So it's been a while...

But I just haven't had too much to say! I know - hard to imagine for those of you who know me, I know I know - but I swear it's true. My psychiatrist asked me today how I have been dealing with the stress of a new pregnancy in this whole "what the fuck can go wrong phase", my response? Well, I sleep... alot.

He laughed and said he probably would too. I love my psychiatrist. He found out I conceived like immediately after my last appointment with him and was so funny about it. He said he knows he is "the man" and "hard to resist" but to try try try not to get to enamored with him. Then said he would not be involved in a paternity test and he knows I am just after his money. Others would find this completely inappropriate - but I love our relationship. I have been seeing him for almost 7 years now - every 3 months - just for my klonopin and never asking for a dose increase or anything his "trouble patients" do. For this reason I believe I will truly be on this drug for the rest of my life- and that is O.K. with me.

He did remind me to try and enjoy this pregnancy for what it is worth. That I will miss not making memories. That made me sad, since me boss said something similar this week. She told me to take lots of pictures. I was like - I do! She goes - well that is good because my sister didn't and now regrets not having pictures of her pregnant with her daughter. Me - oh.... I take pictures of my feet and face to see if they swell. \

I don't mean to give off the impression I am not enjoying this pregnancy. I love the little kicks I feel hear and there and the thought of things going o.k. But yeah... they are right. I think I am ignoring this pregnancy a little bit too much. It's just hard at the scary stage when we don't know what will happen.

I know things will become more exciting in the next few weeks. Mid-November marks all the extra appts I will have. I should get my big u/s sometime mid- November to December. Weekly fetal echos. I am going to see Sprout so much, there won't be the option of pretending nothing is going on!

So the stats everyone loves to ask about:

My BP has remained good (for me) 120s/80s. No dip yet, but I have heard it can take a few more weeks (like around 16-20 weeks) so I am not giving up hope it will happen.

Weight gain was 4 pounds at my last check 2 weeks ago.

I really don't have much of an appetite - weird. I drink lots of hot water with lemon - lots of lemon. See if it can keep these kidneys going!

I do have occasional pitting edema in my calves - just on the shin bone though. I have some t.e.d stockings and put my feet up alot. No real foot swelling, mild ankle swelling after long work days, possibly hand swelling (glove size at work sometimes feels too tight - but I always wore them a bit tight anyway).

I think swelling is better at this point than it was last pregnancy - but I know you can't compare - if only it worked that way.

**********

Saturday the hospital had a memorial service for Infant and Pregnancy loss. It was really nice. Lots of the poems so many of us have found and cried over already during the horrid times. A star ceremony where all the babies names were read out and the families went and put a star on their "sky" (aka- blue felt covered board). There were close to 50 stars when we were done.

Some read letters to their children. Pretty much everyone shed a tear. We got two small stuffed animals when we were leaving (they have them for children at the ceremony to take and at the end they just give away everything). We got a small chameleon for Vincent - and a teddy bear for Sprout. How fitting it would be for Sprout's first stuffed animal to be from Vincent.

I had tried a bit in the past to separate my feelings on Sprout and this pregnancy from my grief over Vincent - but I realized I can't. The journey is hand and hand right now. I focus on good and I focus on sad. Life doesn't compartmentalize as easily as we would like it to!

The Onward Battle

So this week has become my official terrified week. I noticed some deep pitting edema on my calves :( at only 13+3. The Dr. is not really concerned because I haven't seen a BP spike.... nor have I seen a dip though.... plus I do not have any other funky symptoms.

The solution is compression stockings for awhile and hoping that is all. Scary.

I was feeling so hopeful before - but now I am feeling so down. Viability seems just so very far away. But really, I guess it is not too far.

10 + 3 weeks until life saving efforts will be made.

13 + 3 weeks until the third trimester (which would be amazing if I cross that border!).

16 + 3 weeks until 30 weeks - I would love to make it this far and deliver at any point after.

21 + 3 weeks until my ultimate dream gestation of 35 weeks.

I just want the next 10 weeks to go by kinda fast - give me a small semblance of hope.

