Winner!

I am so excited to *meet* so many new people yesterday - I definitely have a few blogs I need to check out! Oh, and Holly, yes the ornament came in the mail yesterday :) The hubby and I are going to wait until Christmas Eve and open it - we are both excited - it feels kind of like having a present to open from Vincent - you know? Or does that just sound crazy?

First of all, I want to apologize that my facebook picture may have been hard for some to look at - I hope I didn't upset anyone.

Now on to the winner!!!

It is Cullen's Mom over from Cullen's Blessing.

E-mail me your contact info and I will forward it to Stephey - she has an ornament packed and ready to go. Anyone who is interetsed - here again is the link to her blog, marked by the muse, where you can also purchase these ornaments among over nifty things!

Giveaway Day!

My turn, my turn!

This holiday season has been very hard to enter into. This is the second holiday without Vincent. The first Christmas with Louis. I am having a hard time balancing the joy of one with the sorrow of another. It just hasn't really felt like Christmas - you know? I am trying to get in the holiday spirit and listen to Christmas music on all my 24 hour shifts (just how many times do you think you hear Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas over a 12 hour period)? Let me tell you, it's alot.

So I have been searching a lot for things to make me feel special this holiday season. To try and have a peaceful season, but also acknowledge our losses. The hubby and I feel Christmas ornaments are special. We have collected a few ornaments each year of our marriage. My dad flat out told me my mom thinks my sparsely populated tree is pathetic - ohhh well, they all have meaning to us. In my relentless internet searching for Vincent this year- I stumbled across this:

http://www.etsy.com/listing/62906845/handmade-gold-butterfly-holiday

I found it to be so beautiful - and the butterfly so symbolic. I then stumbled across this about the artist behind the ornament:

Stephey Baker is a licensed spiritual counselor, creative consultant and artist. She supports the whole you instead of compartmentalizing you into various boxes - boxes labeled business or personal - it's all LIFE! Stephey believes, ”We are all artists practicing the art of living. We are all creating our masterpieces called life. We create the experiences we want and we create the responses to the experiences we don’t want.” Stephey's Marked by the Muse creative living blog and one-on-one sessions teach other creatives how to get the "stuck-out" of their creative blocks and create the life they desire - By employing the creative process in navigating the highs and lows in life – anything is possible! Join her on twitter @stepheybaker.

I thought this was pretty nifty - I do need to just open myself up. Badly. It affects my relationships so poorly. I contacted Stephey and she is actually going to donate one of these beautiful ornaments - yippee! Just leave a comment below to enter - random.org will be picking a winner in the early morning hours of Friday.

So how is everyone else holding up this holiday season?

Happiness

I think I may have mentioned before that I have a half-brother who is 6 months younger than me. We met at the age of 7 - but my dad was a part of his life before then - they just waited to introduce us kids. We hated each other that day. We went to Chuck E. Cheese and got into a hair pulling fist fight in the ball pit. Then we both cried that we didn't want to be related.

Over the years we became friends. He used to come over my house and wait for the bus in the morning and hang out and wait for his mom after school. So we always spent a few hours a day hanging out. In the summer, Kenny came over all the time. Everyday. We hang out constantly. Then we became teenagers - and I got him his first job working with me. He lived with us for a while. We would go hang out ALL the time.

Then a few years later he had some shit happen. Je took a break from the family. That was 8 years ago. Tonight I talked to him for the first time in EIGHT years. He has a son who is 5 months old. He wants our kids to grow up together - like we did. It was a wonderful, honest, comfortable 1.5 hours of conversation. I have so much hope. I have always dreamed of having a close family relationship like this. My brothers now are too young for this type of relationship.

I am happy now. I hope we can really be a major part of each others lives. It's about time something worked out for the better for once - yippee!

Why didn't I try shutterfly before now

I had heard of it - of course - but never really used it for anything. So after reading about a promotion they are doing giving bloggers free Christmas Cards I went and signed up! I am floored by how easy it was to fall in love with a Christmas Card. Meet Chocolate Lime Snowflake.

I love how simple the design is - but the pairing of the chocolate with the lime borders keeps it from being boring.

Here are the photos I want on the cover:

( I just love how cute he looks in his Christmas thermals with his little teethies!)

On the inside of the card I just want a simple message- no more pictures. I adore the lime snowflakes lining the bottom of the inside of the card - maybe because I have always been partial to the color combination (which is quite likely the reason I picked this card out!).

