Missing Vincent

I am getting slightly overwhelmed. O.K. at least I have work done for the week, one less thing to think about. I never take time off - so I am really excited! I have also been avoiding thinking of money since that just stresses me out and I know I really have no need to worry right now. Money is as tight as ever - but I budgeted for this birthday party and I deserve to shop and enjoy it- so there!

So why am I overwhelmed? SOOOOO much cleaning to do. So much everything to do. Plus....

In this planning though... I miss Vincent more than ever. His angel day is coming up on two years. 2 years without him. 1 year with Lou. It all feels so surreal. As vividly as I remember the joy of being told Lou would be joining us that night - I can also recall the single tear from the doctor who pronounced Vincent dead. It all sank in in that final moment.... once it was time to push... I didn't want to... I wanted to keep him. I lost my cool and started to cry and said "I can't - I don't want to - I'm so sorry I killed him"

Of course I wanted Vincent more than I wanted myself to live right then but still I failed him.

The truth is, I will enjoy Lou's Birthday. I will celebrate all the joy he has brought me. I will document every moment to show him how many people love him. I will make it through that day focuses solely on Lou.... but Vincent's loss will be a cloud in my sky. Everything I do is colored by his loss. Regardless of how much time has gone by - I had a son and he died. How can you not think about it? How can you not want your sons to grow up together? How can the happy moments not make your heart ache for one single second for the pain of the boy you never got to celebrate? Being a loss mom is forever.

One woman who experienced something very similar told me only time helps. Time helps you cope with the pain, but it certainly doesn't erase it.

I miss you little boy. Thank you for watching over your brother. Mommy loves you both oh so much.