balance down. I work too much and sometimes miss seeing Lou for 36 hours :( It doesn't happen often, but when it does it really hurts my feelings. On the other hand, we need to money desparately - so I guess I am prioritizig. When my baby isn't with me - he is with my mom or his dad. he knows love from many people :)

I am not even going to grade myself on this one - it will remain a work in progress - probably for the rest of my life!

(4 Generations!- Lou, Mommy Great Grampy and Nana)

Brother Bears

A picture worth 1000 words. Brothers. These ornaments hang side by side on the tree.

Vincent's ornament came from last years 25 Days of Giveaways - I won the giveaway hosted by Jessica, mom to Little One, Jonathan and Clover (aka Joshua!), at her blog What the Future Holds. There were so many beautiful ornaments, but the teddy bear was it for me as soon as I saw it! I didn't want an angel ornament, or a baby's 1st Christmas in Heaven or any other first christmas ornaments. Let's be honest, it was less about Vincent's first christmas as it was about our first Christmas without him. This teddy bear was perfect because I can look at it and smile.

We didn't have a tree last year. We didn't celebrate at all. I was 23 weeks pregnant and already on bedrest - Christmas was just a scary time last year. This year we went and picked out a tree on the one, yes ONLY one, day off both the hubby and I had together. The first ornament we hung was Vincent's. Later on that night I ordered one for Lou. Now we have the two teddy bears side by side for our two boys. I won another ornament this year from Holly in her giveaway at her blog Momentum. I haven't opened it yet - I am going to wait for Christmas Eve - but I am so excited.

I think Vincent is telling us he wants an ornament every year! Can you believe I have had some people say it is not fair to Lou to have Vincent's ornaments on the tree? It's like I am "idolizing" him. Seriously? Whatever. I just still love and miss him, that's all. Having Lou didn't erase Vincent's death.

They are by far the most treasured ornaments on my tree.

Winner!

I am so excited to *meet* so many new people yesterday - I definitely have a few blogs I need to check out! Oh, and Holly, yes the ornament came in the mail yesterday :) The hubby and I are going to wait until Christmas Eve and open it - we are both excited - it feels kind of like having a present to open from Vincent - you know? Or does that just sound crazy?

First of all, I want to apologize that my facebook picture may have been hard for some to look at - I hope I didn't upset anyone.

Now on to the winner!!!

It is Cullen's Mom over from Cullen's Blessing.

E-mail me your contact info and I will forward it to Stephey - she has an ornament packed and ready to go. Anyone who is interetsed - here again is the link to her blog, marked by the muse, where you can also purchase these ornaments among over nifty things!

Giveaway Day!

My turn, my turn!

This holiday season has been very hard to enter into. This is the second holiday without Vincent. The first Christmas with Louis. I am having a hard time balancing the joy of one with the sorrow of another. It just hasn't really felt like Christmas - you know? I am trying to get in the holiday spirit and listen to Christmas music on all my 24 hour shifts (just how many times do you think you hear Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas over a 12 hour period)? Let me tell you, it's alot.

So I have been searching a lot for things to make me feel special this holiday season. To try and have a peaceful season, but also acknowledge our losses. The hubby and I feel Christmas ornaments are special. We have collected a few ornaments each year of our marriage. My dad flat out told me my mom thinks my sparsely populated tree is pathetic - ohhh well, they all have meaning to us. In my relentless internet searching for Vincent this year- I stumbled across this:

http://www.etsy.com/listing/62906845/handmade-gold-butterfly-holiday

I found it to be so beautiful - and the butterfly so symbolic. I then stumbled across this about the artist behind the ornament:

Stephey Baker is a licensed spiritual counselor, creative consultant and artist. She supports the whole you instead of compartmentalizing you into various boxes - boxes labeled business or personal - it's all LIFE! Stephey believes, ”We are all artists practicing the art of living. We are all creating our masterpieces called life. We create the experiences we want and we create the responses to the experiences we don’t want.” Stephey's Marked by the Muse creative living blog and one-on-one sessions teach other creatives how to get the "stuck-out" of their creative blocks and create the life they desire - By employing the creative process in navigating the highs and lows in life – anything is possible! Join her on twitter @stepheybaker.

I thought this was pretty nifty - I do need to just open myself up. Badly. It affects my relationships so poorly. I contacted Stephey and she is actually going to donate one of these beautiful ornaments - yippee! Just leave a comment below to enter - random.org will be picking a winner in the early morning hours of Friday.

So how is everyone else holding up this holiday season?

Happiness

I think I may have mentioned before that I have a half-brother who is 6 months younger than me. We met at the age of 7 - but my dad was a part of his life before then - they just waited to introduce us kids. We hated each other that day. We went to Chuck E. Cheese and got into a hair pulling fist fight in the ball pit. Then we both cried that we didn't want to be related.

Over the years we became friends. He used to come over my house and wait for the bus in the morning and hang out and wait for his mom after school. So we always spent a few hours a day hanging out. In the summer, Kenny came over all the time. Everyday. We hang out constantly. Then we became teenagers - and I got him his first job working with me. He lived with us for a while. We would go hang out ALL the time.

Then a few years later he had some shit happen. Je took a break from the family. That was 8 years ago. Tonight I talked to him for the first time in EIGHT years. He has a son who is 5 months old. He wants our kids to grow up together - like we did. It was a wonderful, honest, comfortable 1.5 hours of conversation. I have so much hope. I have always dreamed of having a close family relationship like this. My brothers now are too young for this type of relationship.

I am happy now. I hope we can really be a major part of each others lives. It's about time something worked out for the better for once - yippee!

Why didn't I try shutterfly before now

I had heard of it - of course - but never really used it for anything. So after reading about a promotion they are doing giving bloggers free Christmas Cards I went and signed up! I am floored by how easy it was to fall in love with a Christmas Card. Meet Chocolate Lime Snowflake.

I love how simple the design is - but the pairing of the chocolate with the lime borders keeps it from being boring.

Here are the photos I want on the cover:

( I just love how cute he looks in his Christmas thermals with his little teethies!)

On the inside of the card I just want a simple message- no more pictures. I adore the lime snowflakes lining the bottom of the inside of the card - maybe because I have always been partial to the color combination (which is quite likely the reason I picked this card out!).

My next project I will be tackling is a one year photo book - I wanted to do a custom photo bock - but it really seems like the prompts in Baby's 1st Year will help me make a perfect present for the grandparents )and me!)

Then I am thinking of this Thank You card - isn't it precious :)

One thing I really did learn was I need to get a better camera! If I am going to be making all these photo projects - maybe Santa will bring me one next year!

Click here to learn more about how to get your 50 free Cards by blogging! Then head over here to start designing your cards! You'll have a ball - I know I did!

25 Days of GiveAways

Click this picture to take you to Tina's Site for the 25 Days of GiveAways! I will be hosting a day myself, December 16th. I know people may wonder 'well, you do not have the talent of the women who make things for their giveaways - and it is apparent you do not have the money - so how are you doing a giveaway?'

Well - I have something in the works and you won't want to miss it :)

Check out all the giveaways this year - I found many BLM friends through the blogs last year!

Happy Holidays