I have been gone- to spare others my horrid mood

My Cutie giving my sad days some sunshine :)

Well - I have been in such a black mood for the past few weeks. I have now earned the nickname Eye.ore at work because I am the depressive friend who makes everyone around them want to cry by the time I am done venting.

O.K. so why the black mood? Well, I am scared. I am scared that I was crazy to assume this pregnancy would end any differently than the last one. Who the hell was I kidding to think things would work out for me. Seriously. I am scared to go through the hell of pre-eclampsia again. I am scared to die. I am scared to not have a child in the end. I am just very pessimistic right now. I am trying to turn it around.

The nesting instinct is kicking in and I want to clean and organize and all that good stuff - but why. I have no Maybe if I knew I would have a baby this time - it would be different - but no one can tell me that information. Now I work 4-10 hour days and damn are my feet sore at the end of the day.

So what's my game plan - a minimal amount of cleaning today and then a long bath.... with shaving.... and possibly brushing out the knot in my hair that has been there for a few days now. I will wear some make-up tomorrow. I will try and not yell at people who assure me this pregnancy will be different.

The hubby starts a second part-time job tonight (and I am keeping my fingers crossed for a full-time position he has a second interview for tomorrow!). I am hopeful for the money because we really are dirt poor right now. But.... on the other hand I miss the fact he was going to be able to do the majority of childcare. Now we will depend on my mom more - which I am thankful I have that option - but still, I wanted the hubby to be able to be the stay at home dad. Maybe when I get back on-call we can cut down his hours - it just seems silly right now to NOT take a better paying job on the CHANCE we will have a baby in a few months... o.k. o.k. so many many months.

So I am going to try and be happier - yeah happiness! I did take up a new hobby - crochet! I can't believe how easy it is to get a stitch down - but how incredibly hard it is to do consistently. I can do a nice chain, and the single crochet stitch - but I can't do it consistently.. yet! These pics aren't great but here is what I can do!

Chain Stitch

Single Crochet Stitch

Dr. Awesome (warning this will be long)

Well - today I had the first MFM appointment!

First we went to get a u/s:

SCH - not visualized :) :) :) I don't say gone yet..... but not there!

Sprout should be 8 +5 according to all the many old u/s and is measuring a bit ahead at 9+3. Yippee. Grow grow grow. The hubby and tech actually saw moving little arm buds. I turned to look and sprout stopped. She went back to see if Sprout would move for me later - but he was all set. Cozy and comfy and not moving when I was looking.

I am not too surprised Sprout is measuring big. I am not eating a lot - and have lost 3 pounds - but healthy food gives me heartburn. Spicy nachos and I am fine - granola bar equals hours of horrid indigestion. Although I am not giving in - even though all I really want is meats and cheeses and HOT DOGS (which I am not a normal fan of) - sprout is eating it's veggies! I just deal with the indigestion knowing the salad was better than eating a hot dog. I joke with the hubby that Sprout just already likes his cooking. I can eat anything he makes - spicy nachos w/ roasted jalepanos - spicy asian style soup - boiled dinners .... no problem - but I eat an apple and the indigestion is horrible :) Oh Sprout...

Now I met with the MFMs nurse - really it was a mass information gathering. Very nice though.

Then the vitals with a med tech. She INSISTED the automated cuff is very accurate and new and 99.9 % blah blah blah. I said - O.K. we will see about that! Reading: 157/100. I actually laughed. She seemed annoyed I thought it was funny and I just looked at her and said - "well that is certainly NOT my BP". She took it manually - 140/80. High for others - normal for me - I am sure it would have been down to 130/70 if it was retested after me sitting for a bit.

Then a kindly woman came in and asked me to participate in a study on prematurity. They are looking to see if bio markers are present, and at which point do they show up, in cases of prematurity due to pre-e, pprom and ptl. All it is is having an extra two tubes of blood drawn twice during normal blood draws and once again at 34 weeks (I was like - sure, if I make it that far). Then they want a small piece of the placenta - sure- knock yourself out. When I was having the blood drawn the phlebotomist asked if I got paid for the study - I told her no, that is against IRB policies since it isn't any inconvenience to me at all. She, and her co-worker, were both like oh - no cash no blood I say! Really?!? I mean, what is 9 tubes compared to 7 - is that extra 20 mLs gonna really be missed. If women don't participate in this stuff - we will never learn the answers. Gosh.

