Hmmmm... scared or prepared?

So over this weekend, things have started to approach shit-tastic. Maybe...or maybe it is just me reading too much into things.

My BPs have jumped with the diastolics ranging from 90-98....not good. Plus my swelling is worse - my ankles now have pitting edema as well as my shins. My shins have had pitting edema for over 15 weeks now - but the ankle pitting is new. Then today I took a nap and my face was swollen when I woke up. My eyelids feel heavy and dry - could be from swelling, or allergies which I have a lot of too.

I have to pee a lot still, but less than usual, and when I do pee I have bubbles (this can be a sign of protein - or not). I have nausea and heartburn off and on. I have a mild headache that kind of goes away for tylenol - but comes back later. But, the pain is only a 2-3.

Basically, all of these things can be a sign of pre-eclampsia making it's return. Or it can be a sign of normal pregnancy issues. What do I feel in my gut? I feel pre-e is striking again. Of course, this is probably due to the fact that this whole pregnancy has had the PE shadow lurking over it. I'm scared that I have been nesting hard core lately - so many women have told me this is a sign baby is coming soon - I figured it was a normal sign of entering the 3rd T. Again, this could all be normal or it could be things starting to fall apart.

Before anyone freaks on me - I did get in touch with the on-call doctor yesterday. She was happy with me going from modified bed rest to strict bed rest and watching my pressures like a hawk. Proceed to labor and delivery if :

a) pressures go 150/95 (either or)

b) I feel worse

c) baby stops moving

d) I get any new symptoms

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. The on-call doctor was cool with me staying home and chilling until that appointment as long as I continue monitoring myself - she was surprised with how thorough my knowledge was with lab values, when my last labs were drawn, what symptoms were worrisome. So I bought myself until tomorrow.

Now, why did I want to wait until tomorrow? Well, when you go to L & D they lay you down on your side and your pressures are lower. The do take blood work and make sure everything else is kosher - but if your BP is low laying on your side - you are going home unless your bloodwork is pretty bad - and staying on bed rest until your next Dr.'s appt. Well, I don't lay on my side all day, so the BP they get means nothing to me and I am just skipping the step of going in.

**** Full disclaimer**** If I really needed to go in, I would no question, so please know I am walking that line between cautious and overkill and not really bordering on negligence.

When I go to my Dr. tomorrow, my BP will be taken the proper way. The number will be similar to what I get at home. We will see if I have increased protein in my urine and look at my blood work labs. Then we will make decisions from there.

Now this is my question. Is it overkill to bring a hospital bag with me tomorrow in case I need to stay for a few days? I don't think I will have to stay, but I want to be prepared if I do. I'd like to have my own clothes and toiletries. My computer and a book.

I don't want to be alarmist and freak my hubby out by bringing a bag - but I would rather be prepared. I just wonder if it is unnecessary. I think I am jaded by my last experience when I was sent to L&D and then stayed in the hospital for over a week and left without my son.

O.K. I think I will pack a bag and keep it in the trunk. If I need to stay, the hubby can go get it. Send me some stay away PE vibes please. I'll let you all know how Sprout is doing tomorrow. Hopefully we will be home sipping cocoa (sugar-free obviously!) typing an update while watching some cheesy TV.

Baby Things, Nesting and Scares

Well, the nesting urge has appeared. Which, by the way, totally sucks when you are on modified bed rest (aka - you can still make your own food and go to the bathroom - basic necessities you know - but don't do anything else). So this urge really kicked up over this weekend when the hubby and I had to start planning how to remodel the attic into a bedroom for us and our bedroom into a nursery (because we simply can't take away the dogs bedroom and make that a nursery - that would be too practical!).

Our house has a weird layout. We have a finished basement with a big nice room down there - but the rabbits are getting that room. Personally, the rabbits bother my allergies and asthma so I would rather evict them, but the hubby says we must stay responsible and take care of them. Fine - I agree, they can be cute. So they have the basement room for the next ~ 5 years (aka - until they die).

The main floor has a living room, dining room, kitchen and bathroom obviously, with 2 bedrooms. One is ours being transitioned into the nursery - the other is the dogs room. Granted, we did buy this house from my hubby's brothers when his father died ( and no, they did NOT give us a good deal on it) and his dad died in that room - so he wants it to just be the dogs room. We were going to use it for a bedroom once - but he just isn't comfortable with the fact it used to be his parent's bedroom. You would think I would have a problem with this since it is the bigger bedroom , but I agree, the other room feels so much more friendly.

