A few weeks back I deleted my link to my blog off facebook. I need to have a place to toss ideas around without coworkers / family members / whomever else reading and giving their opinions.

Yet, I am not anonymous. I just don't want a direct link, you know?

So last post I was venting about when your comfort zone just isn't enough. When you need to step outside the box. When you need to do what you need to do. Ideally, I would be a happily married mother of an almost one year old (gasp) who was emotional and financially secure.... well stable at least. But I am not.

My husband has job issues - then turns it around and blames something or other on me "Ohh I am not bitchy I had to work a full day today - I am just mad you made a rude comment when I was laying around and you were doing EVERYTHING " o.k. so the emphasis there is mine - but you get the point.

The hubby got a job, one that actually pays decent for not having a college degree.... or any experience or solid work history for that matter. Then you remember the whole back taxes thing.. yeah apparently my mortgage company remembered them too. Now the hubby has a job, so we would be more comfortable and dare I say stable, but now the mortgage company wants 500 more a month for a year.... booo..... I know it is only for a year - but then what - there is always something that comes next.

When I was a teenager I used to dream of being married, with a husband , and some kids. The typical american dream bullshit. I wanted to be a working wife who doted on her kids nights and weekends, while living comfy with my best friend by my side. A husband who actually would clean the stove - instead of allowing it to catch on fire three times the past month. Really, for fucks sake clean it. How come I can't, well see I do, and then you come along and splash shit everywhere. It sucks frankly. Like the chunks of squash stuck on one corner of the ceiling that have been there FOR OVER A MONTH. He made babyfood, he splashed squah, I have way too much other stuff to do then to try and scrape old squash, which was his fault, off the ceiling....especially since he was out of work the entire time it has been there, just started the new job today.

So... my job thing. I think I will have an offer at a very famous **name of a condiment I hate here**** Clinic who say my resume the whole 3 days it was on-line before I panicked and pulled it down because moving away is just soo scary. We have had a phone interview, now they are flying me out (on a day I already had off at the end of the month). My Hospital is also very prestigious. I love me job. But cost of living out there is better and I will be making more money. I don't see how it could be the wrong choice since quality of life would be so much better. Yeah'ed we'd have to sell our house - but we only owe ~75% of what it worth . I'd break even and call it a day in Boston.

So it seems to me I have been fostering an escape route. Sometimes I would really like to do it alone with the boy. Other times I want to give out here as much of a shot as I can.

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I wrote this post in the beginnning of the week... when I just needed to vent about the hubby. We are getting along fine now, just dealing with the normal stressors of having a baby and no money!

My Valentine

I was a happy child with family all around. I felt love. Love was all around me, when my mother held my hand in the morning or when my father would play with me. Love was sharing a bowl of Beef Stew with my grandfather just because it was my favorite while my grandmother listened to my day. I thought I knew what love was.

I thought I knew what love was when I was a teenager. Chasing boy after boy. I mean, love was the excitement and flutters your heart felt. The anticipation to see the boy again. The yearning to be loved in return.

I thought I knew what love was.... and then I met my husband and realized what I thought of love was really nowhere near the true extent of the emotion. Love wasn't just the flutters in your heart, love is the quiet sense of security in between those flutters.

With my husband, then I knew what love was... until I saw Vincent's little feet and felt overwhelmed and all encompassed by this fierce, intense love. A different love. Yet more powerful than anything I have ever felt. Love so strong I could cry tears of joy upon meeting my baby boy, even though he would never take a breath.

Then Lou came along. The love was as fierce as it was with Vincent, only this time I got to take Lou home with me. Everytime he flashes his killer smile at me - I melt. I am amazed at the way he is able to fill my heart with such joy, at times I feel I am about to burst.

Now at this stage in my life I can say I know what love is... love is dynamic. It changes all the time. There is no comparing love. No measure will justify a mothers love for her child vs her love for her husband. One thing I have noticed, since Vincent I feel I can love more fully. My parents, my brothers, my husband and my friends... and of course my little boy. I love more fully because I know it is all we have. At the end of the day we love and are loved. Even in shitty times, broke and fighting with the husband with the baby throwing up, I feel so overwhelmed with love.