Then doctor time. I summed this up nicely on the pre-eclampsia forum so I am just going to do a little copy and paste here since I am fall over tired!

Then I met with my new best friend (aka - my MFM). He remembered me from the hospitilization with Vincent. He talked to us for about 40 minutes. He doesn't want to adjust my BP meds yet (although he agrees they probably don't work well for me since those are the same as my unmedicated pressures). He wants to see if I experience the fabled second trimester dip - which he says is more indicative of PE re=occurance than anything else we will do. Adjustments will be made at my next appt. if necessary. He is really hoping for a dip. yep - me too. He told me to demand they take my BP manually the way it SHOULD be taken and NOT allow the automatic cuff used at all (he doesn't want those readings linked to my medical record).

He is checking my vitamin D level. He says this is a hot topic in pre-eclampsia research. Obviously it is not proven to help - but like he said - we are talking about a vitamin not some toxic drug - can't hurt. It helps pre-e is his research area :)

I have a pee jug for my 24 hour urine to do at my convenience (hmmm - there's a convenient tine to store pee in your fridge?). 9 tubes of blood were drawn.

I mentioned how the early dopplers have good predictive value at around 12 weeks (thanks for wonderful info on PFF). He said we can definitely do that - but he doesn't want me to put too much stock into anything (negative or positive). Really it is all going to be a waiting game. Waiting for it to strike - or waiting for it not to. He did tell me to expect bed rest at some point :sigh: - hubby is looking for a second part time job as we speak - but we do what we have to do! As much time as I am off my feet - the lower the pressure will be.

I had kinda forgot that they discovered I had anti-ro antibodies in my underlying conditions work up which is associated with neonate cardiac heart block. Starting at 17 weeks I will have a weekly fetal echo (one at my in the top ranked hospital every two weeks, and one at the in the top ranked childrens hospital right next door every two weeks - staggered so I get one a week). That was a bit overwhelming to here that the anti-ro made me high-risk on it's own .... another worry in the stew if you will

We are going to make plans on NSTs, BPPs and how often I visit as we go. I go back in 4 weeks and he told me that will be the longest break between my visits. He is my only doc now.

I have mild asthma too - he wants me to check my peak flow (basically lung capacity) every morning and call with any deviations. He said we may rely on my rescue inhaler a lot even if I feel good - to make sure sprout gets enough oxygen.

Hubby and I liked that he was very matter of fact. he wasn't discouraging nor overly reassuring. Basically, he is going to give it his all and expects me to do the same and just take it day by day. If we see signs of PE- I will be put on bedrest or hospitilized pretty much right away (he doesn't mind keeping me in the hospital for a while if need be).We will watch me very closely and treat aggressively. Basically all I can ask for.

Days feel so long now- I hope for a boring long 30 weeks remaining :) My first real mini-goal is 22 + 5 - the most pregnant I have been in the past was 22+4 Then 24 weeks... then 28. My secret ultimate goal 34-36 (i really hope I make it there).

The past six weeks I have known I was pregnant felt like an eternity. I have had 4 u/s already. It will be nice to have the rest of the first trimester trying to relax and dare I say - have a normal pregnancy.

The stats

Sprout is growing good! At 7 weeks + 4 she measured a tiny bit ahead at 7 +5 ( not a huge difference but much better than growth going in the opposite direction).

Heart beat at 6 weeks - 120

Heart beat at 7 weeks +4 - 173

hematoma at 6 weeks - moderate and next to gestational sac

hematoma at 7 weeks +4 - small and away from sack and above cervix (ie prepare to pass more clots)

Next u/s is Wed at 8 weeks+5 with the MFM who will then become my dictator. He will be number 1 on the hubby and I's speed dials ... and he only works 2 floors up from me at the hospital. God bless the man, he'll need it.