The attic is also finished and has a bedroom and a living room type area. Unfortunately, due to years of neglect before and after we purchased the house, we need to redo the entire thing :/ The rug needs to come out and we are laying new flooring. The walls are crappy peely paneling and we are knocking them down and replacing with whatever the hell that stuff you put up that makes real walls that you can paint is called. It will be nice. Plus we can do it all for under $1000. Budget is key since we also need a new boxspring for the bed since we will need a split boxspring to get it up the stairs - hopefully we won't need a new matress as well.

Then our refrigerator decided it wants out. After many many years, I am giving up the battle to regulate it's wild temperature flucuations. I am done using lab tape to keep the door from popping open. It just doesn't seem responsible to feed a baby from a fridge that I do not know is properly storing breastmilk/ formula (if we need it). So I found a great fridge for under $1000.

Now the reason I say budgeting is key here is multifold.

1) I have been without my income for 2 months now

2) I will still be without my income for another 3 months

3) I will have to shell out ~ $5000 for COBRA coverage to stay insured

4) my job goes unprotected - oh on MONDAY!!! - I am fairly certain they will not fire me or will rehire me ASAP when I am ready to come back - but gosh - who wants to think of that crap!

5) we are draining the savings so that it will be gone in 2 months from monthly expenses - ouch. The hubby works 2 jobs - but I really make a very decent amount of money when I am working - so of course not being paid for 5 months is fucking awful!

O.K. so I really do not mean to ramble about money. I know everyone has hard times. I just know I need to spend the money I have allocated here because we just need to. We need a room for us to live in, we need the new refrigerator and we need to pay for COBRA. Overall, I am doing very good about not worrying about money (which is huge if you know me!). The hubby and I agreed there is no better reason to go into debt than to have our baby.

So I am also really lucky - my parents are buying us all the baby things :) This helps tremendously!!! Especially since no babies have been born in my family recently (except a little girl a few months old- she needs her baby things!) so no hand-me-downs are available.

Anyways, we waited so long to start doing anything for this baby. I mean, you really want to know it is going to come home with you before the renovations begin. Well, I figure I have to chance setting stuff up now - I mean baby needs to come home to something! So in the past few days I have located the new flooring for the attic, picked paint colors for the walls and picked out the new fridge. Now I just need the hubby to create more time in the week so he can get it all done ( the poor guy!).

Then on the baby side of things I have found 2 awesome consignment stores near me, found amazing deals for baby furniture, contacted the g...Diaper people in a quest to figure out how worth it they really are and made list after list of things needed for hospital bag/ for what baby will really need right away vs. what baby will really need in a few months.

Last night the hubby and I took a short trip to get my gestational diabetes supplies and stopped off to check out the flooring we are going to get. I am so happy to find something O.K. quality for cheap. I mean, it isn't wood flooring like the rest of the house, but laminate with rugs over it will do just fine for a few years until we can afford an upgrade.

Then we bought baby his first onesie :) I love it!!! Hubby picked it out and I delaying putting it back on the rack when he asked if we should just go ahead and buy it for him :) So cute! It's size is 3-months - but hey - he is supposed to be big!

We bought him his first book - about a dachshund of course!

He has his first stuffed animal from Vincent's memorial service at the hospital. They gave siblings a stuffed animal from their angel siblings. I was 16 weeks pregnant with Sprout at the ceremony so he got this teddy bear from Vincent.

Then I splurged today. I was looking for travel systems for baby. Travel systems seem like the way to go for us at first. I mean, first off, you need an infant carseat and this is one. Plus the carseat is so portable. The carriage was harder to decide on, because of course the hubby wants a nice all-terrain jogging stroller. I got him to agree baby wouldn't need that nice of a stroller until NEXT spring. I mean he won't even be 6 months old until Fall! With Winters in New England, kiddo won't really be able to enjoy the outdoors until he is 1. So the travel system carriage is perfect for us . I was trying to find a pattern I liked on-line. They retail for $259. I saw this "older" model one on clearance and picked it up for a grand total of ~ $160!!! Too good to not snatch up right away!

So after I purchased that this morning, I went and started organizing my closet. I know, I know stupid me. But I hadn't put away my laundry in sooo long. I spent about 30 minutes putting stuff away and then decided to take a nap. As I was drifting off to sleep I felt so good I was contemplating being cleared to go back to work. I mean I have so much energy for baby related things the past few days. I fell into a nice deep sleep thinking the third trimester was going to be wonderful with so much energy and life going back to normal!

