My Boys






Saturday, August 29, 2009

We have a Heart Beat!

What a week this been. There was a bleeding scare on Monday followed by a 5.5 week u/s. One thing I didn't know is that 5.5 week u/s are SCARY! There is pretty much no answer as to whether baby is there or not. Gestational sac:  check. Yolk sac: check. Number of fetuses: 0. Huh? The doctor made sure to tell me I was measuring on target so that the lack of seeing a fetal pole wasn't anything to really worry about. Me - not worry- HA!


The OB covering for my doc encourage me to wait until a week later for a u/s. I has one scheduled for Friday - so I told him I was keeping it! He agreed - only with the stipulation that I don't freak out if it is still too early for a heart beat to be detected. Yeah- I'm sure I wouldn't have freaked out :) But I agreed.


Friday, the doctor comes in the room and asks what happened with my past pregnancy. I tell her and she says how sorry she is - then zoomed right in on the little sprout. There was such a strong heart beat! She then showed me the evil subchorionic hematoma. Boo!!! At least it deemed moderate in size and not large - of course I would have preferred no hematoma or a small hematoma - but moderate is better than large! Then she zoomed back to the heart beat to have us watch that again before ending the u/s. 120 bpm. Due: 4/23/10.  Please stick around sprout - or April will be unbearable with Vincent's birthday being 4/29/09.


So now, I am just sitting around doing nothing! Hoping this bleed will reabsorb. Funny how after a loss - pregnancy feel less real. Not to say sprout isn't already loved - but it's almost like that voice in the back of your head tells you this means nothing more than you have a living baby right NOW. It means nothing as to whether you will have a living baby come home. It sounds pessimistic - but it's true. Yes, I have hopes and dreams for this pregnancy. Yes, I hope it turns out differently. But at the same time we should have Vincent home with us now - and it hurts. Positive pregnancy test doesn't equal healthy baby. Seeing a heart beat doesn't mean a happy ending. Entering the second trimester doesn't make you home free. You only get a healthy baby - when that baby is born HEALTHY.  i will enjoy this pregnancy though. I will hope - but it is oh so different from the first time around. 


I came across these poems - and I think they describe how I feel more than words I say will.

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
as I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!
I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.
for no matter what she says ...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
~Author~
Kaye Des'Ormeaux



My Dad is a Survivor

My dad is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.

But, I walk with my dad each day
to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.

I watch him sit up late at night
with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.

My dad is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.

Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.

Now, as I watch over my precious dad
from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love.


"Nobody Knows"
Nobody knows it's empty
This smile that I wear
The real one is left in the past
Because you have left me there.

Nobody knows I'm crying
They won't even see my tears
When they think that I am laughing
I'm still wishing you were here.

Nobody knows I'm lying
When I say I'm moving on
They think that I've accepted it
But I can't believe you're gone.

Nobody knows it's different
They think I'm just the same
But still I weaken at the knees
When someone says your name.

Nobody knows it's painful
They think that I am strong
They say that this won't kill me
But I wonder if they're wrong.

Nobody knows I'm praying
That you will change your mind
They think that I had let you go
When you left me behind.

Nobody knows I miss you
They think I feel set free
But I feel like I'm bound with chains
Trapped in this misery.

Nobody knows I want you
They think that I'm alright
But I'm still dancing with you
When I'm dreaming in the night.

Nobody knows I need you
They say I can do it on my own
But they don't know I'm crying
When I am all alone.
`
-- Author Unknown

No comments:

Post a Comment