My next project I will be tackling is a one year photo book - I wanted to do a custom photo bock - but it really seems like the prompts in Baby's 1st Year will help me make a perfect present for the grandparents )and me!)

Then I am thinking of this Thank You card - isn't it precious :)

One thing I really did learn was I need to get a better camera! If I am going to be making all these photo projects - maybe Santa will bring me one next year!

Click here to learn more about how to get your 50 free Cards by blogging! Then head over here to start designing your cards! You'll have a ball - I know I did!

25 Days of GiveAways

Click this picture to take you to Tina's Site for the 25 Days of GiveAways! I will be hosting a day myself, December 16th. I know people may wonder 'well, you do not have the talent of the women who make things for their giveaways - and it is apparent you do not have the money - so how are you doing a giveaway?'

Well - I have something in the works and you won't want to miss it :)

Check out all the giveaways this year - I found many BLM friends through the blogs last year!

Happy Holidays

Finally

I finally posted my story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I find myself reading almost all of the stories on the site, afterall people are willing to share their experiences, so I am willing to read. Click on my picture to get to my story.

I have so many posts in my head. I feel kind of defeated with time lately though. It's never been a secret that the hubby and I have been struggling financially - so he has been working as much as he can and I have been working as much as I can - and basically everything else is falling aside. Now we are at a point where I am worried about money, but on the other hand I want us to be a family together and if I need to cancel cable and make some other sacrifices I will, because the hubby can't keep working as hard as he has been. I get 3 hours a night max with Lou before he is asleep. This week I worked on call 2 nights and went out one night (gasp!), and now I am bummed because I missed bedtime 3 nights this week. 3 nights. Plus today is Saturday and I am supposed to enjoy my whole day with the baby- instead the pager went off and I am now just home at 5 am trying desparately to get some sleep before my day begins in a few hours! Time with the hubby is non-existant, but we are very very cool with that. We want to focus on the baby and then spend an hour or two with each other later on in the night. The last day we both had off together was spent at the Brigham's Pregnancy and Infant Loss memorial. Not exactly a light day, but remembering Vincent is important to us.

So it is Halloween today! I can't wait for Lou's costume! But first I need to grab 3 hours of sleep, carve a pumpkin, go food shopping, make baby food and then go visit the hubby at work in costume and bring babes trick or treating (aka - get mommy candy!). Never mind the endless laundry, dishes and cleaning that have gotten put off :( Plus, the dogs are starting to act out - they are mad they do not get enough attention.

I am off to sleep! I can't wait to dress up my little man. I am not doing the costume I really wanted, but that's o.k. I guess, there is always next year.

Hope everyone has a lovely Halloween.

Once upon a time....

I had a baby and he died,

I went from being just shy of 6 months pregnant to being empty.

I had a baby and he died,

The first thing I did every morning, before getting out of bed but right after opening my eyes, was cry because this really happened. Then the tears just wouldn't stop.

I had a baby and he died,

Yet, I still felt his phantom kicks and felt pure joy before I remembered he was gone and my world was crushed again.

I had a baby and he died,

Mommy never even bought him anything special just for him and then it was too late. There's a free formula can in your memory box because dammit - it's the only thing that I ever got for you. I am sorry.

I had a baby and he died,

The months went by so fast, time was moving on but I was stuck right back on that day, april 29th, 2009, frozen in my grief. How is it August... I was sure it was only May at the latest.

I had a baby and he died,

and slowly people started to fade out of my life and I found myself alone right when I needed people the most.

I had a baby and he died,

his due date came and shattered me - forcing me to think about how different my life should be.

I had a baby and he died,

and suddenly people avoided me like you could catch "dead baby".

I had a baby and he died,

then I found out I was pregnant again. So scared. So happy. So cautious.

I had a baby and he died,

then I had many scares with my other son, but thankfully he lives, and not just in my heart but right here next to me.

I had a baby and he died and then I had a baby and he lives,

some of those people who left me, are creeping back in but I can't truly forget the day I looked around and saw I was all alone with my pain. where were all the well wishers when I needed wellness.

I had a baby and he died and then I had a baby and he lives,

and he lights up my world like I never knew possible. I love him with all my being.

I had a baby and he died and then I had a baby and he lives,

and suddenly no one cares if I might still hurt sometimes, what am I not grateful for the amazing son I have?

I had a baby and he died and then I had a baby and he lives,

and people just don't seem to understand the separateness of these statements. I cherish my little boy and love to watch him grow and live, but still........

I had a baby and he died.