The u/s was fun. The hubby and I are not quite people- and we are very sarcastic. I feel a little badly for the tech having her as her first patients of the morning. We were led back into the u/s room where we had our last u/s with Vincent. It went down like this:

*keep in mind everything was said very nicely - not bitchy as you could probably think from reading what I said - I laugh a lot too and always smile... unless I cry.... but I am still not bitchy to the people just doing there jobs (can you tell I hate when people give me a hard time at work ;p)*

me: this is a sucky room

her: no, they are all like this

me: no, last time I was in this room I found out my 22.5 week old son had reverse diastolic flow and wouldn't be able to survive

her: oh.... do you want to move

me: no thanks - let's give the room from hell a chance to redeem itself

Then the probe was applied to belly

me: o.k. step one - there is a baby in there - the blobish thing

hubby: check

me: look - it still lives - heart is a pumping

hubby: check

me: what's the rate?

her: 173

me: ohh - I high one. Measuring O.K?

her: yep

me: like at 7 weeks 4 days o.k.?

her (laughing): I would have put you further but I can't see the numbers on this computer

me: fine.. how about the hematoma - is it smaller

her: we don't measure volumes

me: oh yes you most certainly do - how else would you know if they are changing size?

her: well it is small and has moved away from baby

me to hubby: fast heart rate that means girl according to the old wives

hubby: clearly he is a boy - look at his penis... oh - that' s his lower torso

me: yeah, your right. You better hope its a boy because a girl with that face would not be popular

at this point the tech was laughing so hard - mind you all we saw on the screen was a blob.

then she came into the room after going to print out the report and told me I was correct - volumes were measured and it shrunk by 50 %. woo hoo.

Then, we left. Then the hubby lost $20, my work put a pay freeze in place so I will not be getting my annual raise and my mortgage will not be readjusted until early next year. Ugh... I don't see how we are going to swing all this financially without me being on-call ... but we will somehow.... I guess :)

The Daschies

Here is the second part of that last post - thank goodness I split them up. I must be in a really talkative mood tonight despite the fact it is 4:30 a.m. and I can't sleep

All this free time also has me on Pet.Finder wayyy too much. I keep looking at daschies we could help have a better life. But there are 2 reasons I am hesitant to do this:

1) The money - it's not really too much but the yearly visit for the both of them ends up being 1300, with all the tests and meds we pick up. Another one would be bump us up to 2000. Worth it - but still. This i snot the main reason I am hesitant though - just a convenient one to tell myself.

2) The real reason is I am worried about changing Grant and Belle's relationship. we got really lucky in that he LOVES her. from the night we brought her home he never fought with her (besides playing of course). Four days after she was with us.. when she caught on to the house breaking rule of indoor pee goes on a pee pad - and we really prefer and give treats for outdoor pee - she moved into Grant's room. No fighting. In the morning we opened the door and the were curled up in the same bed. The have been like that now for the 11 months she's been with us. How awesome is that!?! I don't want to mess that up.

Grant is really good for Belle. She is a little too dependent on him and has minor separation anxiety when they need to be apart the few times he has gone to the vet ER and she waited at home - but he has really been a great influence in her life. 

Belle MUST have been abused. I don't like pet stores and would much rather adopt (like with the rabbits). i went into a pet store that specialized in puppies looking for a special shampoo for Grant. She was sleeping in her tiny cage. She picked up her head and gave me that "my-life-is-so-not-worth-living" look daschies have down. I asked to play with her in a private area. She was a psycho! So happy to be out of her cage she was jumping in my face - biting my nose - tugging on my jeans - peeing on the floor. I tried to hold her and she would just cover my face is wet kisses - not a good thing because I am allergic to dogs but seem to be able to tolerate daschies after some exposure. I only had allergy symptoms with Grant for 3 weeks - Belle I was still reacting to after 6 months :( Minor things - like some hives where she sat on bare skin - nothing too worrisome. She actually only bothers me know when I am really really run down - and you know what - I'm O.K. with the very small inconvenience. 