Then I woke up after having a dream I was bleeding. Got up - peed - and yep, very teeny tiny small amount of dark red blood. I called the dr.'s and they told me to lie down on my side, make sure baby was active and keep an eye on it. If baby wasn't active to go right to L&D, go to L&D if bleeding occurred again or if I started contracting. I lied down, and thankfully baby boy was very active! He made me feel so much better! Off and on tonight I have had some tightenings. So I think I am having some contractions - probably Braxton Hicks though because they are not regular at all. Not painful, but tight. They have been mostly off with only a few periods of tightenings.

I have my final fetal echo tomorrow!!! Then we can conclusively (hopefully) rule out congenital heart block! What a relief that will be!

I'm going to see how I am feeling. I may call the Dr office tomorrow and go in just to get checked out since I will be right near them for the echo. I just think they will send me to L&D for evaluation and I hate to have false alarms (although they are obviously preferred to real alarms!). Obviously if I have anymore bleeding I will head right in. I just have no idea whether everything is normal or not.

Just when things were feeling so good - the scares come again. I am staying positive though.

treats

The dog just published a blank post- whoops! Him and his pointy nose!!!

So here are the treats I have found that keep my blood sugar below 140 an hour after eating them. Maybe someone else can enjoy some!

* 3 dark chocolate H.ersheys kisses

* sweet potato with butter

* B.obili wheat pizza crust- I made a sausage pizza on one of these and could eat 1/3 of it and got a bs under 110 an hour later!

* T.homas Samrt Start multi-grain english muffins - nice to pair with the egg whites you will live off of - or top with some mozzarella and seasoning for a garlic cheese bread.

* S.wiss M.iss sugar free hot chocolate - so good and only 10 grams of carbs

* F.iber O.ne makes AWESOME frozen Banana Nut chocolate chip muffins that do nothing to my bs. They are 30 grams of carbs - so I usually pair it with some lean protein, salad and cauliflower and eat the muffin as dessert. DELICIOUS

* 2 e.ggo nutra.grain waffles with small dallop of whipped cream and 1/2 cup strawberries. This is so yummy you swear it must be bad.

I know we all react differently to the same foods - but maybe some of this will be useful to someone!

This is one of my favorite songs. I know it is not the original version, but it is my favorite version. I heard this song on a O.ne T.ree H.ill rerun shortly after giving birth to Vincent. I just fell in love with it. Today it hit me differently though.

I was listening to it on my way back from the gestational diabetes doctor today. Since I love this song I turned the radio up full blast - then cried. Cried - wtf?!? - I love this song why cry - well I actually related more to the lyrics today and was surprised this was the first time. I do still ove the song though.

"Heartbeats"

[The Knife cover]

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away

Both under influence
We had divine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief***

Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough

And you, you knew the hands of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

I relate all of those lyric to delivery now. The one night to be confused when everything was happening so fast and we were unsure with the reality we would be left with. Obviously the one that rings the most is One night to push and scream and then relief.

Only when you are a member of our world - the world were babies did not get to come home with mom and everyone didn't live happily ever after - the relief does not come. You have that one night of pushing and screaming- although the screams are different. The pain isn't so much the reason for the scream - the anguish is. Relief does not come in the form of holding your new baby. Truthfully, relief just doesn't come. Relief is ages away. When others get relief from their physical pain - we are just starting along the road of our horrid emotional pain. It's a beautiful lyric. It makes me miss what should have been. If only life were as simple as it should have been.

Here's a video. I really like the bouncing balls video for this song. Something about the video and all the children lost - it just fits. This is still one of my favorite songs - even with all this emotional shit it hit me with today :)

99 Things

I stole this from Lisa :) - it looks too fun to pass up

***Here are the rules: Bold the things you’ve done and post on your blog!

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightening storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Beautiful Blogger Awatd

Many thanks to Susan for passing this award along to me. It has been a few weeks now - but I haven't had much to say... o.k. o.k. I have been wallowing in the gestational diabetes fact, researching and angrily looking at carbs. Tonight's google search has been how to make insulin injections hurt less- yes, I need to start on 12 unit of insulin tonight before bed. Thankfully I can control my day time numbers with food. Anyways - here we go!

The rules are simple: just give 7 facts about you and then nominate 7 people for the beautiful blogger award...

1) I am a scientist in and out. I got my BS in Biochemistry in 2003. I was in a PhD program for 1.5 years before making the decision to leave the program and pursue a great job. I had the opportunity to make 4-5 times what I was making, live comfortably with my hubby and dogs and start a family. Things obviously didn't work out the way originally planned - but thankfully I love my position and have no regrets. The scientist in my comes out all the time though... ex: I need to occasionally see my BP go up to make me certain I need bedrest - if it goes a few weeks, I have a busy day then take my BP and go "oh yah, that's right".

