I remember my first thoughts when I saw him was oh my, he is so beautiful and perfect. Then my heart broke that he was just so perfect and my body had failed him. I looked at every part of him - his fuzzy eyebrows (yeah he got those from me - angry scientist eyebrows). He had such tiny hands and feet and such a tiny mouth and tongue. He was 9 ounces of wonderfulness (this was much more IUGR than dr,'s suspected off u/s). He was 10 inches long.
The 6 hours we spent with him were wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time. I think I may have mentioned this before - but the hubby crawled into bed with me and I placed Vincent on my chest - and we napped for 2 hours. That nap was wonderful. To wake up and see him there - I can't explain the heartbreak vs the amazing love of holding your child who did not survive.
I spent the morning looking at his pictures and threw his memory box. Ah.
Then at 10:12 this morning I got my first ever Braxton Hicks contraction. Now my mind spirals back to IC, PPROM, PTL. But I am just relaxing and BREATHING.
We are supposed to be getting a pretty bad storm today in Boston. It's a biggie. My county has a winter storm warning n effect until 4pm tomorrow - with the chance of upgrade to Blizzard warning high (since counties right next to me have a blizzard warning). Actually I think we are in a blizzard warning now, predicted 8 -16 inches tonight.
So truthfully, I usually LOVE snow. Even though I live on a giant hill and once the snow starts we really can't get down the hill until the storm is over. I love looking out back and seeing the woods blanketed with snow. I love the little girl dog who runs out into the snow like it isn't freezing her little bum off. I love throwing snow balls into the snow and watching the dogs try to dig them out like they were are real ball and get all surprised when they cannot find it.
I'm weary for this storm though. Probably because it scares me a bit I will not be able to get to the hospital if something goes wrong. I guess this is just one of those times you need to trust and grab my camera and take pictures of the daschies in the snow tomorrow :)
I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you today, and always! It is so obvious how much Vincent was and is still loved. I hope Sprout continues to grow like a champ and doesn't show his/her face until at least 37 weeks. Braxton hicks can be normal although I know for you nothing can feel normal about pregnancy and you have every right to be scared. Try drinking a little extra water and see if that helps. My thoughts are with you and hubby today. Take care of yourself and I am expecting some really cute pictures!
ReplyDeleteHi Jamie,
ReplyDeleteWanted to stop by and thank you for your support on my blog. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a bittersweet day this must be for you. I'm feeling really anxious as I move closer to the gestation when I lost Ella. I'm jealous you live in MA. I used to live in Beverly. I loved it there! Stay cozy today!
*hugs* Thinking of you and hoping all is well. :)
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as you pass this point. I am glad to hear that you were able to spend 6 hrs with him, which of course is not nearly enough in the big picture.
ReplyDelete