Anyway, when I handed her back to the clerk and told him I would back for her later - let me put down a deposit - he starting stating how she was on clearance because at 3 months old - she wasn't a puppy anymore... and she had a tendency to be very over stimulated and nippy at people (all in an attention seeking why - not trying to actually bite of be aggressive).  So yeah.... she is 50% off and you know she has plans to be moved somewhere not that great someone doesn't take her soon. Excuse me? Then I looked at the window of the store - yep - it was right there - a clearance sticker with her info on it. For real? I asked him if a not pleasant place meant a high-kill shelter and he shook his head yes while saying it is against company policy to tell you where the dogs go - so you can't go adopt them. 

Now i am not an idiot - I don't fall for stupid high pressure sales tactics - but he seemed so genuine. Also, she WAS on clearance. She WAS old for people wanting a puppy. She WAS very in your face in a way a family with small kids wouldn't want her around. It felt like a sad situation and I have no doubt she was really heading for a horrible place - her eyes even knew it when she went back to her cage. She was so miserable that when I came back with the hubby - she saw me - but didn't even raise her head from the bed. She just closed her eyes and curled a little tighter into a ball. We left with her 20 minutes later - first stop - VET! She was in amazing health though so we had no worries bringing her home to Grant. Well, we actually brought Grant into the pet store to met her -but he was so tweaked being there that he just barked at people trying to touch him the whole time (he also came from there - I know I know - I hate pet stores - why do I own two dogs from there?!? his story is a good one too I will tell when I am done talking about Belle).

Belle was a handful. Whenever we left her - she cried... and cried... and cried. She followed Grant around all day like... well  like a puppy.  But god was she a nipper. Never trying to bite you - she was just used to interacting with dogs we think. If she wanted her attention she jumped up on you and did a mixture of little nips with kisses... and she has a fascination with faces. We have her well trained now so that she doesn't bit faces - or anything else besides her toys- but it was a rough first few months. We joked with her that this was the type of behavior that would have sent her to the bug needle... and it's not even that much of a joke. She may not have lasted with another family. I honestly didn't like her much after we brought her home. After a month, she got sooo much better and I felt horrible about how I thought she was awful during the original training period.

Then we realized she was abused. When you raised your voice at her she would (will- this still is the case) shrink so low to the ground - run and hide under anything near by and pee. Also, if you dropped something near her - easy to do when they follow you around the kitchen - she screeched so loud and would run and pee. We really notice the problem when we sternly said " Bad girl!" at her one day after she took food off the coffee table. The hubby went to pick her up to put her in her room for a time out and she flipped when he touched her. She started emitting a ridiculous high -pitch cry like he was hurting her and peed all over him. We both were so shocked we sat down with her a comforted her with tears streaming down our faces. That was the moment we realized she had one fucking horrible life before we took her. So she got away with not getting scolded much after that - we realized ignoring her for a few moments was much more effective. To this day - when we scold her she will look for reassurance we still love her for hours after. It's so sad.

So Grant's story. We were walking by the per store (it is in the mall) and heard a woman say - "oh he is so cute - I want him!" her husband responded "it will be the fourth puppy you have had in a year - they all end up in the pound"..."he'll be different" she said. 

That's all it took. The hubby and I ran into the store and asked to play with him to keep him from the horrid woman. She come in while we were playing with him and asked when we would be done with him- we said we were thinking of keeping him (ie - back off bitch!). He played well and took a real shine to the hubby. Whenever someone came over to the play area to look at him - he hid under the hubby's leg. When we left we gave him back to the clerk. The clerk put him back in his cage and Grant looked at us confused. We walked away and heard him crying and barking at us. We turned and looked back at him and his tail was wagging like crazy. The hubby looked at me and said "well - you can't plan a puppy. Come on let's buy him before someone else does". That is how Grant come to live with us - total time he spent in the pet store was less than 24 hours. He has just arrived the afternoon before.