2) I am severely allergic to pretty much all animals. I am very allergic to dogs - but thankfully my little dogs have managed not to bother me :)

3) my favorite place on earth is Bar Harbor, Maine and the hubby and I fully plan to be living there full time in 15-20 years (I just need to get my but back on call to pay for it!).

4) I found my favorite food EVER - Sour Jelly Bellys oh my gosh they are awesome. I found them 1 week before being diagnosed with GD. I am eating a bag right after delivery and that will test whether the GD is gone or not!

5) I love shoes. I could spend so much on shoes :) I love heels - 3 inch or higher! Love them! The only shoes I do not like on my feet are peep-toes because I think I have weird looking toes! Handbags too. I am such a typical girl with her shoes and purses :)

6) We celebrate the dachshunds birthdays every year. They get a ground bison cake and some toys hidden in bags they need to find. It may sound silly - but we love them ! and once every few weeks we pick them up toys when we go grocery shopping. You should see how excited they get looking through all the bags and then finding something for them (this only works because they NEVER steal our food!).

7) the day I had Vincent was the best and the worst of my life in one. It was so heart breaking to see him and know he would not be coming home - but at the same time it was amazing to feel so much love for him right away. I loved looking at his hands and toes, his little mouth, everything about him was amazing. I felt the unconditional love for him instantly and have never been the same person.

Let me add a number 8 - I don't follow directions well! I have seen this award floating around for some time - so rather than going through who has received this before and who hasn't - I am going to pass this along to two newbies to learn some more about them!

Passing this along to:

Laura @ My World

Lizy @ Missing Twins Loving Gabe

24 week appointment

Well I had my 24 week + 3 day appointment on Monday. I know 24 weeks is not the magic number everyone who has picture perfect pregnancies thinks it is. Your baby is not suddenly "viable" and "going to be just fine" if you hit 24 weeks. HOWEVER, this is 2 weeks farther than I made it last time so it was a milestone for me. Of course I plan on keeping him in longer, but it is the first milestone as they will actually now try to treat him as well as me.

The appointment started off with an u/s. It is funny that I confessed to the hubby after the u/s that I am still worried every ultrasound we go to. Right when the overhead monitor comes on I check for a heartbeat. Then, they give me a hard copy of the report on my way out. I LOVE that. I don't need to wait until I see the doctor to see how he is measuring, how the blood flow from the placenta is all that good stuff! Of course when it is not good, like last pregnancy, it really sucks to go and hand the report to your doctor yourself- but when things are good it is a great reassurance. Baby boy is huge! Weight guestimate was 1 lb 14 ounces , with the error range was 1 lb 10 ounces - 2 lbs 2 ounces. He is in the 94th percentile. Placenta is working properly right now and is providing proper blood flow to the baby (impaired blood flow can be a HUGE problem in pre-eclampsia). So Yippee!

The doctor did tell me during the appointment I can have another 2 weeks off before coming back in - but he thinks at 26 weeks we will be increasing my medication. My blood pressure is slowly starting to rise along with the amount of protein in my urine - nothing to worry about yet - but something to watch.

For the first time ever, I had to do the gestation diabetes screening. I was actually a little excited I was far enough in my pregnancy to do the horrid test! I warned my hubby I would probably fail the 1 hour and need to do the 3 hour. I figured that out because I have had slightly above normal fasting blood sugar readings a couple times in the past- no where near diabetic level - but I still figured I would need to do the more in depth test. The orange flavored drink was not as bad as I was warned - thank goodness! It did leave a nasty after-taste but at least I wasn't gagging.

We left the hospital and I decided to be bad. We went and got coffee and doughnuts - and I had caffeinated coffee and a very sugary doughnut.... O.K. TWO very sugary doughnuts :) They were delicious. We got home and I crashed from a combined INSANE sugar high from the glucose drink and doughnut combo and the slight caffeine buzz. It was bad! I woke up 2 hours later, actually in a drool puddle, with a pounding headache :/

Then hubby and I went food shopping and when we got home he sent me right back to bed rest. My ankles had tripled in size and he made me look at them and remember them so the next time I ask if I should go back to work he is going to make me remember my giant ankles and legs (pitting edema is loosely associated in pre-eclampsia and was my first major indicator something was wrong last time. I have pretty bad pitting now - if you press lightly against my shins with an index finger it leaves a deep "dent" that lasts for about 10 minutes).

At this time I realized my phone was vibrating and that I missed a phone call from my doctor's office at noon. Noon? - I just left there at 10:20! Turns out I did fail the one hour blood glucose test -and instead of needing the 3-hour for a gestational diabetes diagnosis - my failure was so bad I was diagnosed right then :( Normal readings are a blood glucose level below 140. 140-199 requires the 3- hour glucose tolerance test. Above 200 is diagnostic. Mine was a 208!!!