I may have had pitting at this time with Vincent- I would never have know to check. My ankles were only slightly swollen - and I didn't start paying attention to this stuff until closer to 18 weeks with Vincent when I had elephant feet- so maybe this is nothing new.

With Vincent I was swollen and had HORRID carpal tunnel for a while by this point - Sprout, none yet, but I know you can't really compare one pregnancy to the next.

With Vincent my BP was higher at this point than mine is now (assuming my machine is still reading good) - but I have no clue when a second trimester dip would occur if it does(please please please).

With Vincent at this point - I was filled with joy. with poor Sprout - I wish I could just sleep the next few weeks away.

So I got all the info from work on leaves and whatnot just to prepare for worst case scenerio (plus I like going through a giant HR so my boss never knows how worried I really am).

I am entitled to 7 weeks of additional FMLA this year (job protected)

If I use that before Sprout is born - I am then entitled to 8 weeks MMLA (job protected) If not than the FMLA and MMLA run concurrently and I get 8 weeks total.

Should I exceed this allowance - I am eligible for a Personal Leave of Absence due to medical reasons. This can last 6 months and is NOT job protected (but it would take 1.5 years of mandatory training to replace me - so I am not too worried about that). The problem with this leave is then I would need COBRA for my medical insurance at 1500 a month.

Having all the options known makes me feel better than the unknown. Even if the options themselves are scary - not knowing is worse!

10+3 until first goal...

Second Trimester... again

I had my First Look appt at the MFM Tues, 10/13. It went really well! The u/s was up first. The hubby and I were sitting in the waiting room reminiscing over how much we hate sitting there. That room was fun for us - well - only once last pregnancy. It was at my 6 week u/s with Vincent and we saw the heartbeat. All Vincent's other u/s were done at a different "imaging place". I call it that because they had fancy machines and pretty picture printers - but not the type of place they allow you to go when you are high risk and need the specialists seeing you. The next times we were there with Vincent - I was brought in the back door in a wheel chair. These u/s just got worse and worse.

So far the u/s with Sprout have actually been quite good. But nothing will erase the awful memories that place holds for us - but the dr.'s are the best and we love them - so we sit there and bitch about how much we hate the waiting.

My turn arrived to go in. Guess who was doing the scan? The amazing dr. who delivered Vincent. Actually, she was more than that. She was the dr. watching me while I was in the hospital. She is a MFM fellow- so she is not on her own yet. She is a practiced OB - but she is just doing her 3 year stint in MFM before she can be certified on her own. When she delivered Vincent - she sent everyone but the nurse out of the room and didn't even call the attending in. She wanted it private. She knew it suck and she made it as comfortable as possible. She had tears in her eyes as she delivered.

So now she is learning to do the scans. It was so AMAZING for her to be there. She asked about my BPs and who was watching me and how it was going. Then super bitch attending came in because she was taking too long to get the measurements (I told her after the scan the bitch lady just pushed A HELL OF A LOT harder - bringing tears to my eyes many times - she laughed and thanked me for the tip). I mentioned to said bitch that my Dr. ordered dopplers.

B: nope we don't do them until 24 weeks

me: well he said he may be able to get them done earlier elsewhere

B: Nope not until 24 weeks

me as she was leaving; well gee I guess they make an exception to that rule if your baby is dying.

Now don't get me wrong, I understand some things are protocol. It was the dismissive way she spoke to me, and the dr as well, that made me despise her. So they leave the room. The door is not even shut for 2 minutes when Dr. amazing comes back in with the head of fetal imaging. Immediately I was like - Oh fuck. Sprout's NT measurement must be too large. Nope, he hoped in the chair and said let's try to get some quick unofficial dopplers. He did and it was wonderful! They look normal right now. My MFM complained it would have been better if he could have done an official one but that the dr. is really good about calling him with abnormal results. Plus the doctor told us everything looked great. Dr. awesome guarded the door while he did all this. I looked at her and thanked her profusely.

Then when she handed me the report in the hall - we hugged. She wished me the best of luck and told me to e-mail her at anytime. Her being there to support and help us had to be a sign from Vincent. He was such a hard delivery for her. He effected every person who was in that u/s room in the beginning.

