Forgetting

Vincent. His second birthday is Friday. 2 years since that horrible day. What is worse is that I feel like I am forgetting him. Obviously I think of him a lot - but nowhere near as much as I used to. Weeks race past now without him popping in my mind. I like to blame it on being busy - I only see Lou Jr for 2 hours a day until the weekends -unless I am on-call then I don't see him at all :( - and there is always so much to do. I collapse into sleep every night exhausted - and way too stressed from everything else going on in life. But still, I am his mommy, he deserves better.

Whenever someone asks about children I always include Vincent, but when someone specifically asks about my son - Lou Jr. is the only one who comes to mind. April 29th hurts like hell whenever I see the date - but it feels like a lifetime ago I was actually in that room delivering my son. I didn't start crying hysterically until it was time to push... I can't, I'm sorry, I just want him to live, I cant handle this. But I did, it broke my heart and part of me will always be in that room - feeling that pain. You leave part of yourself at an event that traumatic.

I so clearly remember holding him...

looking at his little toes and fingers and mouth....

crying about how sorry I was I failed him....

his blanket with a much treasured ink stain from where his foot touched the blanket after they did his footprints....

mostly feeling like I would never breathe again without crushing pain.

But I do. I cherish my time with Lou Jr. and I fear I am losing my memories of Vincent.

I actually feel like I fail in being a loss mom - because sometimes I forget I suffered a loss. I guess it is not like I forgot - it just isn't at the front of my mind. Almost like it happened a life time ago.

I always hoped the pain would lessen, but now I feel as though I failed him. I failed in keeping him alive as a pregnant mommy. I am failing in keeping his memory alive. People give me strange looks when I mention him - like "really? you still think about him?" - so I stopped mentioning him as much. If Lou Jr. does something that makes me think of him and I start to cry - he is fascinated by tears and will wipe them away smiling- so I try not to cry in front of him.

Obviously I have not forgotten him, but there was an odd comfort in the hurts so much I can't even breath phase. It was proof I was suffering, it was proof I hurt because my baby was gone, it was proof he existed. Now the world keeps on turning - as it always did - but Vincent's mommy doesn't even think about him everyday anymore. I suck.

I miss you little boy, I love you and I am so sorry you are not here with us.