I met with the gestational diabetes team yesterday - conveniently they are located in the same main office as my MFM. I met with a dr. who told me it is very likely I will need insulin at night to lower my blood sugars when I sleep. I am trying the diet for a week first - and hopefully I will avoid needing insulin before every meal. I'll still need to follow the diet if I need insulin - so I hope I can JUST do the diet to keep things under control. I met with a nurse who showed me how to do the finger sticks and get my blood glucose levels - which I do 4 times a day now. One right when I wake up, and 1 hour after each main meal. Then I met with a dietician who gave me my "carb allotment" for the day. It's not too bad - and of course I will stick to it 100% - but I really didn't need another complication.

Exercise can usually lower blood glucose - but when I am on my feet for too long the swelling comes back. I have been trying to walk around the house and do housework for the 20 minutes after eating meals. It is taking some playing around to figure what I can eat and when - but so far my morning numbers are terrible. Fasting should be <90.>

Because of this I am now adding my complication box a.k.a. Road with Sprout - on my page. There has been so many of them. Now this GD diagnosis makes it so it will take longer for baby to have mature lungs , but he is still likely to be pre-mature due to pre-eclampsia striking again.

Well - we WILL BOTH survive these complications and working this hard for the little boy - we will certainly appreciate him that much more!

I smell like ....

THEM!!!

The joys of bedrest. I realized it Saturday when I was rubbing their bullies that the both kinda smelled like dirt. Kinda earthy. Not gross - but doggyish. Then I was making food and I noticed the smell wasn't going away - because the smell was also coming from me. The dogs think I am one of them, they pile on top of me, they cry on the rare occasions I leave the house.

Yep - I smell like dirt, or more specifically, dirty-dog. I washed the blanket we cuddle on the futon with and took off their collars to give them a bath. I never got to it - and WILL do it today, since after they are washed I am going to wash the futon cover. Then I need to wash the bed stuff because I took my bed blanket to the futon for cuddling until I clean everything - so I have no bed blanket for the past 2 nights and the hubby doesn't share well.

I love how I tried to get so much stuff done and have the doggies nice and clean - and all I accomplished was washing one blanket! Oh well, off to do more cuddling first!

Existing

That is really all I have been doing these days. Just surviving day to day.

I think I am getting kind of depressed and bored from being home all the time. I was going to talk to my doctor about maybe going back to work for a few days a week when I see him Monday, but honestly, I get exhausted when I am out of the house for 5 hours sitting around my Mom's house . I picked her up and went to a dr. appt. then went back over to her house for a bit. I got home so swollen and slept for two days to recoup. I can't handle work at all. I accept that. But I am so very bored. Also, I am not used to not doing anything. I am used to being on-call, working 24 hour shifts, go go go. Now I yawn if I move from the couch for more than 15 minutes. My legs are sore from never moving and then when I move - the get sore from being so swollen I can't lift them! There is no winning. I don't mean to complain - the bed rest is completely worth it - it is just hard in it's own sense.

I have had a lot of people ask me how I feel about the New Year - especially since I hit 24 weeks on New Year's Day. You know what, I am not sure how I feel about 2010 or 2009 for that matter.

2009 was my year of pregnancy - no doubt. I was pregnant every month expect for a break May- July. It was a year of life altering heartbreak. It was a year of preservation. It was a year of happiness, terrible loss, disappointment, anticipation and worry. Definitely emotion charged.

I guess I kind of feel like the year doesn't matter at all. It is all about what happens during that time.

One thing that really changed this year was how I will forever talk to women after this.

I will never again ask someone if they have kids - god knows how difficult that question can be to answer. I will wait until the information presents itself.

I will never ask someone if they prefer a boy or a girl. I seriously had a high risk u/s tech ask me the other day whether I was happy Sprout was a boy or if I wanted a girl. Umm - you deal with high risk right? Well , I just want the baby to survive.

I will never ask someone if they are planning on having children - I don't know what they have been through.

I know how hard the do you have kids, is this your first pregnancy, gender issues are to answer. The stab your heart feels when you need to explain and I HATE the silence that follows after you acknowledge your first child. I can only imagine how much more difficult these questions would be if I had trouble conceiving and no possible chance for children in the future.

This year I am going to work very hard to find myself again. I got lost somewhere in the having a baby obsession. I look forward to having me back to a more normal state this summer - child or no child. Life will go on and I need to find a way to enjoy it .

I hope everyone else has a wonderful 2010 as well!