So u/s results:

Sprout still measuring about 5.5 days ahead. Actual 12.6 - measured 13.4.

Dopplers were within normal range

NT measurement of 2.0 (accepted range: 0-2.6)

Later blood work combined with u/s - Downs Syndrome risk of 1:1600

Went to MFM after with my new BP machine and waited and waited and waited. Monday was a holiday around here so the double booked appts :/ Nurse sent my for bloodwork because the phlebotomist was going to close before I saw the Dr. When getting my blood work done - Vincent's song cam eon. It is a song I used to sing to him all the time when I was pregnant. I made his slide show to the song. I have only heard it one time since - on my birthday on the way to dinner. I don't usually read into signs. But I took this as sign Vincent was looking down on me.

Back at MFM I got my baseline protein results: 208. Higher than I would have liked , but could have been worse. Dipped trace at the office and I was really hydrated so that stresses me out a bit. BP 140/88 - I quickly set up my machine to get a comparison and got 143/91. This made my dr. and me happy my machine seems on track. It also made him believe all my other readings from 2 weeks in the 120s/low 80s. We are not going to adjust meds unless I really spike with sustained pressures of over 155/95 or a head into L&D with a one time reading of over 160/100.

I have four weeks off. Then I see him - actually his NP since he will be out of the country- and then the fun starts. The next week I go see another specialist at Children's Hospital to perform Advanced Fetal Echos. I have anti-ro antibodies which can cause congenital heart block in Sprout. This guys - as my hubby put it- is like the ultimate ship in the bottle maker. He does lots of in-utero heart surgeries. I will be having these done weekly in case we see a problem arise - we can try and correct it. Not only does Sprout run the risk of PE - but also congenital heart defects :sigh:

Sprout is very much wanted to make it home. I am optimistic right now - tomorrow who knows. This road is hard. As happy as I get for the future and when I start making mental plans - I knock myself around a bit and remind myself we have a way to go. I'll start the dreaming in 2010 hopefully. If we make it - New Years Day I turn 24 weeks. The magic time they will provide life support. If things are still looking O.K. then - well I'll have a busy few weeks with figuring out how to rearrange the house and how we want to do a baby shower (not having one - if things are looking O.K. is not an option - I need everything - and I don't have the money to buy it).

G\So keep on doing your parasitic wonders little Sprout - we love you and want you to come home. Vincent - please keep watching out for us all.

I am pretty sure the next post is going to be about feeling alone in this pregnancy - but that is a whole other topic and I want to leave on a happy note.

:)

Duality

I have so much to say lately - and yet I find trying to put it all in words is just too tiring. Maybe I am just not a good blogger during the work week. I get home so very exhausted. But really I think it is I am not sure how to begin and what to say.

I am experiencing such an odd mixture of emotions. I am hopeful and optimistic for Sprout, but on the other hand I am grieving Vincent hard right now. I realized the other day I am in my second trimester for the second time in 6 months. That made me stop and think... and cry. Nothing is how it should be. Then.... I start to feel guilty to Sprout for not enjoying this pregnancy more. Vincent is on my mind so much lately , but how can I blog about just him without not doing justice to Sprout. I know it is ridiculous to feel this way - but in these time it seems easier to not say anything at all.

Vincent's memorial service is coming up in just over a week. It is a hospital sponsored event. I am wearing a bulky sweater to it that way I am not "flaunting" my pregnancy at people. Not like I would ever flaunt, but I don't want the sight of me to upset someone farther. we are all going to be there to grieve our lost children. I don't want to upset anyone by being pregnant so that is my solution - to look frumpy :)

Hmmm.what else, what else. Well, I got a new phone and let me say, I am tech savvy - but this phone has so many damn buttons. I have only successfully answered a call 2/5 times. The other times I hit a wrong button and got options ranging from muting the call to replying with text to sending to voicemail - and I thought I was hitting the same button every time!. Maybe I really should flip through the manually. But it is pretty and red :)

I had Sprout's First Look appt on Tues - first look -yeah right - try look 5 ! I am going to get a good night sleep and blog about that tomorrow. There were actually a few signs from Vincent and I don't usually see signs. It was a good day... then today I saw a beautiful baby boy and got so heart broken for Vincent.

