WARNING - THE NEXT PART OF THIS BLOG HAS THE RISK OF BEING TMI
Consider yourself warned - actually it is not too bad - but I feel the need to warn people.
Thursday I went home from work because I was having a little more spotting than usual. Mind you - what I consider spotting is a colored spot after wiping myself after peeing. So Thursday my pad actually had a faint staining on a few spots (I probably over-reacted but I went home anyway)I mean - I hear about people spotting and am like - oh you mean it comes out not just when you wipe - hmmm - that's some scarier shit than what I have. So I guess I have a liberal definition of spotting - surprise surprise my mind just works in liberal ways. After a few hours of keeping my feet up - everything went back to normal. Then Friday morning I was lying in bed- dreading get up for work at 5 a.m.- and I got a sharp stabbing pain on one side. Scale of 1 - 10, it would only rank as a 3 or 4 (again I have a liberal definition of sharp it seems).Then I dragged my ass out of bed and went pee. This is the gross part - a very small snot sized dark brown clot was on the TP. The pain stopped. I went to work and wiped again and the TP was covered in super small pencil tip size dark brown/black spots. Then...... nothing. Nothing ever since.
END TOO MUCH INFORMATION - EXCEPT SOME BOOBAGE TALKS
The doctor thinks it may have been the resolution of the subchorionic hematoma. GOD I HOPE SO. Hell - I will take it getting smaller. HE wasn't worried about the pregnancy because - in his words "I want you to feel like S-H-I-T. So I am happy you feel tired and out of it and slightly nauseous". Too funny. He wants me to have a u/s Tuesday 9/8 to see what is going on with the hematoma and whether I can start the baby aspirin again.
O.K. - so this is a side note. My regular OB is NOT comfortable handling my care. That is fine by me - I will be seeing an MFM exclusively as of 9/16 :) :) :) I have noticed though since the SCH was discovered - the head of the practice has been handling my case. Both him and my reg. dr. are on vacation - and yet HE is the one they are paging with my questions (such as brown clots, O.K? or bad?). I feel as though she handed me off to him. I am O.K. with that because he seems like an extremely pro-active dr. but still.... what is it dangerous to touch me? Are they worried I will sue (I bitched after I looked at my appt book recently and saw with Vincent - during the two weeks he stopped growing - I was walking around with pressures of 160/100 - she was playing with my meds - but come on - I should have been sent to Labor & Delivery). By the way, I never intended or threatened to sue - every one did the best they could - but I wanted her to know I didn't trust her as much as she didn't feel comfortable handling a pregnant me. Funny now though she has nothing to do with me. She called me once - and asked if I set up my transfer to MFM. Hmm - I bet she will never let another patient walk around with those pressures again. I hope I really scared her.
I only stayed with the practice since I knew I was being transferred to an MFM and really it is easier than switching OB's before that.
So now that I have an ultrasound in - oh 54 hours - I am slightly nervous. I say slightly because I don't get panicked easily any more. I know nothing will change things. My worrying now a days is more a passing of negative thoughts into my brain - again with the liberal definitions.It feels like this time around - every ultrasound is something to dread. an opportunity to learn something bad happened. Maybe the baby died. Maybe the SCH is bigger. Maybe my body just sucks. Hopefully, the sch is smaller and baby measures right on. Maybe then I won't dread the 8 + 5 u/s the nest week. Then again, maybe I will.
Now I have been examining pregnancy symptoms. My boobs suddenly got kinda sore. Maybe it is from prodding them all the time - but maybe it is a new symptom. Maybe it means something bad (don't ask me how I am going from sore breasts to miscarriage - it's a talent). I haven't really had heartburn today - or been extremely nauseous. I have noticed both of those things are worse when I work a full day and not when I lay around. So I worry about that slightly - yet I have thrown up 3 times today ( 2 X from smells of what the hubby was eating - and which he proceeded to shove in my face after I complained of the smell - funny guy - and once after dinner with the grandfather in which I ate WAYYYYY too much). After a loss, we are really fucked up with this worrying. Again - I need a better way to word this. Worrying it is not - but uncomfortableness it is.
Since I am just writing and spewing garbage out in the blogosphere - I guess a few more tid bits of randomness.
I am thinking of going away this year for Christmas. We really can't afford a trip - but fuck it. Maybe my credit cards need a work-out. I haven't used them in so long. It is just an idea I am toying with right now. If we go - it will be to NY to see a show on Broadway. I think it would be wonderful. There are a couple of shows I am toying with. But the trip in total will be about $600. Not too bad - but still - kinda tough without me working on-call. It is just that this is supposed to be a great Christmas. One with a 4- month old. A happy one. It won't be a happy Christmas. Not matter what. I know we could put on a happy face for people and do all the family things - but I really don't think I want to. Why feel such pain - when I can escape the day with the hubby? If this pregnancy goes according to plan - I will be 23 weeks pregnant on Christmas day. That is 4 days more pregnant than I was when I delivered Vincent. Christmas is not going to be a happy one.
Plus, I kinda feel like the hubby and I need to get away for a bit. We usually go to Maine for our anniversary every year. Maine is our happy place. We dream of moving there some time in the next few decades - or decade - one can dream right? Well, our anniversary is next weekend - and we are not going to Maine. We had thought we would have a newborn around now. Can't go away with 2 dogs and a newborn. Now, the hubby (he doesn't like his name used on the internet - he is old fashioned like that) is working the whole weekend. He is doing it because of the fact I am not on-call anymore - which means I lose an additional $300-$500 a month JUST in pager time - nevermind the OT and DT. But my dr.'s told me no 24-hour shifts when pregnant - so off-call I am. Needless to say our budget is very tight during this pregnancy (unlike last one when I worked on-call ALL the time and saved THOUSANDS in a few short months - I blew it all by staying out of work on my maternity without baby leave). O.K. away from the money issue - I just think it would be great to get away.
I don;t think it would really be bad to skip Christmas this year - and I do mean skip. I don't mean presents a few days later or anything - I mean SKIP IT! I don't want presents - i want my baby. It makes it much harder as well since last Christmas is when I found out I was pregnant. Well, 12/20, the day of my family Christmas party. Christmas Eve I worked all night on-call. Got home at 6 a.m. and was so overwhelmed with emotion. The hubby had set up all the stockings (except for his of course since it was hidden in my closet) - and was the happiest I ever saw him. The donor I had worked on the night before's kidneys were both going to 2 young children - what an amazing Christmas present (even when I gave the results to the organ bank we mentioned how this would hopefully be the best Christmas of these kids lives - normally we don't mention anything about who the organs are going to - we just send over the matches. I took a shower right when I got home, since I have this irrational feeling that I get blood all over my due to the large amount I work with. In the shower, I bawled. I cried about how happy I was. How different everything was going to be. How good I felt about life..... and oddly enough, I got terrified I was going to die. I crawled into bed at 7 a.m. on Christmas morning for some sleep before going over my parents and just curled up next to the hubby still crying about how everything was going to be different and how scared I was to die. He laughed at me - and called me crazy and held me until I fell asleep - then he got to work on making Christmas breakfast for me.
I don't know - thinking about Christmas makes me love everything about it and not want to skip it - but I really think I will this year.
This post was longer - but it seems long enough - so I am going to do the other as a separate post.
No comments:
Post a Comment