Duality

I have so much to say lately - and yet I find trying to put it all in words is just too tiring. Maybe I am just not a good blogger during the work week. I get home so very exhausted. But really I think it is I am not sure how to begin and what to say.

I am experiencing such an odd mixture of emotions. I am hopeful and optimistic for Sprout, but on the other hand I am grieving Vincent hard right now. I realized the other day I am in my second trimester for the second time in 6 months. That made me stop and think... and cry. Nothing is how it should be. Then.... I start to feel guilty to Sprout for not enjoying this pregnancy more. Vincent is on my mind so much lately , but how can I blog about just him without not doing justice to Sprout. I know it is ridiculous to feel this way - but in these time it seems easier to not say anything at all.

Vincent's memorial service is coming up in just over a week. It is a hospital sponsored event. I am wearing a bulky sweater to it that way I am not "flaunting" my pregnancy at people. Not like I would ever flaunt, but I don't want the sight of me to upset someone farther. we are all going to be there to grieve our lost children. I don't want to upset anyone by being pregnant so that is my solution - to look frumpy :)

Hmmm.what else, what else. Well, I got a new phone and let me say, I am tech savvy - but this phone has so many damn buttons. I have only successfully answered a call 2/5 times. The other times I hit a wrong button and got options ranging from muting the call to replying with text to sending to voicemail - and I thought I was hitting the same button every time!. Maybe I really should flip through the manually. But it is pretty and red :)

I had Sprout's First Look appt on Tues - first look -yeah right - try look 5 ! I am going to get a good night sleep and blog about that tomorrow. There were actually a few signs from Vincent and I don't usually see signs. It was a good day... then today I saw a beautiful baby boy and got so heart broken for Vincent.

Oh and another thing that annoyed me. I was on the train yesterday when my train car got filled with young (teen) moms and their babies. Wow - I thought it was really great to have a support system in place for these girls. Then I heard something said that pissed me off so bad a few times. Most of the babies/toddlers were boys. There was one adorable little girl directly across from me - about 3 ish- on her mom's lap. One of the toddler boys accidently got bumped on his head and cried - the girl next to me goes " STOP IT - waa waa - are you a little girl, stop acting like a girl". This boy was told to quit acting like a girl many times. The little girl sat silent - as did her mom. What kind of message does that send your daughter? Being a girl is something to be ashamed off? It was disgusting to hear really. It's like these girls forgot they were girls themselves! Respect the girls - they are not second class. Geez.

So as you can see- when I am on hour 20 of being awake - I am not very coherent. Sorry, I will fix that for tomorrows post.

To all my fellow moms whose children are not with us - I thought of all of our children yesterday when I lit my candle. They can never be forgotten with how remembered they are by all of us. I am so sorry to not have vincent with me ... and sorry you do not have your babies with you.... but I am happy I have gotten to know so many of you - and know the moms of the children keeping Vincent company as they watch down on us.

We miss you guys!