Oh and another thing that annoyed me. I was on the train yesterday when my train car got filled with young (teen) moms and their babies. Wow - I thought it was really great to have a support system in place for these girls. Then I heard something said that pissed me off so bad a few times. Most of the babies/toddlers were boys. There was one adorable little girl directly across from me - about 3 ish- on her mom's lap. One of the toddler boys accidently got bumped on his head and cried - the girl next to me goes " STOP IT - waa waa - are you a little girl, stop acting like a girl". This boy was told to quit acting like a girl many times. The little girl sat silent - as did her mom. What kind of message does that send your daughter? Being a girl is something to be ashamed off? It was disgusting to hear really. It's like these girls forgot they were girls themselves! Respect the girls - they are not second class. Geez.

So as you can see- when I am on hour 20 of being awake - I am not very coherent. Sorry, I will fix that for tomorrows post.

To all my fellow moms whose children are not with us - I thought of all of our children yesterday when I lit my candle. They can never be forgotten with how remembered they are by all of us. I am so sorry to not have vincent with me ... and sorry you do not have your babies with you.... but I am happy I have gotten to know so many of you - and know the moms of the children keeping Vincent company as they watch down on us.

We miss you guys!

Today is(was by this time) Belle's 1 year anniversary with us. Here is a short but sweet slideshow of our Little Baby Belle

(also my first time making a video which I feel like will lead to many, many more)!

Umm.. no I am not procrastinating going to bed due to nerve about my MFM appt in 10 hours - nope not me ;p

ANGRY

That is my mood today. Hurt would also cover it - but I think angry handles it all so much better.

I am so hurt by family members who think I should be over Vincent's loss right now. I mean - it's not like he ever took a breath, he never cried, so what's to miss right? He was with me for almost 23 weeks. The hubby and I planned on him being an only child after what hell the pregnancy was - but we never thought he wouldn't come home with us. Born 1 week too early for life support. A matter of a few days that had the potential to change everything.

I don't know what would make someone assume we will ever be "over" our loss. Do I cry every day - not anymore. Do I cry once a week - nope not even that much anymore. More or less, I cry every few weeks when something hits me especially hard - like tonight. Most times I think of Vincent manage to be HAPPY thoughts. How cute he was and how much I fell in love at first sight. How seeing him made me realize the immense power of love parents have for their children.

I can't believe I have family members who would rather pretend he never existed. What would it take for him to have existed - maybe lived for a few hours, a few days or a few weeks? Is that their difference - that when he was born he was already dead? Does that mean we didn't have all the pain we did in that week in the hospital? Having to finalize a name for a child we knew we would never see alive. Going through that awkward silence in a delivery room when there is a loss. Everyone is quiet - the nurses and doctors have tears in the eyes- and you hear the time of death announced. Is that feeling something you can push out if your mind and pretend it never happened?

I cannot fathom why some people can tell you you are not handling your grief well and need psychiatric help .... because you are worried about the same thing happening in another pregnancy - which GUESS WHAT - IT CAN. Someone who has talked to me 3 times in over the 5 months since my loss honestly has no fucking idea how I am doing. I do see a psychiatrist - not like that matters- but he thinks I am doing amazing. He realizes I will always be slightly changed. He realizes that as uncomfortable as this makes some people - it really did happen. It wasn't all a bad dream - as much as I wish it was.

Am I moving on ? I don't know how to answer that. I mean I go to work everyday. I laugh with the people I always laughed with. I go out with friends. I ask people about the new additions in their families. I care more about others struggles. I have more compassion. Do I forget Vincent or act as though I haven't been through hell - absolutely not.

What gets me most of all is the difference in compassion people have. Family may quite frankly suck at times - while work has been absolutely wonderful. They talk to me about my labor with Vincent, they ask questions, they have seen the pictures. they waited for me to open the door to talking about Vincent - then when they saw I was ready - they left it open. Yet some family thinks it should be closed shut. Locked. Pushed away and forgotten about. Why? Well because having that open door can make others uncomfortable. Never mind how it makes me feel for everyone to pretend nothing happened - as long as it is my problem and no one suffers a minute of discomfort when my tragedy is mentioned.

