ANGRY

That is my mood today. Hurt would also cover it - but I think angry handles it all so much better.

I am so hurt by family members who think I should be over Vincent's loss right now. I mean - it's not like he ever took a breath, he never cried, so what's to miss right? He was with me for almost 23 weeks. The hubby and I planned on him being an only child after what hell the pregnancy was - but we never thought he wouldn't come home with us. Born 1 week too early for life support. A matter of a few days that had the potential to change everything.

I don't know what would make someone assume we will ever be "over" our loss. Do I cry every day - not anymore. Do I cry once a week - nope not even that much anymore. More or less, I cry every few weeks when something hits me especially hard - like tonight. Most times I think of Vincent manage to be HAPPY thoughts. How cute he was and how much I fell in love at first sight. How seeing him made me realize the immense power of love parents have for their children.

I can't believe I have family members who would rather pretend he never existed. What would it take for him to have existed - maybe lived for a few hours, a few days or a few weeks? Is that their difference - that when he was born he was already dead? Does that mean we didn't have all the pain we did in that week in the hospital? Having to finalize a name for a child we knew we would never see alive. Going through that awkward silence in a delivery room when there is a loss. Everyone is quiet - the nurses and doctors have tears in the eyes- and you hear the time of death announced. Is that feeling something you can push out if your mind and pretend it never happened?

I cannot fathom why some people can tell you you are not handling your grief well and need psychiatric help .... because you are worried about the same thing happening in another pregnancy - which GUESS WHAT - IT CAN. Someone who has talked to me 3 times in over the 5 months since my loss honestly has no fucking idea how I am doing. I do see a psychiatrist - not like that matters- but he thinks I am doing amazing. He realizes I will always be slightly changed. He realizes that as uncomfortable as this makes some people - it really did happen. It wasn't all a bad dream - as much as I wish it was.

Am I moving on ? I don't know how to answer that. I mean I go to work everyday. I laugh with the people I always laughed with. I go out with friends. I ask people about the new additions in their families. I care more about others struggles. I have more compassion. Do I forget Vincent or act as though I haven't been through hell - absolutely not.

What gets me most of all is the difference in compassion people have. Family may quite frankly suck at times - while work has been absolutely wonderful. They talk to me about my labor with Vincent, they ask questions, they have seen the pictures. they waited for me to open the door to talking about Vincent - then when they saw I was ready - they left it open. Yet some family thinks it should be closed shut. Locked. Pushed away and forgotten about. Why? Well because having that open door can make others uncomfortable. Never mind how it makes me feel for everyone to pretend nothing happened - as long as it is my problem and no one suffers a minute of discomfort when my tragedy is mentioned.

I don't think some people realize how damaging this can be, How you will never feel O.K. with them again after being treated like your loss didn't matter - I mean god, aren't you over it yet? It's been almost 6 months! Relationships can be damaged beyond repair - those words can never be taken back.

As angry as I am at the people who would rather pretend Vincent never existed - I have so many other people I am SO SO SO VERY thankful to have in my life. People I thought of as acquaintances jumped into the reigns of closets friends and supporters. Some relationships with family and friends have been strengthened beyond belief. For them, I am so pleased I can count on them to chat idly with and discuss anything. They are amazing.

I understand people do not know what to do or say to someone like me. That is O.K. All I need is someone to listen. Listen sometimes about my pain and about my sadness. listen sometimes about my hopes and fears for tomorrow. Just listen. But DO NOT pretend Vincent never existed. You see I am his mom and I can't just let the world forget about him. I couldn't protect him from death. I couldn't keep him safe inside me long enough. But I CAN make sure people remember the precious little boy who never quite made it home.