The Forgotten Ones

No - not our babies - they will never be forgotten. Too many people have been touched by their lives for them to ever be forgotten.

Who are the forgotten ones then? Well, they are the men who walk this road with us. Our husbands we have started to dream T-balls games, even though we warned them that T-ball is aways off right now! The boyfriends who joked with us about awful baby names and who you watched slowly become giddy about the pregnancy - sneaking glances at our bellies with smiles on their faces. The men who whispered loving things to us through our tears, stroked our hands during labor that we knew was not going to be all o.k.. Ultimately, they are the ones who tried to hold our worlds together and soothe out hearts when their worlds were crumbling around their broken hearts as well.

But they were the man, they had to be strong for us. What a load of shit.

Granted, I would never have done nearly as well when I was released from the hospital as I did if my hubby was there for me to cry on every morning. We were lucky , he stayed home the full month I did with me. But he was grieving too, his purpose was not just to console me - he had his own loss to work through himself.

The morning after I delivered Vincent my doctor came in to check up on me. I had delivered 20 hours before and said good-bye 14 hours after that. The doctor seemed surprised to find me curled up on the bed with Vincent's blanket , dazed red eyes from hour of crying and a healthy dose of percoset, all alone. He asked where my husband was. I decided to look up for a minute to answer his question and just said "home". I think the doctor thought I was upset about this because he mentioned everyone grieves in their own way... blah blah blah. I responded, "no shit- that's why I told him to stay in the god forsaken place anymore and to go home to the dogs. I have my own grieving to do right now and need to just focus on me". The doctor smiled and told me I would be O.K. - I laughed and asked for more percoset then cried some more. Surprisingly, the percoset showed up 15 minutes later.

I understand that the amount of time we spend grieving with each other is a personal thing. For me, I needed most of my time in the hospital after delivery alone. I needed to work through the despair. I was happy he wasn't there to see my ' why don't you go play in traffic now' face to the nurse who tried to make me shower as she was opening the curtains to let in sunlight. What was she thinking?!? Sunlight and showers - fuck that - I'll take more percoset and sleep now thank you very much. She eventually won , only be threatening to cath me again if I didn't get up and try to go pee and move around, what an evil evil threat. I understand why she did it- but that doesn't mean I didn't fight it every step of the way. I was happy he had that time to focus on himself and his loss - rather than do the suicide watch the nurses made me feel like I was on. When I eventually went home, he was there for me 100%. Actually , he was always there 100% - I just told him to stay home during the remainder of my hospital stay. We needed that little bit of time to grieve individually before grieving our collective loss - or maybe it was all me who needed the time, he just never complained.

When you start interacting with the world again you notice how your hubby has become the forgotten one. Everyone asks you how you are doing, while patting your husband on the back and telling him to 'take good care of her'. People will inquire to your husband about how you are doing, without ever thinking about the fact that they are hurting too. It really surprises me. My husband has heard people say about him "oh his wife had a baby really early and it died". Excuse me - it?!? He was a boy. Plus it wasn't MY baby I had - it was OUR baby that died.

Over 7 months later people will still ask if I am o.k. and how I am taking things - nobody asks him that. It is said his loss is not really recognized. Of course, some do recognize it, but not the majority.

So thank you to the men who stand by us and support us during these times. Who walk the road with us, but silently, their road is a much quieter and lonely road. Thank you, thank you , thank you. We would not have made it without your support. WE recognize your loss. WE know how your heart breaks. WE see your pain, and we walk that lonely road with you.

A very special thank-you to Jessica from Momma of Two Angels for her very special prize I won in the 25 Days of Giveaways set up by Tina. It is a precious ornament to remember Vincent on what should have been his first Christmas. It will be a great ornament to hang in his honor for the rest of our Christmas'.

Here is a picture of the ornament hanging from Vincent's urn:

If you can't make out the hanger - it says :

Vincent Patrick

4-29-09

I am so pleased and excited and just can't say thanks enough :)

The only *** slightly minor - as in not even a problem at all*** thing missing is the ability to have a nice glass of wine and remember my little man - a small price to pay for Sprout though!

One year ago today....

One year ago today was the day of my family's annual Christmas party. I woke up in the morning and grabbed the last pregnancy test in my 3 -pack. Who care if the other 2 were negative in the previous few days - I knew he was in there :) After every negative test I would rub my belly and say " stick in their Vincent" it's just too early right now. I know you are there.

Sat, 12/20/08, my first morning urine was.. negative. Well, there seemed to be a very very faint line, that you had to hold the test just right to see. Ugh. Evap line. I tossed it and went back to bed. When I woke up again with the hubby I pulled it out of the trash and showed him (yes, I have a habit it appears of pulling previously negative pregnancy tests in the trash and then seeing they look positive). It was so faint.. and a blue test with has more evap lines. So we went to go run a couple errands and get some coffee (ice I believe - unseasonably warm for december in new England), and a box of FRER tests.

I peed on it. There was no doubt there was two lines there. I cried from joy and fear. The hubby laughed at me for being so conflicted.

That night at the family party there was no heavy drinking for me, no light drinker either actually. I showed my mom the tests and we broke the news :)

Now today is one year later. In 52 weeks I have been pregnant for 44+3 weeks. I'm really hoping 2010 brings our rainbow.

The Mary Madeline Project

I stumbled across this tonight and think it seems like a great cause - just want to share it :)

Coincidences

22 weeks and one day - on April 29th Vincent was born at this point - at 10:12 am.