I have talked to Grant's breeders - and they remembered him. he got sold because he had a hernia and couldn't be a show dog because he was neutered at birth due to it. He came from a long line of champions. Also, he wasn't highly desirable in the breeding world due to his white spots. he doesn't have many, and his pattern is not associated with blindness or any other problems, but they would have preferred him solid red. That's fine by us! He is awesome!  I feel bad when I see puppy mills on TV though  - because inside I know that's where Belle came from. They could "never find" her breeding info no matter how many times we asked for it. Recently, a man was arrested in MA for driving around selling puppy mill puppies to pet stores out of the back of a freight truck. There where many dogs in small cages and many ill dogs in the back of that truck. Something inside hurt when we heard that story and we turned to each other and both said "that was Belle". I have no doubt she had an awful start - and awful prospects. Thank god we have her. But it brings up an interesting point, you don't want to buy one of these puppies and profit the industry - but did Belle deserve to die because she came from a puppy mill  - NO WAY. I don't regret giving money to puppy mills for her - her life shouldn't be thrown away because of where she came from. However, I am the first to support anti-puppy farm measures and donated money to the MSPCA.  It's tough because people always say - Oh gosh but you are supporting the bad guys buying her from a puppy store like that. well,maybe - but we saved our Belle and that is worth that to me. Plus - her cost was sooooo reduced - I really don't think there was too much profit off her. I mean she is a pure daschie and was under $500. Pure little doggie.

Well, for now I am just looking at other dogs - because really - I don't want to mess up the awesome relationship Grant and Belle have. I would hate for one of them to become the odd one out.... or another dog not to be accepted. We got lucky with how much they love each other and how well they get along - do we really want to push that? Nah, I think not. But buy are these doggies so damn cute.... and I can dream right?

Wow - it is so late - I told you all I was feeling talkative tonight! O.K. off to sleepy land. :)

Tom Petty was right

waiting is the hardest part.  I haven't been able to sleep much - unless of course I am supposed to go to work - then I sleep all day. 

WARNING - THE NEXT PART OF THIS BLOG HAS THE RISK OF BEING TMI

Consider yourself warned - actually it is not too bad - but I feel the need to warn people.

Thursday I went home from work because I was having a little more spotting than usual. Mind you - what I consider spotting is a colored spot after wiping myself after peeing. So Thursday my pad actually had a faint staining on a few spots (I probably over-reacted but I went home anyway)I mean - I hear about people spotting and am like - oh you mean it comes out not just when you wipe - hmmm - that's some scarier shit than what I have. So I guess I have a liberal definition of spotting - surprise surprise my mind just works in liberal ways. After a few hours of keeping my feet up - everything went back to normal. Then Friday morning I was lying in bed- dreading get up for work at 5 a.m.- and I got a sharp stabbing pain on one side. Scale of 1 - 10, it would only rank as a 3 or 4 (again I have a liberal definition of sharp it seems).Then I dragged my ass out of bed and went pee. This is the gross part - a very small snot sized dark brown clot was on the TP. The pain stopped. I went to work and wiped again and the TP was covered in super small pencil tip size dark brown/black spots. Then...... nothing. Nothing ever since. 

END TOO MUCH INFORMATION - EXCEPT SOME BOOBAGE TALKS

The doctor thinks it may have been the resolution of the subchorionic hematoma. GOD I HOPE SO. Hell - I will take it getting smaller. HE wasn't worried about the pregnancy because - in his words "I want you to feel like S-H-I-T. So I am happy you feel tired and out of it and slightly nauseous". Too funny. He wants me to have a u/s Tuesday 9/8 to see what is going on with the hematoma and whether I can start the baby aspirin again.

O.K. - so this is a side note. My regular OB is NOT comfortable handling my care. That is fine by me - I will be seeing an MFM exclusively as of 9/16 :) :) :)  I have noticed though since the SCH was discovered - the head of the practice has been handling my case. Both him and my reg. dr. are on vacation - and yet HE is the one they are paging with my questions (such as brown clots, O.K? or bad?). I feel as though she handed me off to him. I am O.K. with that because he seems like an extremely pro-active dr. but still.... what is it dangerous to touch me? Are they worried I will sue (I bitched after I looked at my appt book recently and saw with Vincent - during the two weeks he stopped growing - I was walking around with pressures of 160/100 - she was playing with my meds - but come on - I should have been sent to Labor & Delivery). By the way, I never intended or threatened to sue - every one did the best they could - but I wanted her to know I didn't trust her as much as she didn't feel comfortable handling a pregnant me.  Funny now though she has nothing to do with me. She called me once - and asked if I set up my transfer to MFM. Hmm - I bet she will never let another patient walk around with those pressures again. I hope I really scared her.