So while my life may be far from perfect, I am blessed. One year ago, I was in my hospital room eating dinner with the hubby and watching my cheesy favorite movie - Fools Rush In. We were antsy for the safe arrival of our wonderful boy.

This year he was my Valentine - and I can definitely say I know what love is....

(me and my Valentine)

(he has another adorable first V-Day card from his grandparents - but we hung it up in his room and I am NOT going in there!!! He is sleeping!!!)

(mommy's special Valentine's Dinner for her boy-Broccoli Patty (pureed broccoli crowns, mixed with oatmeal to slightly thicken and rolled in panko bread crumbs - then toasted to perfection!) and a Healthy Parfait (yobaby Vanilla yogurt (ummm - this is the first time he has had this flavor - it tastes just like pudding!!! Very good for desserts) with sliced strawberries and blueberries).

(he LOVED it!!!!)

(thank you Mommy - all full now!)

(flowers from my boy ... according to his dad they were from the boy at least)

(awww - mommy :D )

(my new blanket to cuddle with the boy in (from the boy of course!) and his stuffed animals - Devil Teddy from Mommy and Daddy and Doggie from Nana and Grampy)

(I have been good and am patiently waiting to open this gift from the hubby - we never celebrate Valentine's Day - so I am eager to see what's inside!!!)

10 months!!!

Thank you, Lou! The past 10 months have been unbelievable. I can't believe how fast he is growing up.

I love my little man!!!

It's Cool

I allowed myself to wallow all weekend. I mean allll weekend. Well, I guess what was left of it considering I was on call Saturday and had to go in and the rest of the time I was on baby cloud nine. Anyway, I have picked myself up and am doing what needs to be done. I am not quite sure what exactly that even is..... but it will get done somehow.

Someone recently told me that I had too high expectations of the hubby. I reallllly don't think that is the problem, but the more I ponder it - the more I can see how just taking care of everything would actually make things easier on me. Anything else would be bonus. I am not really feeling like lowering my expectations though.

The boys Christmas

Wow were the holidays a whirlwind this year! This Christmas was special in that it was the first with Lou, and also somber in the fact that this was the second Christmas without Vincent. It was a happy time, but not everything it should have been. I am assuming this is how life will be from now on. A sense of something missing will be the norm.

On to Vincent's ornaments this year!

He received this lovely ornament from Holly's giveaway at her blog Momentum. It is beautiful and will be hanging from my bedroom window :)

This picture doesn't do the piece justice- it is so beautiful (plus she sent it in a wonderful little nag for safe keeping!).

I also participated in a gift exchange from Faces of Lost.

Vincent received this lovely ornament

and a framed copy of Tiny Footprints with his name and birthday on it - it is such an honor to think someone made something so special for Vincent!

Next Christmas I am going to buy Vincent a new urn. I hate the white angel one we received from the funeral home - it was the only baby urn and I didn't feel like struggling to find one I liked at that time when I was sure I would like nothing. Next year though - he will get a new urn.

For Lou's first Christmas he received a bunch of Baby's first Christmas ornaments:

and we know he definitely loves presents:

This is him opening up his Christmas presents on Christmas Eve - a Baby's 1st Christmas sleeper that was way too short for him at 9 months - one individual shirts & pants & onsies are fine in 9 months - but sleepers and one pieces need to be 12 months.

Christmas was videotaped until we gave up and started playing too much - however my video camera doesn't want to cooperate with the macbook so I need to harass the hubby for it.

All in all, it was a fantastic day. Exhausting. Mentally and physically. We slept for days after. I am on-call tonight and really hoping not to work .qw2

Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas.

Goals Revisited

In this post I wrote 9 days before Lou was born, I mentioned some goals that I really really really wanted to try my best at. I figured now is the time to own up to how I have been doing with them! Now, let's keep in mind, when I wrote these goals - it as pre-baby time. I naively imagined tons of free time and a life of sunshine and lollipops while skipping along cloud nine. Being a "take home" mom has been amazing - I have loved and treasured every second of it.... every exhausting, sore, can I just please have a few more hours of sleep minute :)

So I smile at the sunshine - and love the lollipops- but I am too tired for the skipping!

Here goes!

1) Cook a delicious dinner one night a week.

