My husband and I seemed to differ greatly in the grieving process in the beginning. I stayed up the night we lost Vincent and learned all I could about preeclampsia and read one special blog that dealt with a pre-e loss and just absorbed what I could. I needed to know why this happened, whether it would happen again just basic knowledge. Once I knew this wasn't the end of my potential for having children, I was able to grieve the loss of Vincent , rather than the loss of motherhood entirely. The hubby went home took some pills and went to sleep. For him the why and what next didn't matter at all. The important thing was that we lost Vincent. He didn't care what came next yet, and I felt guilty for wanting to know.
The day I woke up no longer pregnant and knew I would never see him again was one of the hardest days. I cried. I cried every morning when I woke up. I would go grab a cup of coffee and then cry on the deck outside. I stopped answering my phone. I stopped eating. People sent food that I threw away, who the hell wants death food. Now I realize they were being nice, at the time I wanted nothing from no one. I didn't want sympathy. I wanted my life to be different. I enjoyed taking a handful of my pain pills. Most people I know were not sent home with nearly as many pain pills as I was, I figured the doctor wanted me to be high.
The husband played his video games a lot. He made sure to always comfort me when I was crying. He was the one to make the pot of coffee in the am. He would rub my back while I felt like the world was ripping apart. Then we would retreat to our separate corners. I would clutch the dogs and take my pills. He would play his games. After a week, I started looking at all my pictures of Vincent again. I took the last pain pill. I starting to see how much it destroyed my hubby for me to burst into tears at random times. I decided to try and be strong for him - so I could support him the way he supported me. I remember how hard it was that first morning that I let him cry and tell me what he was feeling, with just a few tears streaming down my face. Any other time I would have broken down and walked away to lay on the couch and sleep. This time I sat there and supported him. I had to think of other things, such as grocery lists, to keep my feelings from bubbling over, but he got a chance to vent and lean on me which was important.
After that morning, I tried to grieve in a routine (as if there is anything routine about grief). I would wake up and journal and cry, look at pictures of Vincent and cry take a moment to reflect on what should have been and cry. Then I would try to stop crying for the day. I began trying to get through each day. Two weeks after coming home empty handed, I was trying to move forward. Not on, just forward.
As you can tell, most of this is about how I dealt with the initial grief. Not much about the hubby. Turns out we deal with things best separately. He was always there. He took a month off of work with me. I was always there for him, but we just kind of did our own things to get through the day. I wrote lots of posts about grief on a pre-e message board and found some comfort from women who walked the path before. He spent a lot of time hiking and being on his own. As much as it sounds lonely, it wasn't. It was nice to know someone was there but still be allowed the freedom to be alone.
Now we are at a place were we both talk openly about Vincent. We both mention him when we are asked if this is our first pregnancy. We both bought Vincent christmas cards without the other knowing. This experience brought us so much closer together, by giving us the space to go through it apart. I never would have expected that when times were tough I would want everyone to leave me alone including the hubby, but it turns out I do. I need to process on my own first and then we can work together. I am glad that worked out for both of us.
Oh Jamie *hugs* Men do grieve differently. Most of the time or at least with my husband its always silently, but I know he is thinking of our sweet boy just like your husband. I am glad your hubby was able to open up to you. Its so important.
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