I only stayed with the practice since I knew I was being transferred to an MFM and really it is easier than switching OB's before that.

So now that I have an ultrasound in - oh 54 hours - I am slightly nervous. I say slightly because I don't get panicked easily any more. I know nothing will change things. My worrying now a days is more a passing of negative thoughts into my brain - again with the liberal definitions.It feels like this time around - every ultrasound is something to dread. an opportunity to learn something bad happened. Maybe the baby died. Maybe the SCH is bigger. Maybe my body just sucks. Hopefully, the sch is smaller and baby measures right on. Maybe then I won't dread the 8 + 5 u/s the nest week. Then again, maybe I will. 

Now I have been examining pregnancy symptoms. My boobs suddenly got kinda sore. Maybe it is from prodding them all the time - but maybe it is a new symptom. Maybe it means something bad (don't ask me how I am going from sore breasts to miscarriage - it's a talent). I haven't really had heartburn today - or been extremely nauseous. I have noticed both of those things are worse when I work a full day and not when I lay around. So I worry about that slightly - yet I have thrown up 3 times today ( 2 X from smells of what the hubby was eating - and which he proceeded to shove in my face after I complained of the smell - funny guy - and once after dinner with the grandfather in which I ate WAYYYYY too much). After a loss, we are really fucked up with this worrying. Again - I need a better way to word this. Worrying it is not - but uncomfortableness it is. 

Since I am just writing and spewing garbage out in the blogosphere - I guess a few more tid bits of randomness.

I am thinking of going away this year for Christmas.  We really can't afford a trip - but fuck it. Maybe my credit cards need a work-out. I haven't used them in so long. It is just an idea I am toying with right now. If we go - it will be to NY to see a show on Broadway. I think it would be wonderful. There are a couple of shows I am toying with. But the trip in total will be about $600. Not too bad - but still - kinda tough without me working on-call.  It is just that this is supposed to be a great Christmas. One with a 4- month old.  A happy one. It won't be a happy Christmas. Not matter what. I know we could put on a happy face for people and do all the family things - but I really don't think I want to.  Why feel such pain - when I can escape the day with the hubby? If this pregnancy goes according to plan - I will be 23 weeks pregnant on Christmas day. That is 4 days more pregnant than I was when I delivered Vincent. Christmas is not going to be a happy one.

Plus, I kinda feel like the hubby and I need to get away for a bit. We usually go to Maine for our anniversary every year. Maine is our happy place. We dream of moving there some time in the next few decades - or decade - one can dream right? Well, our anniversary is next weekend - and we are not going to Maine. We had thought we would have a newborn around now. Can't go away with 2 dogs and a newborn. Now, the hubby (he doesn't like his name used on the internet - he is old fashioned like that) is working the whole weekend. He is doing it because of the fact I am not on-call anymore - which means I lose an additional $300-$500 a month JUST in pager time - nevermind the OT and DT. But my dr.'s told me no 24-hour shifts when pregnant - so off-call I am. Needless to say our budget is very tight during this pregnancy (unlike last one when I worked on-call ALL the time and saved THOUSANDS in a few short months - I blew it all by staying out of work on my maternity without baby leave). O.K. away from the money issue - I just think it would be great to get away.

