Existing

That is really all I have been doing these days. Just surviving day to day.

I think I am getting kind of depressed and bored from being home all the time. I was going to talk to my doctor about maybe going back to work for a few days a week when I see him Monday, but honestly, I get exhausted when I am out of the house for 5 hours sitting around my Mom's house . I picked her up and went to a dr. appt. then went back over to her house for a bit. I got home so swollen and slept for two days to recoup. I can't handle work at all. I accept that. But I am so very bored. Also, I am not used to not doing anything. I am used to being on-call, working 24 hour shifts, go go go. Now I yawn if I move from the couch for more than 15 minutes. My legs are sore from never moving and then when I move - the get sore from being so swollen I can't lift them! There is no winning. I don't mean to complain - the bed rest is completely worth it - it is just hard in it's own sense.

I have had a lot of people ask me how I feel about the New Year - especially since I hit 24 weeks on New Year's Day. You know what, I am not sure how I feel about 2010 or 2009 for that matter.

2009 was my year of pregnancy - no doubt. I was pregnant every month expect for a break May- July. It was a year of life altering heartbreak. It was a year of preservation. It was a year of happiness, terrible loss, disappointment, anticipation and worry. Definitely emotion charged.

I guess I kind of feel like the year doesn't matter at all. It is all about what happens during that time.

One thing that really changed this year was how I will forever talk to women after this.

I will never again ask someone if they have kids - god knows how difficult that question can be to answer. I will wait until the information presents itself.

I will never ask someone if they prefer a boy or a girl. I seriously had a high risk u/s tech ask me the other day whether I was happy Sprout was a boy or if I wanted a girl. Umm - you deal with high risk right? Well , I just want the baby to survive.

I will never ask someone if they are planning on having children - I don't know what they have been through.

I know how hard the do you have kids, is this your first pregnancy, gender issues are to answer. The stab your heart feels when you need to explain and I HATE the silence that follows after you acknowledge your first child. I can only imagine how much more difficult these questions would be if I had trouble conceiving and no possible chance for children in the future.

This year I am going to work very hard to find myself again. I got lost somewhere in the having a baby obsession. I look forward to having me back to a more normal state this summer - child or no child. Life will go on and I need to find a way to enjoy it .

I hope everyone else has a wonderful 2010 as well!