Well - I have been in such a black mood for the past few weeks. I have now earned the nickname Eye.ore at work because I am the depressive friend who makes everyone around them want to cry by the time I am done venting.
O.K. so why the black mood? Well, I am scared. I am scared that I was crazy to assume this pregnancy would end any differently than the last one. Who the hell was I kidding to think things would work out for me. Seriously. I am scared to go through the hell of pre-eclampsia again. I am scared to die. I am scared to not have a child in the end. I am just very pessimistic right now. I am trying to turn it around.
The nesting instinct is kicking in and I want to clean and organize and all that good stuff - but why. I have no Maybe if I knew I would have a baby this time - it would be different - but no one can tell me that information. Now I work 4-10 hour days and damn are my feet sore at the end of the day.
So what's my game plan - a minimal amount of cleaning today and then a long bath.... with shaving.... and possibly brushing out the knot in my hair that has been there for a few days now. I will wear some make-up tomorrow. I will try and not yell at people who assure me this pregnancy will be different.
The hubby starts a second part-time job tonight (and I am keeping my fingers crossed for a full-time position he has a second interview for tomorrow!). I am hopeful for the money because we really are dirt poor right now. But.... on the other hand I miss the fact he was going to be able to do the majority of childcare. Now we will depend on my mom more - which I am thankful I have that option - but still, I wanted the hubby to be able to be the stay at home dad. Maybe when I get back on-call we can cut down his hours - it just seems silly right now to NOT take a better paying job on the CHANCE we will have a baby in a few months... o.k. o.k. so many many months.
So I am going to try and be happier - yeah happiness! I did take up a new hobby - crochet! I can't believe how easy it is to get a stitch down - but how incredibly hard it is to do consistently. I can do a nice chain, and the single crochet stitch - but I can't do it consistently.. yet! These pics aren't great but here is what I can do!
Chain Stitch
Single Crochet Stitch
crocheting is much more fun than knitting imo. It will probably just take you a little practice and in no time you'll be doing consistent stitches.
ReplyDeleteby the way I just love your dogs, love them!! they remind me so much of my two.
good luck in hubby getting a good job. It's great too, that your mom can help out.
How far along are you now, do you have another ultrasound coming up soon? Or is your next one the 20week one?