I don;t think it would really be bad to skip Christmas this year - and I do mean skip.  I don't mean presents a few days later or anything - I mean SKIP IT! I don't want presents - i want my baby. It makes it much harder as well since last Christmas is when I found out I was pregnant. Well, 12/20, the day of my family Christmas party. Christmas Eve I worked all night on-call. Got home at 6 a.m. and was so overwhelmed with emotion. The hubby had set up all the stockings (except for his of course since it was hidden in my closet) - and was the happiest I ever saw him. The donor I had worked on the night before's kidneys were both going to 2 young children - what an amazing Christmas present (even when I gave the results to the organ bank we mentioned how this would hopefully be the best Christmas of these kids lives - normally we don't mention anything about who the organs are going to - we just send over the matches. I took a shower right when I got home, since I have this irrational feeling that I get blood all over my due to the large amount I work with. In the shower, I bawled. I cried about how happy I was. How different everything was going to be. How good I felt about life..... and oddly enough, I got terrified I was going to die. I crawled into bed at 7 a.m. on Christmas morning for some sleep before going over my parents and just curled up next to the hubby still crying about how everything was going to be different and how scared I was to die. He laughed at me - and called me crazy and held me until I fell asleep - then he got to work on making Christmas breakfast for me. 

I don't know - thinking about Christmas makes me love everything about it and not want to skip it - but I really think I will this year. 

This post was longer - but it seems long enough - so I am going to do the other as a separate post.

Things I wish

* I wish my baby didn't die- I wish I was able to have him here with me

* I wish I wasn't worried about Sprout so much

* I wish I was a better friend and didn't shut down so much right now, honestly it is my problem and not any one else's . Thank you for all still being there -  even when I am not

* I wish I was more dependable at work and not running away every time I start to have bleeding- I thank everyone I work with - especially the big wigs :) - for giving me time, space and support

* I wish I had a crystal ball and could see how things would turn out - actually fuck the crystal ball - someone just tell me everything will be O.K. someday please

* I wish people would understand the pain of a loss - WITHOUT having to feel it themselves - and understand that we hurt - and the hurt won't ever go away

* I wish people thought before they made stupid comments about just getting through the first trimester - that doesn't fix everything

* I wish people understood we did actually have a baby - it's O.K. to talk about him

* I wish I could feel more joy at this heart beating inside of me - but I am so scared of the hurt again

* I wish my husband wasn't terrified of losing me or another baby - it isn't fair to him

* I wish I had answers - WHY did everything go so wrong - is there a way to fix it in the future

* I wish I was the happy person I once was

* I wish I still laughed too much, enjoyed life too much and smiled constantly

* I wish everyday didn't hurt just a little bit

* I wish no one felt this pain

* I wish everyone who struggles so hard for a child - get their dreams granted- however it does not

work that way and that breaks my heart

* I wish no one had the pain of multiple losses

* I wish my hair wasn't so hormone ravaged and dead

* I wish I wasn't just negative and worried about this pregnancy

* I wish I didn't accidently wax off part of my left eyebrow because I was too distracted by my positive pregnancy test - but I am thankful for how much my hubby and I laughed at it :)

* I wish I could live off sour fruit gummy things

* I wish I didn't burn my tongue on said sour things and keep eating them anyway

* I wish my high school friends baby didn't need a transplant to live

* I wish sooo many potential recipients on waiting lists didn't die before getting a transplant

* I wish I could still be pregnant AND work on call - I like feeling like I changed someone's life

* I wish there was a cure for pre-eclampsia - and not just delivery of the baby

* I wish my best friend didn't hurt so much in life - she deserves so much better

* Mainly, I wish everything was just different, the way it was supposed to be - not the way it is

Due Date

It's now officially my due date - well not in Blogger because I don't have it set to EST - but in reality it is 9/1/09.  Everything was supposed to be different today. I was going to have my little boy home. Life would be good.

The thing that is upsetting me most is that this is almost like an end to the story. In the past, I always told people when Vincent would have been due. Now that date is in the past. Does that mean the event is the past? Absolutely not. It is my present. 

When people hear a date in the future - they know you are still hurting, the pain is still there. when they hear a date in the past - it is just that. a date in the past. Something that happened in your past. Surely it does not affect your present still does it? Absolutely.  

And if you are looking for ways to distract yourself - don't google subchorionic hematoma - that there is some scary shit. Let's hope the u/s in 2 weeks shows it gone! Or smaller at least!

I miss you little boy. I love you little boy. I am so sorry little boy.