Alright this one has been a fail. I have made honest efforts here and there- but I haven't succeeded in the whole one night a week thing.

What I did do: perfected stuffed mushrooms. These will be a staple in the household for years to come. I had never made them before but after tweaking the recipe a few times - I have a hit!!! Serve with some spaghetti and salad and delish!

I also had a failed attempt at chicken curry (came out AWFUL), fine tuned my stuffed chicken and nailed a vegetarian black beans & rice dish. So this goal is still a work in progress. Christmas morning I am going to attempt a French Toast Casserole. An amazing girl I work with made one for our Christmas party and I will admit, I was horribly sceptical - but it was awesome! Perhaps it will become a Christmas tradition here??? Well see....

However, I did start making the baby's food myself - and now he is almost 9 months old and I am still straining all his peas and chopping his squash. His favorites are: bananas, squashy bananas, squapples (acorn squash baked with apples) and peas. His dislikes: CARROTS and grean beans.

Grade so far: C (but the baby food is bumping it up to an A-)

( I Love My Squash Mommy- I am a Big Boy and can do it all by myself... and if you try to help me I will scream bloody murder)

2) Read little boy classic books

Eh, another fail. Well, I did decide we would still read him classics, but when he is a bit older. Right now I Love You Stinkyface is his favorite - and I love reading it to him. Grade so far: Incomplete

3) Work on Grant's back.

This we have actually done well on! He still has most of the weight to lose - but he is so much more active and uses stairs instead of abusing his back. He is not getting any table food - except what Lou drops of course - and he is on par to have a healthy back. Grade so far: B

4) My health.

This has been a giant success!!! Woo hoo!!! I am off all blood pressure meds, do not have diabetes (that was one scary test to take), have amazing cholesterol. My weight loss goal of 75 pounds, how am I doing with that? I have lost 40 - 50 pounds :) I say 40, even though it has been 50 because the last 10 have not been lost in a healthy manner so I expect them to come raging back on. I have working a lot of on call shifts and honestly don't eat much some days. I would rather crawl in bed. I did promise my doctor I would make a point to eat more while on call and the days around it. If I want to lose the last 35 pounds, it needs to be in a healthy manner or else it will never work. Grade so far: A

Lastly,

The one goal that is the most important and will need to be worked on every day is finding a new balance in life as a family.

This has been the hardest. I am no where near having this balance down. I work too much and sometimes miss seeing Lou for 36 hours :( It doesn't happen often, but when it does it really hurts my feelings. On the other hand, we need to money desparately - so I guess I am prioritizig. When my baby isn't with me - he is with my mom or his dad. he knows love from many people :)

I am not even going to grade myself on this one - it will remain a work in progress - probably for the rest of my life!

(4 Generations!- Lou, Mommy Great Grampy and Nana)

Brother Bears

A picture worth 1000 words. Brothers. These ornaments hang side by side on the tree.

Vincent's ornament came from last years 25 Days of Giveaways - I won the giveaway hosted by Jessica, mom to Little One, Jonathan and Clover (aka Joshua!), at her blog What the Future Holds. There were so many beautiful ornaments, but the teddy bear was it for me as soon as I saw it! I didn't want an angel ornament, or a baby's 1st Christmas in Heaven or any other first christmas ornaments. Let's be honest, it was less about Vincent's first christmas as it was about our first Christmas without him. This teddy bear was perfect because I can look at it and smile.

We didn't have a tree last year. We didn't celebrate at all. I was 23 weeks pregnant and already on bedrest - Christmas was just a scary time last year. This year we went and picked out a tree on the one, yes ONLY one, day off both the hubby and I had together. The first ornament we hung was Vincent's. Later on that night I ordered one for Lou. Now we have the two teddy bears side by side for our two boys. I won another ornament this year from Holly in her giveaway at her blog Momentum. I haven't opened it yet - I am going to wait for Christmas Eve - but I am so excited.

I think Vincent is telling us he wants an ornament every year! Can you believe I have had some people say it is not fair to Lou to have Vincent's ornaments on the tree? It's like I am "idolizing" him. Seriously? Whatever. I just still love and miss him, that's all. Having Lou didn't erase Vincent's death.

They are by far the most treasured ornaments on my tree.