I don't think some people realize how damaging this can be, How you will never feel O.K. with them again after being treated like your loss didn't matter - I mean god, aren't you over it yet? It's been almost 6 months! Relationships can be damaged beyond repair - those words can never be taken back.

As angry as I am at the people who would rather pretend Vincent never existed - I have so many other people I am SO SO SO VERY thankful to have in my life. People I thought of as acquaintances jumped into the reigns of closets friends and supporters. Some relationships with family and friends have been strengthened beyond belief. For them, I am so pleased I can count on them to chat idly with and discuss anything. They are amazing.

I understand people do not know what to do or say to someone like me. That is O.K. All I need is someone to listen. Listen sometimes about my pain and about my sadness. listen sometimes about my hopes and fears for tomorrow. Just listen. But DO NOT pretend Vincent never existed. You see I am his mom and I can't just let the world forget about him. I couldn't protect him from death. I couldn't keep him safe inside me long enough. But I CAN make sure people remember the precious little boy who never quite made it home.

Good things - and bad cars

O.K. I really should take that back- I love our cars and the truck, when they are in working order that is.

So first up - the hubby has moved around career wise.

3 weeks ago he had a part-time job that paid kinda shitty but averaged 35 hours a week (when I am on call, which I can't be when pregnant, his money is kinda extra money - so the pay wasn't a problem).

2 weeks ago - he had the above mentioned part-time job with an additional part-time job :)

As of this week he has accepted a full-time job, pay slightly better than current part-time job - but guaranteed 5 hours of overtime a week... plus he can still keep the second new part-time job he got!

So time wise it will be tight for a while - but it will all work out. We are hoping that if Sprout makes it home with us he will be able to switch to part-time - they offer it - so theoretically it shouldn't be a problem.

But the vehicles... oh the vehicles. We have one fantastic little car - it is still fantastic with the exception of sorely needing new tires - knock on wood. The truck needed the E brake fixed. Hubby tackled it and suddenly we need a whole new break job. We live on a giant hill and snow will be coming in November I fear. Basically he needs to get into gear and get the truck fixed.

Now that he has all these jobs - I need to drive to the T in the morning because he isn't around to be my driver anymore. Well, even with the truck spazing out on us - it was going to be O.K. We had the camaro ready to go. Yeahhhhh - tonight it decided it wants a new alternator.

Now I have to get up for another 10 hour day tomorrow in 7 hours and have no idea how the hell I am getting to the train station. The hubby hasn't said the camaro is a no go yet. He is working on it still. Or at least avoiding answering any of my questions on when it can be done.

I swear - one day I am just going to call a tow truck and have the truck brought to the dealership and fixed so it is over and done with. Seriously - my non-mechanic husband is doing a break job. That just doesn't feel right to me. At least his mechanic buddy will help him..... and he is in the auto field so I should give him more credit - I JUST WANT IT DONE ALREADY.

But I must resist yelling about it. He has had a busy and productive few weeks and I am so proud of all his recent successes - let's hope he can add taming the vehicles to the next list :)

Sorry my grammar is appalling - it was another 10 hour day. Only 2 more to go until 4 days off!!! The 3rd day off is little Belle's one year anniversary with us! Hubby will be making her a bison cake :) .... and that 4th day off is our next u/s of Sprout and the wonderful MFM :)

Finally, yes, I am pretty sure I know Sprout's gender - no I am not telling - so stop asking! Another yes to names for both genders... I think the hubby is on board with them both - they seem right. Again, not telling! Lastly, to answer the big question - NO I am pretty sure we are not going to try and see the goods at any of the next dozens of u/s appt. after this upcoming one.

So I really didn't tell you guys much except to stop asking because I am not telling ;p

A Day In the Life

The daily pregnancy pills to try to keep Sprout growing good

Next up : Peak Flow measurements to make sure lung function is good

Then my new fancy BP measurements

And the pretty new notebook

That contains the daily log

But yet I am still smiling and hoping things turn out good :)