This is one of my favorite songs. I know it is not the original version, but it is my favorite version. I heard this song on a O.ne T.ree H.ill rerun shortly after giving birth to Vincent. I just fell in love with it. Today it hit me differently though.

I was listening to it on my way back from the gestational diabetes doctor today. Since I love this song I turned the radio up full blast - then cried. Cried - wtf?!? - I love this song why cry - well I actually related more to the lyrics today and was surprised this was the first time. I do still ove the song though.

"Heartbeats"

[The Knife cover]

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away

Both under influence
We had divine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief***

Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough

And you, you knew the hands of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

I relate all of those lyric to delivery now. The one night to be confused when everything was happening so fast and we were unsure with the reality we would be left with. Obviously the one that rings the most is One night to push and scream and then relief.

Only when you are a member of our world - the world were babies did not get to come home with mom and everyone didn't live happily ever after - the relief does not come. You have that one night of pushing and screaming- although the screams are different. The pain isn't so much the reason for the scream - the anguish is. Relief does not come in the form of holding your new baby. Truthfully, relief just doesn't come. Relief is ages away. When others get relief from their physical pain - we are just starting along the road of our horrid emotional pain. It's a beautiful lyric. It makes me miss what should have been. If only life were as simple as it should have been.

Here's a video. I really like the bouncing balls video for this song. Something about the video and all the children lost - it just fits. This is still one of my favorite songs - even with all this emotional shit it hit me with today :)