I remember my first thoughts when I saw him was oh my, he is so beautiful and perfect. Then my heart broke that he was just so perfect and my body had failed him. I looked at every part of him - his fuzzy eyebrows (yeah he got those from me - angry scientist eyebrows). He had such tiny hands and feet and such a tiny mouth and tongue. He was 9 ounces of wonderfulness (this was much more IUGR than dr,'s suspected off u/s). He was 10 inches long.

The 6 hours we spent with him were wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time. I think I may have mentioned this before - but the hubby crawled into bed with me and I placed Vincent on my chest - and we napped for 2 hours. That nap was wonderful. To wake up and see him there - I can't explain the heartbreak vs the amazing love of holding your child who did not survive.

I spent the morning looking at his pictures and threw his memory box. Ah.

Then at 10:12 this morning I got my first ever Braxton Hicks contraction. Now my mind spirals back to IC, PPROM, PTL. But I am just relaxing and BREATHING.

We are supposed to be getting a pretty bad storm today in Boston. It's a biggie. My county has a winter storm warning n effect until 4pm tomorrow - with the chance of upgrade to Blizzard warning high (since counties right next to me have a blizzard warning). Actually I think we are in a blizzard warning now, predicted 8 -16 inches tonight.

So truthfully, I usually LOVE snow. Even though I live on a giant hill and once the snow starts we really can't get down the hill until the storm is over. I love looking out back and seeing the woods blanketed with snow. I love the little girl dog who runs out into the snow like it isn't freezing her little bum off. I love throwing snow balls into the snow and watching the dogs try to dig them out like they were are real ball and get all surprised when they cannot find it.

I'm weary for this storm though. Probably because it scares me a bit I will not be able to get to the hospital if something goes wrong. I guess this is just one of those times you need to trust and grab my camera and take pictures of the daschies in the snow tomorrow :)

22 weeks

22 weeks. i went and watched the movie A.ngels & D.emons with my mom and little brother today. It was really good... well I did take a small nap during it- but the rest was really good - and what can I say, mom fed me and I passed out :)

My brother had an absent seizure a few days ago. It turned into a bunch of doctors blaming it on him smoking pot. Sorry - pot CAN LOWER seizure threshold but NOT CAUSE one. At least that is all the research I have done and I was once propositioned to test THC effects on brain tumors in grad school (I kinda wish I did - it would be like a Cheech and Chong movie- how do we get the mice to smoke it man...let's smoke it ourselves and blow it into their cages- haha genius!).

Anyway, he finally saw his neurologist and it turns out he needs to be medicated due to his seizure activity on his EEG. I hope it helps it him. I know it must suck being 18 and facing this now. It especially hurts since I had a friend how suffered the same seizures and he went downhill really bad in his 20s. He was fine until early 20s - by his mid 20's he withdrew from our group of friends, no mater how hard we tried to pull him back. Then he needed to stop going to college because he was suffering memory loss, he needed to stop driving really because he was scared of having a seizure while driving - which happened once or twice that we know of, and he lost his job for having a seizure and falling down the stairs. We still loved him of course - but then his parents bought him a house he was going to share with his mom when she needed to be in town to work and he basically told us he didn't want us to see him decline any further. I know this is not likely AT ALL to happen to my brother, but I wouldn't be able to take that. As it is, we all wonder sometimes how our old friend is. Maybe we shouldn't have let him run away from us - but what do most people in their 20s know of life and death.

I am sure my brother will take his meds and be fine - I just hate to see him struggle with the diagnosis.

*********************************

Only a couple more posts in the way back machine here. April 28 th. I was 22+0 week with Vincent. we met the neonatolgist. He told us there was nothing he could do - Vincent would have severe brain damage if he could overcome the 1% chance of living. He said if we were talking about a 24 week baby with no other complication we would have an o.k. shot. However, we had a 22 weeker who was growing 2-3 weeks behind. We didn't have time to wait for him to get bigger and with the poor flow he was absolutely brain damaged. The doctor was straight forward but kind. He did look at us and say "I'm so sorry. You are Mom and Dad and you need to think of what in the best interest of Vincent (all my doctors used his name - I am SO grateful for that) ... and you need to try not to prolong his suffering. His kidneys are failing, his brain is starving, I don't think he feels pain because I think his brain is too far gone to feel it". It meant alot to have it put to me that way.

My BPs started to rise, my kidneys started to spill even more protein and I needed to deliver.

Since we knew Vincent wouldn't survive the delivery (with the lack of oxygen from the placental flow) we choose an induction. The c-section would have gotten everything over quicker and perhaps we would have held him alive - but the doctors said they had to weigh my risks more heavily and a c-section was strongly discouraged.

The first dose of c.ytotek was administered at 6 pm. I would labor for 16 hours and 12 minutes.

Dachshund Christmas Tree Outing - 2008

Ah the daschies :) This was the outing to get the Christmas tree last year (yes we brought them!)

They love the hubby :)

I like the snow!

)

Belle and Grant in their jackets :)

Grant - the snow makes my belly wet - I WANT TO GO IN!!!

Excuse me - why aren't you telling HIM stick outside???? HE gets to bring one in - geez

Belle playing nicely and by herself with a broken branch

Grant notices she is having fun without him...

A little too much fun without him...

So he ends it - little grouch - I don't know why she loves him so much!

a sweet end to a long day